how do i get my step daughter to stop being lazy?

Dr Phil

Positive reinforcement is so much more effective than Negative reinforcement in this case.

Since you have punished for stuff she DOES NOT do try rewarding her for things that she does because you ask her to. This is generally easier to say than do.

Before you begin the following sit her down (preferably when she's not in the middle of something...a car ride would be a good place to talk) and DO NOT YELL at her...you want her to be calm and to listen carefully.

Say that there are some things that will change around the house. She has the choice to make the following fun and easy or she can make them a thing that won't be pleasant for her. Put emphasis to tell her that she has the power to decide how she will be treated. Say that things will start fresh and new rules are being enforced. It's a weird thing how most kids will understand that everything can be a "do over"

Make a jar or a storage box where you will put in a penny or a tallying item for every good behavior or good action that occurs. For every 10 or however larger you decide the number of tallying items EARNED she will get a small reward. Make sure to make the rewards something that she will like. For example if she likes dessert make it a privilege NOT a right of hers. For instance for every 10 tallying items/marks earned she gets dessert. Be as strict but don't make it seem like you're a dictator...its probably a very fine line separating the two.

Hoped this helps

Good Luck!!!!

Well first I would let her know who is boss. Be firm with her. At age 8, kids want to push to see how far they can push. Being a step parent, she will constantly push you. Take things away. When my son was 8 he refused to do anything. So his dad and I cleaned out his entire room and left only his bed, dresser and cloths. TV was off limits, and so were video games and snacks. He ate his dinner and went right to his room and stayed there. After a week he came around and started acting better. He is now 15 and makes his bed everyday, cleans his room and even surprises me if I have a lot to do by cleaning the kitchen or living room for me. You have to be firm with them now or they will walk all over you. I have a future step daughter who is 7 and she trys to play me against her dad. It doesn't work because I will put her in time out and I do make her clean up after herself. If she does what I expect her to do, we have craft time together or I let her pick a movie to watch. If not, she doesn't get anything. Do not be afraid to punish her. It doesn't hurt them, it makes them repect you in the long run.

Use incentive rather then taking things away. Not only children, but people in general are more likely to do something if there is an incentive to it. But if you take something away there is a rebellious side that says "do what you want because I'm not going to change just because you take things away."

Remember she's 8, your not kissing her but, your teaching her that working hard has its rewards. It doesn't have to be money, it can anything from we'll get an ice cream when you finish that, to if you do your homework and after I check it out and see that it looks okay we can play a game or do something you want to.

It takes alot of effort and energy, children crave attention and right now she's getting it in negative ways. If you can turn it around into a positive thing, I think after she understands that your sincere and follow through with her incentive she'll be eagerly asking what she can do next to earn something.

Speak with her mother. You both need to sit down, with your step daughter, and figure out what rules need to be set. Consistancy. Everytime she does something the same punishment needs to be given. Is she listening to her mother and father (if he is in the picture) if so find out what they are doing that you aren't. Good luck!

Also, for the homework problem make sure that she does actually know what she is doing. For all you know she might actually honestly not know how to do her homework. If that is the case then sit down and help her. Don't do it for her, but guide her through it. I'm sure she is not 'dumb' but that doesn't mean she will automatically know what she is doing. She's a kid, kids can't always do things on their own.

Shut the bedroom door, stop punishing her, obviously it doesn't work. She is 8 years old, time to make her homework HER responsiblity. If she doesn't do it she doesn't get graded on it, she "pretends" to be done because you're lecturing her about doing her homework. You might want to try the behavior and reward system. Praise her when she does good. Don't react when she does something wrong. As far as schoolwork goes, stop looking at her grades as a reflection upon you as a parent.

what things do you do for her that are not necessary? Does she have a CD / MP3 player, radio or something like that? - that is a priveledge, NOT a right- take it away- you might feel bad and be very tempted to give it back but don't-if it comes down to it, give it away to someone who will appreciate the blessing. What about clothing, is there a certain brand or kind of clothing she "has to have"? take it away, give her only what she absolutely needs, take way desserts or extra treats she might be getting and taking for granted, what about a favorite toy, video game, etc. Put them in the attic or in a box and let her EARN them back. Do not allow her to go to friends homes or to birthday parties. When she wants to participate in something fun or an extra special activity, sad for you- by choosing inappropriate behavior oyu have chosen to lose privleges. Make a point ot show her where she has made a bad choice and where she has made a good choice and what comes of each- the responsibility ofr her actions has to lie with her- if she loses something because of her behavior, she needs to know you did not take it away- she chose to lose it by choosing to behave inappropriately. She feels she can act this way and it does not cost her anything- this may work now when she can manipulate her parents and wrap them around her little finger but it will do her no good once she is ready to enter the real world and it will only serve to lead her to destruction. She is only 8 now and it seems she has time but 16, 18, and 21 come a lot faster than we like to think or admit. This inappropriate behavior is going to have to cost her something- just make sure that when she is productive and does well, give her plenty of positive attention and encouragement.

I am completely understanding of your situation. My step-daughter is 10, and came to live with us a few months ago. My husband and I went back and forth with her on all the same topics. She still gives us grief now and then, but we used and reward and consequence system. I know it sounds "kiddie", but frankly we just stopped giving her things she enjoyed. TV, Nintendo ds, computer time, playing with friends, until she started taking care of her responsibilities. We also set up allowance for her, the things she does do, and well, she gets money for.

The hard part is sticking to what you decide to do. It will be a horrid fight at first. But if you and your wife want to help her, and make her cooperate, you'll have to show her you guys mean business.

I hope I have helped....

Stop trying to be her dad, i dont know the extent of your relationship but when you say frustrated step dad i sense some opposite attraction between you two. I say you try to be more of a friend and reward her rather than punish. Money for good grades is always a good one. Just a suggestion and like i said i dont know the extent of your relationship.

Start taking away her priveleges and say she cannot have it back without obeying your rules. I bet since she's lazy she might sit and watch tv all day. Well it's time for you to tell her no more tv watching.

One reason she might not obey is because she feels that she doesn't need to listen to her step father. Many children do that. But that's where you step in as a father and tell her how you feel and show her the consequences. If not she's going to be one spoiled rotten brat. GOOD LUCK! MY DEAR!

Try positive reinforcement- reward her for the things she does RIGHT. Obviously punishment isn't working. Pretends to be dumb? Maybe she has a learning disability. Get a tutor for her. Just have patience. I know it's hard...