Adoptive parents who work?

"Quick to judge"? She asked what people thought. Lordy.

I have a college degree, and worked nights & evenings at a big box retailer, while my husband works during the day. We live in a small house. Raising our own children is priority for us. We don't want our infants & children to be scheduled according to what's best for the daycare center. I don’t want them fed and held by underpaid employees. Dropped off at daycare before before 8 a.m., picked up after 6 p.m. It's against my (and my husband’s) beliefs.

I know some people HAVE to do it, but no where near the amount that do. Americans like STUFF. Many put their kids in daycare so they can have big screen TV, and go on big vacations. Some believe that is more important than nurturing their children, so be it.

Economically speaking, the US needs service people, sure. But we don’t just need people working only during the daytime. Our economy would not collapse if mothers (or fathers) decided to make staying at home with their children a priority. In fact, maybe if family WERE a priority to Americans, employers would create more flex time and job sharing.

In my opinion, a successful adoption is when the adoption is what is best for all. If the biological parents cannot care for a child for whatever reason they then choose a loving, stable home for the child. The child has parents who are ready, willing and able to care for the child. The adoptive parents give love to and receive love from the child.

I'm an adoptive mom who works - wish I didn't have to, but I do. We did work it out, though, so that our daughter was always with either mom or dad and not in daycare for the first 4 months she was with us. I think that was incredibly important, and we'll do that again for our second. Now she is in in-home day care for about 5 hours a day. I'm a teacher and get lots of holidays and I have summer's off, so I think we really do have a situation where I am the one who spends much more time with her than anyone else.

I believe at teh beginning someone should be home, for bonding. We are allowed 35 weeks of parental leave and my husband is primary caregiver. (to those who assuem primary caregiver is alwasy a woman, um nope)

I will continue working. We will decide after the 35 weeks if he is going back or not depending on

A) Children's needs

B) Finances

In reality finding daycare for three children (even afterschhol care) woudl equate hubby salary so he may stay home, but this is a choice every family must make and not be chastised for it, as long as the child's needs are taken into consideration.

I wanted to add a story, to show how not all situations are the same. When we fostered we put children in daycare. It was a condition of us fostering and they really wanted us and we at that time needed us both to work. WE put them in teh YWCA, a great daycare.

A two year old we had, did have attachment issues. She did not want to leave us at all. It was hard, and for a month she put quite a fit when we left. (as actually did some bio children at the daycare, some fits were ledgendary) After a month she got excited each day for daycare adn excited each day to come home to us, and then eventually excited for visits wiht parents when they got clean.

Daycare actually HELPED her attachment. By being able to show her we leave each day and come back, and that is in a safe, fun, lvong atmosphere, she was able to deal with some of her attachment issues. Now her leaving was the hardest of all the children in our care, but we saw her reunited with mom and dad and we transitioned her properly so at the end she got used to being there mre than here etc. Daycare helped her and her family.

Just thought I woudl share this story. Because we are adopting older children we actually feel more need to have one of us stay home if possible, because attachment will take that much longer.

All I can say is what works for us, and that's having my husband home with them. I can say that we both wish it were me, but I'm the one with the government job and great benefite. But we are working hard on our business so we can both be home with the babes.

Before we had kids, we assumed we would both work, 'cause thats what most people. My husband worked maybe 3 months out of the house in the past 3 years and it never worked out. Our son has had major medical problems and made it impossible to keep a job. PLUS the nany we had LEFT MY KIDS ALONE and went to get Chinese food. NOT COOL. Who can you trust? For me, not many.

That's just us. I won't judge what works for other people.

I think the daycare issue is orthogonal to the adoption issue. You can have an opinion about daycare, and you have have an opinion about adoption. But, I have never read or experienced anyone making the statement that only 'stay at home' parents should be allowed to adopt. And if there are, they clearly have an agenda and I think they are very wrong..

My feeling and experience is that daycare is generally better for kids. They get exposed to more poeple, experiences, and 'germs', making them better socially adjusted and have stronger immune systems. And frankly, I think it helps the psychological well being of the parents. I don't agree with the leaving kids in daycare for 10 or more hours, and I think that weekends and evenings should be filled with family activities, but daycare is not a bad thing on its own.

We placed our bio kids in daycare and now have our adopted kids in one. We are very choosy about daycares and have no concerns about their care or safetly. Our older adopted son had very poor social and communications skills due to the neglect and abuse he suffered, the daycare experience has brought him out of his shell and turned into a normal little boy.

My parents are both adoptive parents and they both work and the kids stay in day care. It is not bad to put your kids in daycare it is about choosing a good daycare and doing your research. My brothers both go to a before care and after care daycare run by their school and frankly they really like it there. They get extra time to play with their friends from school and meet kids from other classes. The younger one does quality activities that re-enforce the work they do in school, and the older one gets help with his homework and is allowed to have "recess" when he is done with it. He often gets mad if I pick him up too early before he has had a chance to play.

So again, it is about choosing a daycare that is a good match for your child and not just putting them in least expensive/most convenient one available.

I'm grateful for people in service professions. I'm in one myself.

HOWEVER, after we adopted my son, I stopped working, until after he was in school full time. Even now, I only work part time, and only hours when my son is in school, or my husband can be home with him.

We've made sacrifices so that I can stay home, and I catch a LOT of flack from my parents, and my husband's, about "not adding to the family income."

I have VERY little tolerance for people who pay other people to raise their children. Occasional daycare is one thing, preschool is another, but these parents who drop their children off at six am and don't pick them up until seven or eight at night make me crazy. (and don't tell me they don't exist. I used to WORK daycare, and had several families like this)

I do think that parents who are adopting a child younger than school age should only consider doing so if one parent can be a full time parent.

edited to add:

At the time that I was placed, the belief was that the child should not be allowed to bond with anyone until they were placed in their adoptive home. I went through three foster homes in three weeks, before being placed with my family.

For most of us who are parents (adoptive or bio), work is not a luxury, or even just an option....it is a necessity! I have three adopted children, and have always been a single parent. How am I supposed to put a roof over their heads and food on the table if I don't work? Believe me, I'm not doing it so my kids can have more clothes or video games, or even for my own personal satisfaction. I'm doing it to support my family!

Incidentally, my children's teachers have always told me that my kids are among the most happy, well-adjusted children they have ever taught. They go out to school in the morning in clean, ironed clothes, after a good breakfast, with lunch packed, homework done, papers signed, and smiles on their faces. We eat dinner together as a family every night. And yes, they were in daycare when they were younger.

There is absolutely no reason that working parents cannot raise happy, healthy children, adopted or otherwise.

There will always be another doctor, nurse, vet tech that is just as qualified to look after your "baby".

A child, adopted or not, needs to come first.

My doctor did take parental leave, and her husband took excellent care of me & my children in her absence.

I myself put my university education as a nurse on hold. The world will not collapse because I chose to raise my children rather than pay someone else off to do so.

"the years before 5 last the rest of their lives" ~Gov't of Canada