Why did my wife call me manipulative?

Jack, your wife is a selfish pig. She's probably been reading some feminist trash online. You should forbid her to use the internet until you can set parental controls, some women need a slightly stronger hand than others.

I know, my good man, that you are up to the task...

Manipulative might be the wrong word. "Self-Centered" would be. Your entire speech here is all based upon the presumption that you are completely in the right, and she is the one who is solely responsible for what has happened, and it is entirely her responsibility to make the situation change. I'm sorry buddy, but relationships are a two-way street, and almost anything that happens is going to be partially your fault. If you're feeling neglected - and your flowing prose does nothing to disguise the fact that you're pissed about having blue balls - you should first try showing some attention to her that isn't sexually motivated. There is an unfortunate paradox in the sexes when it comes to the physical - generally, women need to feel loved to have sex, whereas men need sex to feel loved. It sounds like you're both neglecting each other's needs. She needs some emotional connection, you need some physical. You give her one, and it's more likely that she'll give you the other. I'm sorry if you want her to do the work - but, the longer you two play emotional chicken with each other, the harder it's going to be to bridge the gap. Be the man, take one for the team, and get her some flowers. Don't expect anything out of her for a bit, let her "no's" or "I'm busy's" stand without protest. Keep asking - never stop asking - but don't complain when you don't get what you want. Because that's what makes her call you manipulative.

Being inarticulate, I am afraid, is the least of your problems. Why do you ask rhetorical questions that you already know the answer to? You made a comment that you wish your wife to be "the best person she can be." I have found that if I am not being the best person I can be, the people around me are unable to attain that goal as well. As far as I can tell, you get a kick out of using this situation as a channel to hear other's negative perceptions not of your wife, but of yourself. You want people to beat you up. This is called a masochistic complex, and there is help for people like you, but as far as your wife is concerned, she cannot change until you stop using her as an excuse to aggrandize your own faults. But you know this already, and all it is unfortunately a case of a distorted ego (an ego-centric world view rather than a society-centric view.) Until you come to terms with that, it is impossible to influence your wife (if you even have a wife, and if she says you are manipulative, I don't know that that is truly the case.)

Well how about because instead of being there for her and helping her with her stresses you instead put even more stress on her and tell her that if she doesn't change and become the 'do it all' woman that you once knew and loved then not only will she destroy her family and home life but her family and friends will see her differently. Thats horse s***, if you ask me. You speak so eloquently and seem to have a beautiful mind but what does any of that matter if it hurts your wife? I can see that you have put a great amount of thought into this and your talk with your wife but from HER point of view it's like you are coming at her with all the things she is doing wrong and how she is destroying 'everything'... instead of being strong for her and there for her. Next time let her know that you appreciate how hard she works and you understand that she is stressed or having a hard time but the BOTH of you still need to give 50-50 in order to make the marriage work, let her know that YOU can take some of the work load so SHE can have more time to give you the attention you say you are lacking.And don't threaten her with 'if you don't change no one will see you the same' If my husband ever said that to me (despite how well worded) I would tell him he's a manipulative butt too!

P.S. I give you credit. My husband can barely talk to me let alone let me know what he thinks or feels especially in the way that you did so I at least give you an A++++ on communication... just try to be more tactful and less finger pointing next time.

Well I gotta be honest, u seem to be pointing the finger a lot and stating that you can forgive her for neglecting you, when you do know she is trying to run a home, a career,her children and I am almost sure trying to find herself again in the whole situation. One thing I have learned is that every reaction one recieves is determined by the approach the give the other person. Also you may want to take the focus off her and think about what actions you may have done to get the reaction that you are getting. I once read something that stated in most cases it is easeir for us to play a victim and point fingers when we feel uncomfortable than think about our own flaws and why we truly feel the way we do at that moment. I went through a lot of things to very similar to that so I did a lot of research on how to save a marriage and one thing I found very useful was finding out how I unconciously sabbotage my relationship askdandjennifer.com was very very very helpful for me to open up my eyes and begin to lead by example. You have to realize that you can never force feed someone to believe your beliefs, and that may be part of the problem. Also as a woman I will tell you that sometimes she may feel that you are not contributing to the house the way she may want you to but hasn't said anything cause she fears you might play the blame game again. If you want to fix your relationship then you might have to help around the house too a little bit more. I would do some things without even asking her if she needs you to do something, mabey something she never would think you would do in a million years could be a pleasant surprise for her. I know I can be a bit harsh too at times with my husban but its usually because I feel the whole world on my shoulders like im expected to be superwoman and mom and lover and everything else to him while he does nothing. Hope everything works out

