Love Vs. Lust -- Marriage Vs. Divorce?

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Wow -- Okay this one took a step outside and a couple of cigarettes to figure out.

First of all I do not condemn nor do I condone extramarital affairs. I am not here to judge you on this issue.

People do have affairs for all sorts of reasons, and from what you're saying here is that you've met a man that you can open up to; he opens up to you; and unlike in your marriage you feel safe with him -- emotionally, physically and intimately as in sexually.

The fact that he has a great deal of concern about what's going on with the two of you, and his emotional dedication to you ending in tears tells me that his feelings are genuine, or at least as you describe them they are.

As far as what you're saying, you seem to see in him a great deal more than what you've been able to get out of your 6 year courtship with your husband and your eventual marriage to him.

It is possible to love many people in your life, and to be in love with many people at the same time, or to love different people for different reasons in equal measure.

I sense that you do love your husband and likewise, I think from what you said he loves you too. But I also sense that your decision to marry your husband was sort of like you "settled" for what you had not realizing that there was much more to a relationship than what you had.

The sex issue, or the lack of it in your marriage seems to be a real problem. No wedding, honeymoon or frequent sex at all is a sign that there's a complete breakdown of intimacy both emotionally and physically. If this means you're dissatisfied in your marriage and prior to it; then that might have been a sign to fix things up.

However, the real issues here are pretty deep.

You're discovering things about yourself that maybe, had you known them before, would have tilted towards breaking up with your husband rather than have married him.

I would have to say you and your husband are going to have to make that decision. Stay together and basically toast this other man, which will hurt him badly; or divorce your husband and then go through the long, tedious process of sticking with the other man till both of you are free.

The decision shouldn't be taken lightly. But I would suggest for your sake, your husband's sake, and the other man's sake and his wife's sake -- that all of you try and seek marriage counseling and individual counseling to sort these issues out.

Inasmuch as you want this other man, and it would seem you're saying you need him; its possible to fix your marriage and get it to the point where your husband can fill the role.

But I would also caution this much. If you truly are in love with this other man, then there is no point in dragging your marriage out and making your husband and you suffer for the sake of saving a bad marriage. Its best to part company with your husband as friends than to end up with bitter and hateful feelings.

No one here can say if its lust or love; or if its new relationship energy -- other than you and the other man. Love and sexual attraction if its truly real is enduring and does not fade.

So the separation of distance and time between you and seeing the other man may play a factor, but if the love is strong and doesn't diminish, nor the sex drive that you both share towards each other -- its possible its true love.

Obviously from what you've written the relationship is definitely an emotionally deep and endearing one. And frankly I would not tell you to discard the other man that easily, nor would I say hastily dump the husband.

A balanced decision, with the least amount of damage to everyone is the best course. Make it as painless as possible if you can.

I know it'll hurt. But how deeply makes a big difference....Show more

I will say that you should probably leave and get a divorce knowing what you know, unless you think that you could stay with your husband and have a loveless marriage. You are taking the chance of not finding another man to make you feel the way this other man does, if he doesn't leave his wife. It is a choice that you have to make, because no one should have to live and be unhappy. Since you have talked with your husband and the truth is told you may have a new respect for this man because he still wants to make you happy.

I just said this to someone the other day, that some people use a dating service and they meet and think that this is the one, but what if the really best person doesn't sign up for a month after you do and you never meet. Who is to say who is the best for someone except the person that is looking. Complicated, but then life can be. Could you live a great life with the first man, sure because you didn't know about the second one. I guess it comes down to making the best with a bad situation. I think a marriage counselor is the best bet, maybe not to save the marriage, but to help you both figure out a good solution for the both of you. I do think that you love your husband, but are as you say not in love with him, the way a man and woman should be....Show more

No, Arranged Marriages Are Common And If You Are Alright With Your Parents Choosing A Husband/Wife For You Them I Don't See Anything Wrong With It, But If You Want A Love Marriage Then Yes You Need To Find Your Own Husband/Wife, Someone You Know Well, It All Depends On What You Want...Show more

First of all, you have to understand that sometimes you have heat with someone and sometimes you don't. You don't need that heat to maintain a relationship, however. I understand your situation. You found a guy who loved you and you thought you loved, but you were missing the spark. You got dated a long while, got to know each other, and now you found a guy who gives you that sense of security AND spark. I'm sure you never anticipated finding it, but it found you. This is why affairs are so dangerous. Because they only result in confusion. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't be honored at having two men after you? And you might think that having not children makes things easier, but that's not necessarily the truth. (That's why when people claim that they stay together "for the kids", I don't really buy it--even when there are no kids involved we try to stick out our marriages.)

Anyhow, is it possible that your relationship with this other guy is really love? I have no clue. Because when you were in this phase with your current husband, you thought that it was love. Now that you're feeling this...who knows? There are no guarantees in life, ever. I'm sorry to say that! :-\ I wish I had a clear answer for you!!!

For now, you did make a commitment to your husband, so I think you should try to work things out with him as best you can. It will be difficult if you maintain this affair with this other dude. Since he's happily married, maybe you two can take a little bit of a break to see if you can appreciate those things that your spouses have to offer and then come to a decision after that. I would hate to see you miss out on a good thing with your current husband, only to find out that your lover won't leave his wife or that you discover his unbearable flaws....Show more

Love is an action verb.
It is what you do.
Love a friend, love a lover, love your children, love your spouse.

Attraction is normal. Crushes are normal.
What you are experiencing with "love at first sight" is a crush.
Crushes evolved to make us hook-up; they pre-stock the love bank to get the relationship started.
Many relationships start by mutual crush, but not all. Some build more gradual without the crush.

When you have a solid, loving, healthy relationship you still experience crushes but they do not /feel like/ "overwhelming love at first sight". Comparatively they feel like the passing attraction they really are.

Part of growing up and becoming a mature adult is mastery over your emotions.
Emotions quickly come and quickly go.
Emotions follow action not the other way around.

True love is when both partners are committed, devoted, and actively both love one another.
"In love" is how you feel when someone loves you - and you let yourself feel it.

In your case it sounds like there is a barrier between you and your husband.
Idolization is not healthy in a relationship - it is an /intensity/ response and the natural emotional reaction to the receiving end of intensity is "run" or a distance response.

Most ironically, your distancing led you to intensity with someone else.

You have destroyed your marriage for lust, get the divorce and end the relationship with the other man.
It won't last either....Show more