How do you approach teenagers who never say thank you?

No, there is no way you can broach this subject with the boys. As your husband is apparently saying, his sons' indifference to the presents you've sent them is sufficient indication that they don't want them. So stop sending them. As you note, these boys are way too old to be so rude; and that also means they are way too old to be reprimanded for their bad manners--or rather for their lack of good manners. In general, remember: Adults should never presume to punish or reprimand adults--but adults can and do sometimes, with devastating effectiveness, pointedly ignore adults.

I am 22 and I have a dad that lives far away also. He will occasionally send me a check and of course I will cash it. His family will send me things too. I don't know your relationships to the kids, but if your husband only sees them once or twice a year, it is a clear way for the boys to say they are upset. I know I will never say thank you for the things that my biological father sends because it doesn't mean anything to me, and if he stopped I wouldn't care. I have no close attachment to him either. This man is basically a stranger to me and the gifts he sends doesn't replace the time I've lost. Plus, if you ask them to respond graciously you are going to add fuel to the fire. I think it can be rude to ask people to say thank you, and they will not be happy about it. If it bothers you that they don't say thank you then stop sending them things, and then you both can be content.

At 20 and 17, they're pretty self aware. They don't say thank you because they aren't grateful. If they were...they would. Even the daughter...who acknowledges the gifts...only jots off a 'quick' thank you through MySpace? I don't know the family dynamics here, but I suspect there are some 'issues' between your husband and his children. You can broach this subject with them if you want to...but be prepared to hear things you may not want to in response. You'd probably be better off just not sending them anything...I don't think it would matter to them either way....I'm just sayin...

Case in point: "Life goes on" basically admitted that she only says thank you in order to keep the gifts coming...that's probably what your husband's daughter is doing. At least the boys are being true to their own feelings.

I have grandparents (sorta-actually step gradparents, but w/e) who think like your husband. If you go two occasions in a row without sending them a thank-you card. Don't expect anything for your birthday. They are very generous, I've only known them 3 yrs, but for all of thier grand-children (including me and my brothers even though we're still not technically family) get a box a chocolates and $100 for christmas. This year for my 16th birthday I got $50. But no thank you note-no money for you. I have seen them do this to other relatives, so I always make sure to write a nice thank you for them.

So, basically, I agree with your husband, send them to the daughter and not the sons. Maybe also give a note to the daughter saying how much you appreciate her thank you notes. Maybe if you emphasize that only she sends them, she'd pass the message on to the sons.

Try not to be confrontational. The best way to help young people amend a bad habit is by giving them honest advice without sounding like you are blaming them. It is possible that they honestly don't know they are supposed to send thank you cards when they receive gifts. Just tell them straight out, "Now that you are an adult, the custom is to send a card when you get a gift. Some people will think you are ungrateful if you don't." You could even get them a stationary set as a gift!

The boys on the receiving end are not being thankful, but are you just sending gifts and money to be thanked?

Perhaps you should jokingly say "your welcome" (with a nice smile).

Or maybe you can just ask them if they received whatever it is you sent them and also ask if they liked it.

All in all, the boys won't appreciate it, if you're giving presents only to be thanked.

It's your husband's job to teach his children manners. He should tell the boys what he expects from them. No one is too old to learn. Cutting them off should be a last resort.

(The 20-year-old is just barely an adult, and the 17-year-old isn't one, so his father certainly does have the right to correct them.)

Stop giving. They are old enough to have learned some manners. Talking to them about their rudeness may or may not help them realize what is expected when they receive a gift from you. If it doesn't, save your generosity for the well-mannered girl.

Send them a message, or better yet speak to them, and say, "I wanted to make sure you received the __________ we sent you. We never heard from you about it and we were afraid it got lost in the mail or something!" It will wake them up to the fact that not acknowledging gifts is rude, while being gentle about it. If after that the behaviour continues, take a bolder approach and have your husband speak to them about it. (He should be the one to do it, as they are his children, not yours!)

Best regards,

Holly :)

Carry on sending gifts to the girl as she does say thank you. As for the boys, I wouldn't anymore. If they ask, say that because they never bothered to say thanks for the gifts, you decided not to bother buying them anything.

If you say something to them now, you'll get a half felt thank you from them for the first year then they won't bother. Stoppoing now will get them to remember from now on.

If they start saying that it's not fair that their sister got gifts, all you need to say is that it is fair, she bothers to say thanks and you bother to buy her gifts but they don't bother, therefore you don't bother and it's about time that they grow up and start acting their age.