Why do people feel step parents shouldn't be parents?

I have gotten the same said to me. In my opinion, while in my house I have a right to be a "parent" to my stepkids. I cook for them, drive them places and am in a sense responsible for their well being while they are in my home. I believe that if a stepchild is disprespectful or disobedient, they need to be corrected right then and there, even if it is by the stepparent. I was raising my stepson for a few months and I still got told that he was none of my business. Well, as long as part of my paycheck goes for these kids, as long as they are in a home that I help pay for, and as long as I am cooking meals for them, they are my business.

By all means stepparents have a right to be involved in their kid's lives!!! I can, however, understand why some people think this is not so.

I had a friend when I was younger who's father died during her fifth grade year, and it was very tragic for the whole community. About 8 months later her mother was remarried, to a great person I'll call "Joe". In the beginning my friend was happy to call him Joe, but he forced her later on to call him "Dad", and he would not respond to any other name. Today my friend still has negative feelings toward Joe, which can't be fixed.

As long as you are not forcing yourself into your new children's lives, I would say that there is nothing wrong with being involved with them. Good Luck! You sound like a great mother.

This really has more to do with what the child is comfortable with.

It all depends on the situation, the age of the children, and their attitudes toward the stepparent. You certainly have a say in what goes on in your house, but you really should avoid taking on a disciplinary role if possible. No matter what happens, I guarantee that the situation is harder for the child than the stepparent, so don't put any unnecessary stress on the situation by adopting a role that the children are not comfortable with. If you have a concern that is not immediate, take it to one of the biological parents, and if something comes up that demands immediate attention, tread very carefully.

Hmm - as the mother of kids whose father remarried after our divorce, I know from experience that this situation is an absolute minefield. I, too, remarried and my new husband and I agreed from the start that any issues involving the children's behaviour or their relationship with their father would be my province and not his. We took this decision firstly to ensure that the kids would not resent the arrival of their 'stepdad' in their home, and secondly to continue the resolve I had formed when the first marriage ended - that is, not to ask the kids to divide their loyalties in any way. It wasn't easy, but now, 15 years later, I can say that it seems to have worked. Good luck to all those 'reconstituted' families out there!

Of course you should be involved in the child's life. The thing is, you, your husband, and the biological mother need to come together and sit down and discuss YOUR house rules and what you can do to make any situation better for everyone involved. How does your husband feel about it? If you weren't on one accord when you said I do, then you have a mess to clean up for certain now. What role does he expect you to play in his kids' lives? Their biological mother has no say so as to what goes on in your household as long as her kids aren't abused or neglected. She cannot tell you how to run your house, what rules the kids should have and what you should do. That's YOUR house, YOUR husband. Put your foot down and let them all know what's what.

Step parents are parents. Bottom line.

I am remarried and my family life has improved huge amounts with my new husband participating in my kids lives. (He did not participate so much in the beginning)

I do not always agree with how he reprimands/punishes my kids. But, I work to never let that show & I respect him as thier parent. We talk about it later & it always works out. Their biological father participates in their lives as well.

My kids call my husband "poppy" (spanish for daddy, my husband is Mexican so it works). I dont let the term "step" take hold in my house.

My mom had a freind who remarried & they had a blended famliy of 6 kids. From day one the mom/step mom put her foot down and said there will be no mention of 'step' in my home - we are a family. Period.

So, no I do not agree in any way that a step parent should not be involved.

I realize that it isnt my buissness but I think it is complete BS that your husband does not take up for you as a participating parent to your 'step' children.

It is sad that biological mothers feel that their children shouldnt be raised by step-mothers, i was raised by my step-mother, and i trully love and appreciate the fact that she did so many things for me to be able to live happily, if the biological mother doesnt want the child to be raised by the step-mother, then they should take full responsibility of their child, my mother gave me to my father for him to raise me, and my mother figure was my step mom, yet when it came to desicions about me, my mom wanted to come into the picture, and i think that is unfair since she gave me away. But when it comes down to it, you shouldnt worry, if the kids live under the same roof as you and your partner, then you also have a right when it comes to being involved in the kids lives. Good luck!!

i feel as you do and i'm the MOM, my husband is the STEPDAD. the people who answered you were probably the parents on the other end of the situation. as a single mom raising 3 kids where their dad is not in thre picture very much, i WELCOME the input from my husband. and he is allowed to discipline them as well. he does not "spank" the two older ones as one is too old for it (15 yr old boy) and the girl (8) well i just feel better if i am the one to do it IF and WHEN she needs it. but the little hardheaded one (3) gets his spankings from me AND his stepdad. and the weird part is that he responds better to him than to me. i think if that person is there to help raise, maintain, share in that child's life then BY ALL MEANS the step parent has the right to be included in decisions regarding that child. the EX's need to get over it and stop using it as an excuse to cover hard feelings and jealousy.

Step parents should be as involved as each child will let them, while giving them support and keeping their own space from the child. Some children like to pretend that their stepmom is their reall mom, others completely egnore stepparents or just act like their a parents friend. If the child wants you to be invloved, then do so. But if they won`t let you in, let them be.

You are right, all the adults need to be cooperating, but as the Step parent, you can't expect to have the same pull or level of input as the two bio parents, not unless the bio parents have proven to be unresousible and unreliable, but I didn't get that since from your question.

You should definately be involved in their lives. I have been blessed with an amazing step father as well as a step mother...I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for them being a huge part of my life. I know it wasn't easy for them but they were always there and I am glad they were.