hypothetical....?

If I had been placed with people who were more like my biological family. My entire adoptive family is the complete opposite of my biological family.

My adoptive parents did not value my talents and constantly pushed me to be more like them. It was like trying to jam a round peg into a square hole.

Many things I wanted to try as a kid I was told I couldn't do because my adoptive parents deemed it "too hard" (for them).

It turns out the very things my adoptive parents pushed me away from are the things my biological parents do best.

It was just frustrating as a kid to be told no, no, no about something for which you feel a passion.

Fortunately, I was able to follow those avenues as an adult but really, some talents need to be developed in childhood. There are things I am good at that I could have been great at if my adoptive parents hadn't tried so hard to discourage them.

It was kind of like living with the Dursleys at times if you know what I mean.

That is the one thing I would change.

I know that you are not looking for this answer, but I have to share what is on my heart and from my own personal experience- I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I can tell you that nothing would have made my experience better. My adoptive parents were very supportive of me, and that I am grateful for. I know many biological families that need more help than adopted ones- my husbands for one, and he would agree- just because we are adopted does not mean we need to have had a better life, anymore than being in your biological family makes you well adjusted. PLEASE, do not think I am negating the adoptees that did not have as a great experience as I had, I am not.

More communication would have been nice. Adoption was only spoken about if I brought it up. I was reluctant to ask questions because I wasn't sure my parents were comfortable talking about it. Although they did seem receptive to questions, most of their answers were: I don't know. So why ask? I eventually did find my own answers, figured out how I felt about things, realized what issues mattered to me, etc. But I think it would have been easier if there had been some discussion.

Because I was adopted, I never had to live up to or live down anyone else's expectations for how I would turn out. So, I was allowed to experiment with many different hobbies, talents, interests, etc. Without any sense of direction...it was hard to know which direction to go sometimes. I had too many choices...if that can be possible. Sort of like standing in the paint store looking at the 100,000 custom color chart...and knowing only that you want green.

Since there were no pregnancy and/or birth stories in my family, I found myself feeling uninformed and unprepared for my own pregnancies and deliveries. I wish I had realized this beforehand and sought out more personal information and support.

Being taller would have come in handy.

I would have liked to have had more discussion about adoption. Indeed, I would have liked more discussion about emotion in general.

That, in some sense, is one of the ways that I don't "fit" in my adoptive family. There is love and camaraderie, but there is not the emotional discussion that drives so much of my life. (I have, since college, long surrounded myself with friends who I could be more "myself" with.) I have with my adoptive mother to some extent. But my adoptive father and siblings are cut off from their emotions, and they don't always know how to deal with mine. So I learned to keep it to myself.

It's not that I needed more support, exactly. Rather, I just needed a safe place (and people) to express emotions to and with.

Other than that, I don't know what I think would would make my adoption experience any better.

(And, I recognize, not everyone is "wired" to have those sorts of emotional discussions. So obviously not every adoptee is going to want what I did because not every person is going to want it.)

Like I've said before, I've had lots of good opportunities and experiences, plus I have a good life today. As a child, I would have liked if my adoptive father had treated my adoptive mother, brother and me much better. I, and everyone else in the family (extended family as well) had a problem with the way he treated people in general, including his family.

This certainly doesn't mean it was all bad, and it doesn't discount the good. I don't think in black and white terms of "all good" or "all bad." But, I don't think anyone would dispute that it's certainly not a healthy or positive way for anyone to live, adopted or not. However, this was my experience in my life and I happen to have been adopted.

NO LIE'S. Everyone tells the truth to the child. The good ,bad and sometime ugly.

Keep records of the child natural parents info so when the child comes looking it's not all this mess.

And by what i have read Never let this child feel second best to anyone for who ever adopts this baby needs to understand this child is a gift from God and is not meant to be mistreated

I would have to say it's the idenity thing. I never quite "knew" who I was. I tried to fit it and be who I thought my aparents wanted me to be, they didn't ask me to, I just wanted to please them. I often thing about who was before me and after me on the "list". Who would I have been if I had been adopted by another family, what would my name have been, where would I have lived?

I think that if my parents had been prepared for adoption issues, and not just told to treat me as if I was their own. That is great in theory but it doesn't work. They encouraged me to do things that I wanted to do, dance, singing lessons etc. I just never felt completely comfortable doing things that they weren't "in" to.

Maybe if I had received counselling early on about develping my own idenity and feeling comfortable doing so I wouldn't have felt so detached all of the time. I am 34 years old and I am still figuring out who I am.

Not pretending that there was "no difference." It is different not being biologically related to your family. My parents wanted to believe that it was all about how you were raised, and genetics had little to do with how you turned out. As an adoptee you can feel that this is not true.

Open records.

I don't feel that "sealed identity" can be "removed" from a discussion of adoption.

Seriously, nothing.

There should be psychological testing to weed out at least some of the PAPs.

My aparents would not have made good parents for anyone.