You, sir, are a man among men. Your wife seems to have been extremely disrespectful toward you, yet you kindly and gently try to help her along. You don't just discipline her with the back of your hand. You sound like you're doing everything right. I think that maybe your wife got some bad advice from some uppity broad. With your guidance, she'll come around. Do you have a newsletter or anything? Sounds to me like you could do a great service to man...and woman...kind.

I would have cried too. You were harsh. If you need more attention you sure got it, but i think you want the positive attention. Telling her she's a bad mom bc she's a bad wife is emotionally hurtful. If you want to break up you are on the right track. I don't believe that's what you want though. You need to apologize to her .Take her out privately and make her feel like a woman. If you help your wife to feel like a woman she'll be more receptive to being there for you, her husband.

There's an old Latin saying, "to be loved you must be loveable"....

Come at her with love and attention and I'm sure you'll get some back.

If the problem doesn't resolve try a marriage consouler. They can help things to run smoothly in your marrige. It sounds like you just hit a bump in the road. Don't give up.

Trying to figure you out...you seem very sure of how things need to run in your family and you have the right to have an opinion...But, do you ask her how you can help out around the house? With the kids? Do you go out of your way to actually demonstrate affection to her? Your articulation while it is very precise, also demonstrates a subtle leaning towards some behavioral issues within yourself. Is it possible for you to take a deep look within yourself, instead of just looking outside of you at who to blame where your own faults lie. And believe me, sir, you do have faults, more visible than what you seem to care to see. Try communicating WITH your wife, rather than AT her. She has an opinion to you know, listen to her, you may learn a great deal from her. I wish you the best. Take care.

You say she's been busy with work, house duties and your FOUR children and you wonder why she isn't giving you as much attention? Yet you seem to have a lot of time on here...

You sould like an over excitable puppy that is waiting for her at the door even though she's had a stressful day and demanding for it's tummy to be rubbed.

I can easily see why she would call you manipulative, im certain it was out of hurt and disgust, women are sensitive, more so than you may realize. telling your wife she is a failure as mother and a wife because she hasn't given you enough attention makes me laugh out loud at your ignorance and egotism. you sound as though you have a bit of a superiority complex, are you a person of no flaws? absolutly not. there is no one who should have to pay homage to thier mate, thats disrespectful and demeaning whether or not you chose to accept that is another story all together.

being a person of intelligence means nothing, its like being proud of how tall you are, it's no accomplishment, it's genetic, you had no say in it. i think maybe if you love her as much as you claim, listen to her, actually listen to her, without passing judgement, show her your gracious respect, and that could make her feel more of more value to you, and if she really does worship you in the way you've become accustomed, it will be geniune instead of happening just because you will it so.

"Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself"

- Confucious

please try not to mind any of my mispellings

and i wish you good luck in marriage, and in resolving your quandary.

Who R U kidding? You are manipulative. Im not trying to be rude to you as you are obviously an intelligent man, however in response to reading you question I have to say that you blame her alot and seem to be so worried about what others "think" of her. It is not your responsibility to concern yourself with how your friends feel about your wife unless you care what they think. In my opinion you used alot of words to say "she doesnt pay enough attention to me" I feel manipulated reading this. As though you are trying to make yourself seem as though you are the innocent and concerned husband when that may be the problem. You spend too much time worrying about perfection. You said in the first paragraph that she said she treasured the moments she has with you why cant you accept that and move on. She loves yoy. I have 4 kids and I probably dont give my husband the attention he "NEEDS" but I give what I can. Are you trying to make life harder for her? Give the woman a break let her give what she can and allow her to feel good about that.Isnt that the point of loving someone more than you love yourself?sacrifice.