Ask a wise one what lies behind the smiling round face of the sun Plato would explain how goodness is the reason for all the fun
Goodness made visible by light-- comes from knowledge learned in your youth gold sun and goodness illumines the intelligible with truth
Listen to young sun and you'll hear how low she sings, out into space cup your ear to her mantra chant a song pulsing in rhythmic bass
Pierce the darkness, break the silence Add her song to all your time sensed
~
2014-03-12T16:20:36Z
I am really enjoying your comments. I will leave this up for a little while longer, award a BA, and then go to work on a rewrite. Y'all are great editors!
neonman2014-03-12T14:55:17Z
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Might try "that" instead of "the" in L2S1 as you are using two in the same line.
S2L2 "your youth" doesn't roll off my tongue that well, but that's your choice. I might have opted for "one's youth" S2L4 "the intelligible" starts with two soft sounds. Perhaps consider: "intelligible with the truth"
I have listened to the sounds of the sultry sun and she does indeed have rhythm. She pulsates, low pitch, low sexy tones while high frequency white noise can also be heard in the background. Yes the sun sings and in case anyone doesn't believe you Andy, it can be googled and viewed.
I think you have written a fine poem here, and it is ok as it is. Would I have used the same language? Maybe not. If I had written a similar piece I may have chosen alternative vocabulary. For example I like the word rotund and I like the word sultry.
It sounds wondeful. A very soothing poem actually. I dont think it needs any editing but I cant seem to grasp the proper meaning of it. Do you mind explaining it to me? Otherwise, i think its great. :)