What to do about sister's wedding? (Long story!)?

Ok, My younger sister is getting married this August. I am the maitron of honor, my 3 year old daughter is the flower girl. our mom died in a car accident when she was 14, I was 20. She is now 22. Anyways, I am a mother of 2 children, a 3yr old, and a 6 month old. I also live about 2 hours from her, and 2 hours from where our dad and step-mom live. I am a stay-at-home mom.

She has big aspirations for her wedding! So far, I need to purchase my bridesmaid gown and shoes (140.00 for dress, and shopping clearance for shoes if possible), the flower girl dress and sash ($115.00- NOT the cheapest one by ANY means!) I have shoes she can wear. I am also trying the best I can to help with her shower- my stepmom is helping a lot too! But, I can't afford to make trips back and fourth, and she called me asking if i could come up to help her address invites! I'm not taking 2 small kids on a 2 hour trip to fill out invites for an afternoon! Well, she wasn't too happy i didn't help. Whatever. She has also asked for me to plan her bachelorette party, where she wants to "party"! I had a lot of ideas that would be at a good half-way town so everyone she wanted could attend, but she didn't like my ideas- i even suggested a cabin with mani-pedi's and such, a little pricier, but still affordable for college girls and such. (and me!) No, she want's to go bar hopping, or clubbing. (Which I don't do but whatever). Now she's suggesting we all take a weekend trip to CHICAGO! I told her she was nuts and no one could afford that! (me either!) but she said she's going to look into prices.. chicago is about 250 miles away. she won't listen to me! She wants what she wants, and it's not cheap! In fact, it's down right expensive! And she's a college girl, how can she expect all this? Also, she doesn't understand that I'm a mother first, and I want to support her and help her out any way that i can, but she's not being sensitive to what i can reasonably do and afford! I offered to buy the invites, but since she was impatient and i wasn't able to drop everything and come up to help (she asked me 3 days prior) she went ahead and bought them. (Fine I guess since i don't have hardly ANY extra $$).

I am getting so frustrated and irritated with her! She is DEFINATELY a bridezilla, but at the same time, i feel it is my duty to be there to help since mom isn't, but at the same time, my dad and step-mom are helping out a lot! Should I just plain say no, and let someone else plan and fund her bachelorette party, help minimally with the shower, show up to the wedding and be done? Or am I being selfish and using too many excuses to not help out? honestly, if her taste wasn't so expensive (in her eyes it isn't) I could handle it better, but between MY dress and acessories, my daughter's dress and accessories, gas for traveling, stamps, invites, bachelorette party, and misc. traveling expenses, all on top of raising 2 kids, paying the mortgage, utilities, doctor bills (my daughter had recent surgery, and i had wisdom teeth pulled) and other expenses... how much can one bride reasonably expect from her big sister/ maitron of honor?? I JUST HAD A BABY 6 MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arrg, ok, so this is a big long rant, but i really need some outside opinions and advice! Please help! Thank you so much!!!

2010-04-26T08:13:52Z

oh, and she told me the reason she picked me as her matron of honor was the fact that I was reliable- her friends aren't dependable to do things to help her out. So this kinds makes me feel bad...

2010-04-26T08:19:23Z

Katelyn, I totally get the compromising, I have honestly tried that! I bought my dress, (she INSISTED it had to be ordered by the end of march.. well I have it now) and I asked her to pick out a cheaper flower girl dress- she wouldn't. I offered 4-5 different ideas for bachelorette, from her town, to the town their moving to, a town near me, my dad's town.... a cabin south of where she will be moving to.... she's told me no to all the ideas!!! I wish she would compromise with ME a little! I really have tried!!!! I've even been so nice to her, and not gotten upset once!

2010-04-26T19:46:30Z

Dr. too F*n Cool: Good points, and yes I know Daddy can take the girls, but he has events he does on the weekends sometimes, and even though we have sitters possibly availiable, it was moreso the last minute thing that gets me. if things were planned a week or more ahead of time (like I'm off work next weekend, how about we get together and do wedding suff? instead of well, I got friday off, (calls on wednesday) can you meet me at dad's and we can fill out invites?

beetlemilk2010-04-26T09:13:46Z

Favorite Answer

Firstly I would have said, sure I'd be happy to help address the invites, but since I've got kids and you don't, you will have to come to me.

On the shower and bachelorette party, that is thrown by the bridal party, the bride is not to plan it! If she insists on Chicago- you can't make it, as you already told her. I'd give her a choice, look you want a bachelorette party, these are your options, otherwise you don't get one.

No you are not being selfish, you have a family and that takes priority. Maybe someday she will get it when she's totally self sufficient, but honestly it sounds like she is a bit selfish and immature.

