My wife says she wants to soul search and be happy in her life and that I am suffocating her , and she wont consider counseling because it just wont work , she said we tried it before and it didnt work .Honestly it would work if she would join in with me to implement the tools that the therapist recommends, I know this. She demands a 6 month separation ! No exceptions . What is hurting me more than anything is that she has completely erased me as her husband . Making plans , going out late with a new unfamiliar crowd that I dont know, that dont really have a marriage of their own .Opening new secret bank accts. Basically just acting like someone that has nobody to answer to but themselves . She is doing some things that are not acceptable as far as a mother and wife of 20 years would go , if I was acting like her she would be drilling me to no end . And she is doing it all, like every day in a revengeful fashion . Our kids dont even like her behavior they know its not right. I expressed my feelings on what shes doing , her response " this is why it wont work with us because she dosent want to be told what to do, what she can wear, who she can have friendships with on the internet ( alot of men) sorry It makes me a bit uncomfortable as it would her, what she can spend her money on etc... and said it wont work if it is at all based on what she dosent do for me she said ''. I feel that her self established 6 month separation will most definately drive us further apart not closer. She knows that I wish for the best counseling, and would be willing to give everything to salvage this relationship all the hard work required would be worth it to me . The 6 month deal she laid down is tearing me up inside and crushing my heart like I never thought possible. And every day still she is all of my thoughts and all of my Love.
2009-08-07T04:32:50Z
thanks for your responses they really are appreciated. May I please make a judgement of myself , then I will swallow everything a bit easier . I am a very considerate, compassionate, understanding and forgiving man , when I stated what some of my wifes reasons for unhappiness with me was because she would not be controlled in any way, does not concure that I did or wish to control her .( bonnieboo whoeverthank you) Actually I have been the controlled one , and have been aware of it from day 1 o.k. . You just assume all guys /men or situations are the same , well your wrong if you believe all that crap. Although I do agree with the notion that she has felt controlled and now has flown far and high, Answer this then if I approached you as my wife and expressed my thoughts on how important it is to record the date, the amount, the payable to even the check no. when paying bills ,in your register, am I controlling you or trying to communicate with you? Then you tell me do it yrself.
Shenanigans2009-08-07T02:54:22Z
Favorite Answer
That sucks. She isn't even trying to work on the relationship from you account.
Be open minded about what I am going to say please. I was with someone for years that I loved deeply. He and I would go to counseling but in the end he was still a very self centered person. I asked for a month break to get him used to being without me. In the end-he was just codependent. He refused to get counseling on his own.
It sounds like you want to try. Maybe she thinks it is just you and maybe it really is. If you think in anyway that that could be the case, tell her to come back and YOU alone will go to counseling.
EDIT: Bonnie pretty much hit the nail on the head. If you are telling your wife what she can do and can wear, you are very controlling and your wife wants to get away. She doesn't want to go to therapy with you because she feels you have already rationalized your controlling behavior enough to last her a life time. You are the one that needs help.
I've had a few male colleagues go through this. All were broken-hearted and tried to accommodate their wives and hold on, to no avail.
Here's my definition of a separation: "I'm going to do whatever I want and try to find someone else, and I want you there as backup in case it doesn't work out the way I'm hoping."
You cannot agree to a separation and also maintain your dignity. And remember, you are setting an example for your kids.
My advice is to file for divorce. You can't change her course of action, but you can take control of what you can control, and get it over with ASAP. I know someone who did that, and it was the healthiest thing he could have done. Of course, his wife tried to manipulate, as if he was the one who wanted the divorce. But he had been devastated, and it was such a relief to finally let the ax fall, pick up the pieces, and get on with his life. She just didn't like the fact that he took the control away from her.
The dread and feelings of being acted upon are much worse than taking the bull by the horns.
JOE, I READ YOUR ADDITIONAL DETAILS You are just the kind of guy women pull this crap with! You've been spineless and accommodating, and she knows she can walk all over you and you'll still be whimpering at her feet.
The 6 month deal is a sucker's deal. She wants to be able to play the field, and yet still have you to fall back on if her venture doesn't work out. You deserve better than sloppy seconds.
The words that she is using "want to find myself", "you are suffocating me", "i am not happy", etc are very common of women who are going through this type of crisis. Basically she is saying she wants to be with other guys. Author Michelle Langley details this clearly in her book titled Women's Infidelity (link below, with some intro chapters).
If you need support and moral fortitude during this time, you can try finding the Men Going Their Own Way from the second link.
If she was all of your heart and all of your love, you would have allowed her to be happy from the beginning. You would have never told her what to wear, where she could go or who she could have for friends.You have loved you for 20 years and now she is loving herself for the first time because you wouldn't. If you controlled that much of your wife's life, I can guarantee that you never even really knew who she was, much less "loved" her. I understand completely why she says it won't work just by reading what you wrote. Even now, you aren't concerned about her feelings. Her need for independence, her need for freedom, her need to control what happens to her and have thoughts of her own and live by them. You still are only concerned about your own feelings. Selfish, selfish man. I commend your wife because after 20 years it takes courage to do what she's doing and she's being honest with you and not just going behind your back and doing what she wants. You should count yourself lucky because if she was a less courageous woman, you might not know any of this until she actually met someone else she wants to be with. Make no mistake about this, You are the one who has been driving the wedge between you and your wife. If she feels like I did after 20 yrs of being treated that way, she's not even sure who she is and what she likes anymore. She's been living your way too long. If her learning to act like herself and have her own wants, likes, dislikes, style, etc. is tearing you up then congradulate yourself on making this necessary for her. If you are looking for someone to blame look in the mirror. You have been in love with the idea of her that you created. That's all. You can create another woman for yourself. There are many weak minded, insecure young women out there who are ripe for your rules, etc. Your wife has outgrown it. Good for her.
I think something might be wrong with her.... she's either having an affair...hints from all the men, and the 6 month separation, and wants to 'find herself/soul search', and opening different bank accounds... i think you should write her a letter, explaining all your feelings like you are to us..and let her read it..but make more than one copy just in case she either doesnt decide to read it or throws it out...and just be strong for your kids... i would hate to have a mom like that, sorry....dont meant to be rude.. i know you love her, but maybe she doesnt love you.. and as much as one person can love another...it doesnt make them love you back... im not saying she doesnt love you..because im not psycic...but always have a little hope and faith :) but make sure your there for you kids...cause in the end when she's not, you'll be there, and you'll be the hero, and you will find someone that will love you as much as you love them:)
or i was thinking..maybe she has a drug problem? some kind of weird addiction? Good Luck GUy!