how should i approach this situation, and from which angle.?
been married for 20 years .I am 42 she is 46. I have had a struggle with the way my wife doesnt seem to care about simple but serious things that i believe in or feel uncomfortable about . If I say that she is dressing a little too provacative for family get together .She is always looking for attention especially from men she has always agobeen that way ,touching, hugging them. She recently join a site for class reunions a year ago and that is all she cares about. I looked at it and 9 out of 10 friends are men . She would freak if it was me . so I expressed my feelings about feeling uncomfortable that she has all these guys talking on this site to her . So what does she do , she changed it to her work computer. and does it more so recently she has been going out with these new friends coming home way late , and making plans to do other stuff with them even lying about what she is doing. lately it is all about her and this newness she found . going to the gym , her friends , her body , she has even this huge assortment of fancy g- strings . that she never used to wear ,not for me anyways .She wont even ask my oppinion on issues I should be included in like taxes ,retirement accts, going on a trip to her friends out of state just living single life **** like I am not even there. Now I posed as a guy and for a month she didnt know it was me on line and she was ready for this "wonderful friendship" as she says until I spilled it . now I am out of state working . she opens her own bank acct. wont explain anything going out ,rolling in at like 3:30 am .and says it is all because she doesnt like the way I talk to her.
I should add that for alot of our marriage there had been lying and substance abuse on my part. I have learned alot from all the mistakes I have made. But now could it be possible that even though I am not using and living a better lifestyle ,that I am being more direct with my desires, needs and behavior from my wife, and all the pain just wont let her give in ? For as long as I have been with my wife she has not been able to let go of things . She wont forgive any one that has crossed her , she just writes them off , abandones them and will not ever give them any respect. She says now that it is all because the way I talk to her and treat her. Look when I ask my wife if she could do something or hear me out on some issue , and all I get is her rolling her eyes and saying"here we go again , tell me what I am not doing right " but its not like that . The crazy thing I dont get is that she will do those things for others without hesitation and with enthusium.
What impact would her mothers behavior have on her reasons for the way she respects me .When I met my wife and we were just dating , her mom was separated from her dad . Apparently it was about what she wore as far as provacative clothing, getting this particular job , hanging out with this new crowd , going to seminars etc. Well she moved out was sleeping with all kinds of different men ,even taking a cruise with her daughter ( my future wife) and they both slept with someone different . Now after all that my nutso inlaws are living together again for the last 10 years. Do you think she is modeling after her mom. She has never disscussed it or talked about it at any marriage counseling we have ever been to. Even when the therapist asks if there was any rough roads in her past . Could she be in denial of that. I just want to give it the best damn effort we can, to be able to all the possitives in our Marriage. I was just 21 when we got married she 25. I dont think I was ready.