cant get over his past?

Just because she seemed sweet and wonderful when you met her doesn't mean she didn't cheat on him. There are plenty of people out there that are sweet on the outside and rotten on the inside.

As far as his cheating, you don't know what the relationship was like in his previous relationship. People change, and chances are, he's changed now that he's out of that bad relationship and in a good. You can't base his previous marriage on yours. It's easy for us to judge when we're not in someone else's shoes.

You have every right to put things on hold if you are unsure. After all remember that this is about life time partnership and you want to be sure about who you spend your life with. If he truly loves you, he'll understand that you need some time to just get your head around things, especially from such a fragile experience of your first marriage, its understandable that you want this one to work and that its honest because getting your heart broken is bad, but having it broken twice is absolutely devastating.

In my experience, if you aren't ready to move things at a slow and steady pace, then you aren't ready for a relationship at all because the keepers are ones that take time. You never find a good partner in a few weeks, getting to really knowing each other (which does include knowing each others pasts) always takes a lot of time and patience.

Again you have a right to be concerned about his commitment because he doesn't have a good track record. I'm not saying hold it against him, if you have good evidence that says that he's really changed then by all means let the past be the past. To me, just because the ex-wife may have been going out a lot and that he may have only suspected but not ever really know she was cheating, is not ever a good reason to 'cheat back' or have an affair. There are still a lot of things you need to know. If he was calling her his soul mate too and then had an affair as soon as it got hard, doesn't sound like a stable guy. Of course I don't know that for sure, this is just a general example from speculation.

It depends on how he told this information about his past to you. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like he owned up to anything at all and he's just trying to put all the blame on the ex-wife. She very well may have been going out all the time, but lets remember that nobody MAKES you cheat, he actively chose that decision. I'm sure they both did things wrong in that marriage, has he owned up to those things or is he just trying to push all blame on his ex-wife? Like with every story, its important to know both sides.

Another thing that you need to consider is if you're ready as well. The question is, do you fully, completely and wholly trust him because if you don't, you don't wait for it to build when you're married, it should already be there before you get married.

Apart from the trust, how are you with dealing with your own past. Lets remember that when you get into a relationship, you don't only carry your own baggage but you also take on board theirs as well. If there are things that you yourself still need to deal with in your own past, are you sure you're able to handle putting everything on the line again? Its better to be safe than have it all go wrong again. You only have one heart, you have every right to protect it.

The thing is, if you have a gut feeling that you aren't ready or that things aren't adding up, most likely its because you're right.

Its a good thing to be cautious because marriage is a big deal and it can be a beautiful thing, but if you aren't careful it can also be devastating.

Hope I helped, I am truly concerned for you.

P.S. Sorry for the long post

Of course you could handle another failure, we can put up with a lot more then we give ourselves credit for, but do you want to? I don't know, what you said is very compelling.

However, your not God so you don't know everything. And that's why you can't make up your mind. Well that's life, we as humans have to accept that and take the necessary steps to compensate for our ignorance. If you aren't sure, well that's natural and to be expected even more so in your situation. He cheated on his wife, he did the crime, Not you. So if your not ready, you need to make sure you are before putting to him a lifelong trust. Maybe he's semi-innocent and his wife cheated on him, maybe not. You can't know for sure because you don't know everything, and never will. So make sure you can do what you want to do before you do it. It would be better to wait years then to marry and have him cheat on you too because he's "sure" your cheating on him.

You see what I'm saying, yeah it could be construed as unfair to him, but he did cheat, and his wife doesn't seem like a person of that character, and this IS the rest of your life your talking about here, and you obviously are having doubts.

This is what I would do if I were him and I loved the woman that is having your difficulties.....

When she approached me with these concerns yet again for another time, I would concede and tell her to take her time. After all I did cheat on my wife, and that's wrong regardless. I'd prefer her to be sure before she makes me a promise. I would continue saving money as you guys are for later. I would postpone the wedding until she was absolutely sure. I would not push her into making a decision.... well I probably would ask if she was ready on a regular basis, but that's just me and I'm a bit silly, but I would never expect her to decide before she is ready. And on top of that, even when she decided she was ready, I would still continue to ask her to be sure because I would never ever want her to make a decision just to make me happy. I want her to be happy, not me..... well of course I'll be happy, but that's not my primary concern when it comes to the rest of her life with me.

I'm a 28 year old young man with very little to non-existent relationship experience, and I may know squat about how to talk or act around girls, but one thing I don't need to be taught is how precious I want that lovely young lady to feel should I ever find her.

sorry to hear you are so torn, it's a tough place to be. try this...talk to his friends and family...do they back up what he says about his ex? or is this just what "he say's". can you talk to any of the ex's friends. you say the ex went out and he 'baby sat', were the kids not his(you do not 'babysit' your own kids)...if he was so sure she was cheating,why did he stay? you don't fix a faithless marriage with more cheating. i think you should get the other side of his story, sounds like there is a lot more to it than you have heard so far. and you should not confirm the union untill you are absolutly sure.

Remember there are always two sides to every story, you got his side. Maybe you could invite his ex to lunch and talk to her about your concerns. She can give you better insight than anyone else.

My ex's exwife actually told me she wanted to tell me some things before I married him, but she didn't. I really wish she had. He always talked bad about her and said she was psycho! LOL now I know why she was that way. He was a total *** but didn't show it till after the wedding vows.

People can change. He's not necessarily going to cheat on you just because he cheated on her. In saying that though, it doen't sound like you trust him, which is a bigger issue. Maybe you need to see a counsellor - on your own and as a couple. You could be risking a good thing because of insecurity and fear. Good luck.

TO ALL THE IDIOTS...IF YOU CANT BE BOTHERED TO READ THE QUESTION DONT BOTHER ANSWER IT!!

Personally I think if your having second thoughts u should not be pushing yourself on unwillingly...but I always think , yeah he had probs with his ex, but hes not with her, they wernt happy, thats why they had probs and why ithey arent still together, if your happy in your relationship theres no cause for problems, Im happy in my relationship = no problems = no mistrust.

And Im really sorry to ask you here miabella but we taklked before bout your ASAPBUY dress did you get it yet? how does it look?

It sounds to me (and I'm nobody important), that you're worrying over nothing. If you love him, take a shot, what's the worst that could happen? You say you've been hurt before, so if he does hurt you, you obviously know how to pick yourself up and date again (that is if you have picked yourself all of the way up). You're either going to live your life rolling with the punches, or wondering what if......don't let anyones mistakes dictate what you feel, or what you do (his...yours.....nobody's).

thats tough but i mean think about this. If he's had a failed marriage if he wasnt serious about you then why would he even want to marry you? and i mean maybe she wasnt the one and you are but u need to somehow get these feelings taken care of bc if nt then ur always gona have that in the back of ur mind and it might get in the way of you guys. has he given you any reason to think that he might be doin that to you? if he has then be gone if nt then ur good. trust him, BUT just in case,get a prenupt., JUST IN CASE

Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that some thing's wrong, step back and reassess the situation.