Should I leave my partner?

Question

First off: Yes, I know this isn't the most conventional forum for this kind of topic, but the internet has a way of giving real, objective and sometimes harsh advice. I need to hear it.

My partner (26) and I (24) have been together for five years. We have a two year old daughter. We are both students. He is graduating this year with a degree in education, and I am graduating with an Honours BA. Next year, I will either be attending grad school or taking a job with JET (*if* I am accepted into the programme). My partner and I get along well. We have a relatively acceptable sex life (standard for parents of young children). The problem is this: 

I will HAVE to move this summer/fall, and he doesn't know that he wants to be with me enough to get married, and he definitely doesn't know that he wants to be with me enough to move with me when I a) go to grad school or b) join JET. As a certified teacher, he could work basically anywhere in Canada and could easily get a teaching job in Japan, so that's not his concern - it's whether or not he loves me enough to give up what he has here to move with me and our daughter.

He has given me ultimatums before: Change, or this won't work. The big issue is that I don't clean enough. Three months ago we had a big blow up over this, so I have started doing the dishes on a regular basis, picking up after our daughter (my exclusive duty), and cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms (top to bottom) on alternating weeks. I've made extra effort, but haven't received anything in return. The idea was that if I made those changes, he would try to be more affectionate and/or romantic. This hasn't happened at all. 

If I'm going to be going to a grad school or moving to Japan for JET with my daughter without him anyway, should I just cut the cord and end the relationship? He has said repeatedly that as things stand he doesn't want to marry me. I'm still with him because we DO get along in a friendly way usually and he loves our daughter, and parenting is definitely easier with two of you, but I'm not sure that's good enough. Do we "love" each other? I don't think so.

There is a very real possibility that if I leave him, due to the fact that I have a child and the stomach stretch marks and boobs to prove, I will be alone for the rest of my life. That's a harsh reality to face.

So, given that, what would you recommend in my situation? You can be harsh and call me selfish or irresponsible if you want to. i'm a big girl now, I can take it. :)

moe497 · Accepted Answer

It sounds as if neither of you is willing to commit to your relationship in the long term. It also seems as if you are both making plans that don't necessarily include the other person. You can both still be responsible and caring parents to your child, but I don't see this situation working out over the long term. You say that you don't believe that you guys are truly in love with one another and that your relationship is more that of caring friends. That's your answer...you don't have to second guess your feelings. There's a real likelihood that if you didn't have your daughter, this relationship would have ended a while ago. I know we have to compromise to make love and relationships work, but to list issues like housecleaning as a deal breaker??? This is the hallmark of a person looking for any excuse to end a relationship.

It also seems as if your fear of not finding someone else is what is keeping you with him. Don't let fear keep you from living a full life, whether you ever find someone else or not. Live your life so that your daughter understands what it means to really live.

Anonymous · Answer

Oh! There will be young mothers the world over reeling at this! a few stretch marks, less than perfect breasts and a child in tow are not the death nell for a young woman!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shock horror!
I think you know the answer to this already, and are looking for confirmation, I believe you will break up in a few years time, perhaps bitterly, and that is not the way to go. Yeah people say stay together for the kids, but I have seen it over and over where everyone comes out better. Kids are resilient and adapt to change very well. I am sure you daughter will prefer two happy well balanced parents, who live apart, rather than two who are simply going through the motions.

Anonymous · Answer

Sweets, most men are just glad you HAVE boobs!!  You wouldn't be lone because of your body, trust me!!!  If he is not willing to go with you, what is he stay here for???  I am not all about parents splitting up unless there is some abuse going on (doesn't sound the case, although HE sounds very self centered and childish) because children fare better in two parent households.....BUT.... it sounds like he is not planning on staying with you anyway!!  Is it going to be easier on your daughter if he leaves in five years when he finds someone who meets all his petty little requirements?  Or easier if you leave now and find her a MUCH better daddy???  

Anyway, he says he was with holding affection/romance because you didn't CLEAN enough???  What a crock of CRAP!!  And if he isn't holding up HIS end of the bargain, why are you still helping him clean???

IndyGirl · Answer

Real men don't let the world revolve around what your breasts look like after you've had a child, and whether or not you have stretch marks... so please don't think you're going to be ALONE for the rest of your life, Sweetie!!

Now... Your b/f sounds more like your OTHER child than your partner.  Let him go.  It's good you two are on friendly terms and he loves his child.  Let him go live somewhere else in his own filth.

He'll have to provide support for your daughter, and you'll be ok.  You sounds like a strong young woman.  Best to you, Honey!!
xoxoxo

funngirly · Answer

I think you deserve better than to have someone threaten to break up with you plus not sure he wants to marry you. This is why it is better to marry after college, then have a child, lol. 

 Your child deserves two parents. Is he committed to your daughter? If so then you both have a responsibility to live close to each other, but I wouldn't live with him unless he had a complete personality change and begged you to marry him. 
  If you move away, he is no longer her Dad. Plenty of guys would still want you even with a child. Beware of child predators. Good luck. PS Who will be raising your child? Daycare=Sad

Nort · Answer

1. Dump him
2. Stretch marks will not keep guys away, personality overrides that stuff.
3. Move on with your child and both you and your child will be better off without a guy like this in your lives.

Tatyana G · Answer

it would be to hard on your daughter. get him to do chores around the house. etc.

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Should I leave my partner?

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