how would i handle these specific things ?

Hi.

First of all, I agree with Honey: "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides" in other words, just because they "look" happy on the outside doesn't mean they're happy on the inside. And it also doesn't mean that they have it together, either. I made this same mistake most of my life, and I'm finally realizing that it's true.

Secondly, I read the poem you posted, "Voice Of The Raven", I like it. The poem I could always relate to was called,

"Alone"

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

I know where you're coming from, I have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder also. I suffered from a lot of neglect and abuse growing up, and then it only seemed to continue as I got older. I'm not going to go into all the details here. I went through 12 years of school without a single friend. I met a guy (outside of my school) when I was 16 that I eventually married, in fact, I'm still married to him, but he has never understood me or my problems. I think I stayed with him because of our two children. I finally found my first "true friend" at an ACA (Adult Children of Alchoholics) meeting when I was about 30. He's had the same kind of life I have, and we've been fast friends since we met. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't like it that I have him as a friend, so its hard.

I've always felt "jealous" of other people, my whole life I have, I still do. I actually get jealous watching young children open their presents. I get jealous of my own children. I hate that about myself, but I think it's because I missed out on so much for so long.

I've had problems getting jobs all my life. And I'm just now starting to realize that part of the reason is that I've been dealing with learning disabilities that I didn't realize I had until lately. I think a lot of them came from the abuse and neglect I suffered when I was younger. At any rate, like I said, I can relate to you.

But you know what, when I hit my forties I finally started feeling a little better about myself (read some of my other posts.)

My husband's alarm just went off, so I'm going to have to end this here. I just want you to know that you still have time to find happiness. Don't give up.

If you want, email me at:

gonetoday@sbcglobal.net

I'd be happy to hear from you.

Additional...

When I went to answer this, it only showed me part of your post, and I didn't remember there was so much more that you had written until after I came back and re-read what you posted. I had to come back and tell you to start trying to "trust". It's going to be hard because you have never had the chance to learn what "trust" is, but THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT YOU CAN TRUST, and YOU CAN LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE too. You just gotta believe that. I fought (like you) for so many years - it was so freakin' hard for so many years - I use to say that nothing ever did or ever will go right for me - I wanted to give up but I didn't want to give up, because if I gave up, then what's the use of anything? And I couldn't believe we were put here for no reason. When I was a little girl, I seen the light coming through the leaves on a tree and I thought it was so beautiful (even though the rest of my life around me was so horrid) and I knew, I knew there had to be a reason for everything, and that things would eventually come together for me. Maybe not perfectly, but at least enough to where I could find some happiness in my life. And I did. And I think a lot of people would NOT agree with what I call happiness, and what makes me content, (it's not about money or things or popularity or power) but I am happy now - I am content. And all that work and waiting paid off for me - I'm so glad I didn't give up. Take a chance and "trust", baron. It's not about who you are on the outside or what others did to you in the past (although you do need to get that out sometime), or what you've even done in the past. It's about what you've learned about yourself and life along the way and who you are inside, and who you want to be that matters most. Baby steps, baron, start with baby steps, and pray - pray to whoever or whatever you consider to be all powerful and GOOD. Let it be the sun coming through the leaves on a tree or something like that. Start learning to love and trust yourself first, and then life. I think you're starting to do that already, because you're posting here - you're reaching out. That's excellent. That's how I started - and I gotta tell ya - I was scared sh**less when I first started - but I kept trying and it paid off. Keep trying, baron. Good luck. Write me if you can.

First of all....not many people really have an easy trot, but they are better at faking being content and happy than you....on my space etc, of course they choose their cheeriest, most attractive photo...even if it was 15 years old before they starting aging etc....., so be sure to remember this when you start to feel jealous of them......they may not be as happy as they portray, and also, they are not the reason you are unhappy....and if you think that, then they will struglle to maintain a relationship with you on the internet, because they will sense your disdain.

Secondly, friendships on the net aren't really real anyway. It would do way more for your self-esteem to make real freidnships, by either joining an interest club (bowling, hobbies, etc) or as someone else suggested volunteering for an organisation that helps others...this would truly open your eyes to the fact that you are lucky you are in a position to help others less fortunate, and will bring joy to both you and your clients.

Thirdly, the past is in the past, and as much as it contributes to how you personality is shaped, and where you come from, you now get to choose how you let it affect you and move on. You need to take a deep breath, and CHOOSE to be happy, choose to do enjoyable things for yourself, choose to try to improve your outlook, choose to perhaps go and get a late education through an adult training organisation, etc....

Once you have a happier opinion of yourself...and love yourself, this will shine through when you relate to others, and your friendship will be more appealing because you will come across as less needy and bitter, and have more positive attributes to offer the other person, and be more fun.

It is never to late to reinvent yourself.....you just have to kiss your past goodbye, learn from it, and move on.

And I agree that exercise and couselling may help you get started in the right direction.

Chin up! and Good luck....

You explained that you have been cheated in life but is there anything that was good? Why were you cheated out of school?

You can make a difference. I would suggest finding a therapist that you like to work with. Each person relates to each therapist different. Then set a goal to do something that you want to do.. such as go to school and then work on it until you achieve it.

Do something nice for you everyday even if it is small such as read a book, sit back and watch the sunset, watch a movie, get a nice haircut. Whatever it is...even eating jello. Do something for you.

really the best thing is to do is go down and see mental health, i know i hate that word too. just start seeing somebody and maybe taking some pills sh*it will turn out.

if finding friends is hard at this point join sports teams for older people or volunteer. soon you'll have that nice smile:-)

stop feeling sorry for yourself

plenty of people go through alot worse than you & still manage a smile,find their way in life & portray human kindness towards others, holding it together.

dweling on your crap isnt going to help you ..move on .. for our sake if not for your own

so what if other people are happy dont get jelous only think about what you think and not other people

Move on... Live for now rather than dwelling on your past.

xxhugxx