what have you learned from y!a adoption?

There are times I really wish I hadn't have wandered into this site. I answered a general question on adoption and was beamed into this horrifying little word. It was shocking to me but even though I wanted to "blow it off" I kept coming back and now I can't seem to leave!

Even though I don't agree with all the views here I have learned to respect those who are passionate about reform.

I have learned about some of the corruption in the system and have been horrified by some of the attitudes of entitlement constantly reflected on this site and the trolling for babies.

I have learned that though you give a baby away you are always a mother.

I have learned that every adoption involves loss and as adoptees we all respond to that in dramatically different ways.

I have learned that we all have stories to tell and our beliefs are born from those stories. They are not wrong or right, they are just our own personal truths.

This site makes me want to scream at times, it makes me roll me eyes, and I have had some pretty good laughs too. I found it after injurying my back and it began as a way to kill time while I was bedridden. But has turned into something much more and I don't think I will ever think of adoption in quite the same way ever again.

I've learned that there are still first parents who feel pushed into relinquishment. There are some first parents here who are recent examples of such. Not all, but some. No one should be pushed in any direction when it comes to these sorts of decisions, however. I was under the impression that this was a thing of the past.

I have learned that the laws and history surrounding sealed records are mostly unknown by people, even people involved in adoption. That is why I so frequently reference the laws in my posts.

I have also noticed that there is a misunderstanding by a small percentage of people that advocating for change in adoption means a person is anti-adoption. A few, like Evan H., even feel that wanting changes in the laws makes a person a whiner, whose posts are to be taken with a grain of salt. I honestly had no idea that adoptees working to improve adoption would be viewed in such a way by a few people.

I have actually learned that more people than I realized didn't grow up with great adoptive parents. I thought this would be less prevalent than it appears to be according to both statistical and anecdotal evidence. A good number of the people here did grow up with good adoptive families, especially the ones advocating for change, but there are those who didn't. I think that the support of good adoptive parents is one of the factors that gives many advocates for change the strength and ability to tackle these issues.

I have learned that although I am infertile and wanted children very much, there are other infertile people who feel much more desperate than I ever did and experience an extremely deep sorrow.

I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out. I have learned things both positive and negative. But, the only way to move forward with any institution (such as adoption) is to be aware, and accepting, of both the positive and negative aspects of it.

I think the most important thing I've learned is about the adoptee rights movement. I had no idea. None. I didn't know they couldn't get their own birth certificates (although I have learned that I can get that before the adoption is final, and that my state is 100% open records, so my kids will be able to get their own info any time, thank goodness). I've learned where I can go and what I can do to support my kids' rights. I've learned a LOT more about what it feels like to be an adoptee - and I feel like I can honestly stand beside my kids and support them because of what I've learned here. I feel a lot more secure in my decisions, and I feel a lot more strong in my opinions, knowing that I was right about a lot of things before I came here. I've learned that I've got a LOUD voice in regards to adoptee rights, and I'm willing to use it - which will be especially helpful when my kids are little, and as they grow up. And I've learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is what I'm meant to be doing.

I have learned that I am not alone. That other adoptees feel the way I do, that other natural parents have been through the same things, that there are other people out there who deal with two sides of adoption. For a long time I really thought I was the only one stupid enough to be both an adoptee and a first mom, damn that bad blood.

My learning started in the Yahoo! adoption chat rooms and has extended here. I have been blessed with many good friends. I have also been exposed to a side of adoption I wasn't aware of. I thought I was "crazy" to have issues when I was suppose to feel grateful. I thought I was a bad parent for reaching out for help and having my child taken instead. I thought I was worthless and ruined, beyond help, selfish and generally just a waste of human flesh. That it was ME who was messed up.

Now I get it. Adoption is screwed, not me. My feelings are valid and shared by others. Without having Yahoo! in my life for the last 8 years I wonder where I would be. I can't even begin to think about where my head would be at as far as adoption goes.

I have learned a few things... Just a few because I've only been on for "just a few" weeks...

I still have alot of hurt from my adoption. It'll probably always be there, but talking about it seems to help in a way.

I also got pointed towards another site that's been awesome from other members here.

Even though I've been reunited for awhile, there were still some behaviours that I could never understand why... and now I'm starting to.

More importantly I'm realizing I'm not alone.

Seriously, (and I know that this doesn't apply to everyone) I've learned that there are some very bitter adoptees out there that have unfortunately had some bad experiences. I also find it interesting the things that people come up with as far as adoption agency opinions. It's been an interesting read, and some things have been a good eye opener, but mostly I just pass a lot of the negativity off as people's personal issues. I know that there are people from many different generations on here, and that adoption has changed dramatically over the last few decades, so I'm keeping my chin up and plugging onwards. As a PAP (bring on the thumbs down now that I've said that!) I'm still keeping hope for our family to grow but it's interesting to note some of the things that our next child might feel or go through by reading some of the issues that face adoptees. If I was strong about open adoptions before, I'm even stronger for them now.

Most importantly, I've a learned a lot that I hope will help me to be a more understanding mom to my son when he starts having questions that I can't answer.

I've also learned that not all people view adoption as a positive experience, even though our family does.

But I think the one thing that sticks out in my mind the most when I think of Y!A Adoption, sadly enough, is that when some people are extremely passionate about their way of thinking, they can be downright nasty even to people they don't know.

That there are many view on adoption, positive, negative, andn on-committal, that everybody has a story and that everybody is entitiled to their opinion.

I am amazed at how big an issue this is! I have also been surprised to learn that my adoption experience is quite exceptional.

In my ignorance, I never realized that people actually TROLLED for babies or that adoption was a money making "industry."

i must admit that even though i have been online for only a few weeks that it is good to know that there are a lot of people who you can talk to about things that you wouldn't normally know how to say to even someone in your own family and that it is insightful to read what other people have to say which makes me realise things that,up until now,i haven't even thought about it does make me feel a lot better