Mother in law has unreasonable expectations of what we should do for her - help!?

if your husband is bipolar it is possible your MIL has mental issues also.. perhaps you guys should get her to see a therapist about her issues of thinking ppl aren't there for her or dont love her and to help her teach herself to be more self reliant. if she went with your husband once, it might not be that hard to get her to go herself... tell her of how it will benefit her and maybe offer a bribe of doing a household chore while she is at therapists (that way you can help with no yelling)

then it sounds like you need to get your husband to do something, he needs to stand up to her and tell he to start taking care of herself, he isn't gonna do it anymore...

I think the best person to help him see what's really going on with his mother and help him learn how to set boundaries is the therapist. Unfortunately, it is a losing battle for you to say anything, because she will just think you are trying to take him away from her (which she probably already does to some degree) or he will feel like he is being pulled in 2 opposite directions--you and his mother. They probably have had an unnatural attachment for their entire lives together, since it was just the two of them for so long, and she grew to depend on him to meet her emotional and other needs. As she gets older and realizes more that she really is alone, and what life will be like once her mother is gone too, she is probably scared and is acting out in the only way she knows. Maybe you should talk to him about all of this and put down some concrete boundaries that you both agree on. Then when he says no to her about something, it will be because it's his decision, not because you won't "let" him. I don't envy you; it's a messy situation for sure. What if he told her he needed to use the time he is fixing stuff for her to find a new job? Then she wouldn't have anyone to blame at all.

This is quite a dilemma. I can understand where you're coming from--I was in a relationship who's mother was a complete control freak when it came to making her oldest boy run all these errands, and practically raise her kids because she didn't want to take the time to do it herself. Everytime this guy and I would have made plans, it was cancelled because he was doing something for his mom. This drove me nuts, and it really frustrated me because it put a strain on how much quality time we could spend together. So, I started to point the finger of blame to the mom, but also to the guy, because the guy was a momma's boy!

But since you're saying the MIL does so and so, puts on a guilt trip, and makes her only son feel bad, maybe the best thing to do is to stand up for your husband and express your feelings and tell this MIL in a nice way, that you two have your own lives and you can't always attend to her needs. However, she may have some emotional and/or mentality issues too, so maybe a therapist should talk to her as well.

Good luck!

Hour husband should tell her that he is doing the best he is albe and if the work he does is not to her standards, then she should hire someone who would be able to do it better. That way, she won't make your husband feel bad. Of course, don't say it with an attitude.

He could let her know that things aren't easy for you either without him working and although he loves her very much, he has his problems of his own to also deal with and for her to please be patient with him.

You could kindly tell her she has a choice to move to a less expensive, easier to care for residence. If she chooses not to, then she cannot complain about how much work and money it is to maintain the large house. She will have to deal with it.

It sounds like she may want you to pay for repairs and maint on the house for her, which may not be a bad investment if you two will be inheriting the house.

She could apply for a reverse mortgage to help with the expenses. The return on the home when she passes away will be reduced, but then your husband's health will benefit from it.

Some people, even those who are NOT bipolar (wether she is or not being irrelevant), thrive on conflict and on making their own lives miserable, just so they feel they can complain about it. We used to have a saying when I was in the school theater..."If we aren't complaining, then we aren't happy." Of course, when we said it, it was just a joke, but there is some truth to it. My grandparents weren't happy unless they were having a screaming argument.

Sounds like your MIL. Mine used to just whine about her health and give us every gory detail of her doctor's appointments.

Your husband is doing the right thing by going to counseling. You can't force her to go or to get anything out of it if she does, but you can try to convince her to. Offer her extra help in the house if she does, or maybe a maid.

She knows what is good for her, but she isn't doing it. She needs to downsize her home. It would be less stressful, and if she moved to a nice neighborhood where the schools weren't necessarily as good, she would be happier, and have less expense. (those taxes can be killer!) She knows she ought to find someone to distract her, but she would rather pull the guilt trip on your husband.

I know you don't really want to distance yourself from her, but keeping contact down a bit, might lessen the negativity in your lives. Try to keep her happy, but don't make yourselves miserable in the process. Maybe if you helped her to move to an assisted living or a senior citizen's community, she would just meet someone to help keep her company. There would be tons of people there her age, and after all, those online dating aren't the best way to meet people. You just never know who that other person is...all sorts of aliases.

good luck, keep your head up and smile.

Obviously the "work" to be done around the house is a catch to get her son to spend more time with her. It sounds like she has difficulty letting him go. Since she doesnt have a man of the house, she wants her son to be that for her, which is not fair to you and your husband. I don't think you should cut her off and not help, but there are boundaries, and it sounds like she does not see them. My fiance is an only child, too, and his mom is WAY too clingy to him - and she and her husband are still together, so it's a weird situation. But I don't know what step to tell you to take...i guess y'all could try to encourage her to move to a smaller area...why does she need to the in the best school district if she has no children???

I think the reason for this behavior is simply that she is lonely and by "creating work" she is essentially forcing him to come over and spend time with her. Moving to a smaller house (if she is willing to) might make her feel better since it will feel less like she is alone in a big empty house. Also, maybe you could try planning visits with her where projects aren't involved. Does she have any interest in joining some volunteer groups or activities to make friends? I think taking care of the lonliness will take care of the extra projects. Good luck!

It is not easy to raise a child by yourself. You MIL gave a lot to her son. It is pay back time. If you support the idea of honor and respect and encourage your husband to do the right thing, may be he does not have to see a therapist. It is also difficult for your husband. The best thing to do is all three of you sit together and find the best solution to handle the work load. But you must approach your MIL with love and respect. If you talk down to her she will not accept that. If you silent and prefer your husband to do the talking, it is not good either because it is no respect to her. Tell her you love her, but you NEED her to her you. This may work!

Obviously this is about control. You cannot change the way hubby or MIL deals with things but you can change how you deal with it. Tell them both ' I'm out. I'm not playing anymore'. I think you need to go to counceling with hubby so you can possibly get through to him how much this is affecting you and you can't watch what is happening to him anymore.

She is a bully. She needs to move into a condo. Really though, all of that is up to her. MIL is a toxic relationship so you need to opt out now.

She feels she still needs to show her authority as she has all the time she was raising her son, just tell her in a nice way that you now come first as you are his wife, and his mother should now take a backward step and get on with her own life and let you and your husband get on with yours, and it will be her loss if she objects to this. so be strong about it, and good luck.