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Anonymous2010-04-26T10:12:20Z

Ok, NOW u need to talk with her and tell her you're YAY close to dropping out. I had a similar situation, only it was my cousin's wedding. She's an only child and i'm her closest cousin, although were not close. i was her matron of honor, she chose me because i'm 11 years older than her and i've been in 8 weddings, she wanted my experience. She pulled a lot of this stuff with me too. I'm also a single/widowed mother. I live near her, but the wedding is 2 hours away. Theyr'e getting married 1/2 hour from her fiance's family, even though, they both live here. She never mentioned this when she invited me to be in her wedding. Next thing I knew, i was getting biiitched at constantly for not helping enough. When I helped, I was being biiitched at because she didn't agree with my suggestions, and thought i was shoving them down her throat, just for offerring info. So I stopped, then i wasn't doing enougha and showing enough interest. She didn't want a bridesmaid, she wanted a wedding planner, and I told her that. Wedding planners get paid, bridesmaids are spending THIER time and money to be a part of the wedding.

Your job as a bridesmaid, be supportive, purchase your dress adn get alterations done, help a bride choose her dress, plan a shower, plan a bachelorette party, attend the wedding and perform your duties there. Beyond that, anything you do is just a bonus. The invites are pretty standard, but with being 2 hours away makes it understandable that you cannot help with that. That being said...why would you have to take the kids? Is your baby's father not capable of caring for your kids for a day? Because frankly, using your kids as an excuse when you're not a single mom is kind of lame.

You need to talk to her. You need to tell her she expects too much and if she wants more, she needs to find somebody else. Its not YOUR fault she chose unreliable people to be a part of her wedding, you shouldn't have to shoulder their duties as well. Tell her to bite it.

20

Kaitlyn2010-04-25T20:15:42Z

As a bride to be myself maybe i can help. I understand totally where your coming from. I really do. I also understand you just had a baby. BUT in asking you to be her matron of honor comes a lot on your part. And in planning my own wedding the prices which you have listed are pretty average from what i've seen... I am lucky enough to have a fiance the just wants me to have what i want for the wedding, but i am no bridezilla. Is there enough time between now and the wedding to put a few bucks away each month to pay for the dresses and such? I will say that the trip to chicago is a bit out of the way... but maybe compromise with it? The fact that you live so far away does pose a little problem... maybe suggest she come stay with you a weekend or sometime in the up coming summer to address invitations and what not and maybe only have you come out for the essentials like the tasting and what not. Keep in mind it is her day and in being her sister i know you want her happy and whats best for her. Perhaps the timing is just not that great with your life and hers..... if your really that upset by it maybe suggest just being a bridesmaid and not the matron of honor? The best advice i can give you is just to compromise.

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fizzy stuff2010-04-26T00:36:03Z

I think its a little bit of both of you. She obviously has bigger dreams than her friends and family can afford, and furthermore she is being kind of rude about it. If someone offers to throw a party, you do not shoot down their idea, you graciously accept whatever they plan. She is definitely being selfish and unrealistic.

As for you, I think you could put in a little more with the invitations. As the older sister, maybe you need to take control of your destiny in this wedding and be clear with her. Tell her "I can do A, B and C but not able to do D, E and F for your wedding." A 140 bridesmaid dress is pretty typical, however 115 for a flower girl is ridiculous, especially considering all flowergirl dresses are the same! Honestly, I would tell her that is a bit steep and give her identical options in your price range. The invitations, 2 hours is not that far and I have friends with young kids who dont let that stop them from being adventurous. Surely you could drive over for the day. Tell her in advance, and that whatever she wants help with can be done on this day, you have set it aside for wedding stuff. I think you should co-host the shower with your stepmother, but refrain from the bachelorette party. No one is entitled to either, but it would be a lovely gesture if you would be involved with one of these parties, and the shower is probably more your thing.

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mommy to 3!2010-04-25T22:25:06Z

Wow, I don't expect that from my maid of honor! She is also my older sister, she is not a mother but if she was i would totally get the whole not spending 400 dollars on dresses and shoes for s simple day just to please me. I would much rather have her stand beside me even if it was in pants and a nice shirt, because she is more important then my wedding! Anyways I think you need to talk to her, be nice at first and if that doesn't work be firm! Tell her that as much as you Love her, you CAN NOT afford this, your trying your hardest and that's all you can do, ask her whats more important getting everything for her wedding from you, or her nieces/nephews ( not sure if they are girl boy or girl girl) having food and daily clothing. Tell her your not going to put Your children aside for her one day. But try to be nice as hard as it may be....awwww i hope everything works out!

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