To what extent should all adoptee experiences/stories be viewed through the adoption lens?

Dear MK,

I understand what you are saying and I basically agree. I don't think "lens" is the right word though. I would use the word "gel". (Gels are the colored pieces of plastic or glass that are used to change the color of stage lights.) Or maybe the word "scar". (No two scars are the exactly the same either - even when caused by the same kind of weapon/injury.)

I think we all agree that no two people are exactly alike or live the same experiences, however, people who experience the same kind of thing often have similar reactions to one another. More often than not the experience and reactions "color" the person. Not everyone has the same reaction or "color" because different people can have different reactions to similar experiences as well, but they too, are "colored" by the experience. When the experience is a deep or traumatic one, it can often "color" the person profoundly and any subsequent choices/events/reactions/etc. the person may experience. People's entire points of view can be VASTLY different depending on who they are and the experiences they have had - and people can do a 180 after a new experience.

In "scar" terms, a scar permanently alters a something. It is never the same again. A person can be scarred for life or a scar can fade over time. Some scars are deep and some are shallow. Some are jagged and smooth. Some people like their scars and consider them "character" and others hate them and are never comfortable with them. Some people don't notice their scars and are uneffected by them, other people are bothered by their scars and are very effected by them. Any way you slice it (excuse the pun), the scar has a permanent effect on the person.

For example: A young woman experiences a sexual assault. Prior to the event she was a "normal" woman and related to men on a "normal" level. After the assault, she has a hard time trusting men and becomes obsessive about cleanliness. Before someone attempts to understand/treat her trust issues or OCD, it is IMPERATIVE that they understand that she is an assault victim. Even if someone can "successfully treat" her, she will ALWAYS have experienced the assault, it will ALAWYS be a part of her because it will have changed, "colored" or "scarred" her life. She may NEVER look at certain things the same way again and she will have a slightly different angle on other things. The assault will always be a "gel" or "scar" her life.

"Gels" and "scars" both have their own direct effects on things but they can also amplify other issues. They can make someone more concerned about something than they were previously.

Adoption is a "gel"/"scar" because it profoundly effects the person experiencing it. While it may not be the direct cause of another issue, it can easily "color" or effect the way a person reacts to or handles the subsequent issue. It can effect their POV/though process/subconscious reactions/ etc. It should be considered rather than dismissed as a contributing factor to a person's issues until shown to be a non-factor. There are many issues that can be chalked up to "self-esteem" problems (like Lori's weight loss girl) that originate, stem from or are amplified by a deeper cause/other experience. Simply dismissing adoption as a possible amplifier for other issues an adoptee may have seems rather irresponsible to me.

IMO, it is important to recognize the "lenses"/"gels"/"scars"/ EXPERIENCES of a person if one truly wishes to UNDERSTAND and EMPATHIZE with them. Certainly one would never tell an amputee that their need to wear sunglasses to make them feel less conspicuous was "not related" to being an amputee. It is not necessarily the "direct cause" of the need, but it is a "symptom"/"indirect cause"/"effected by" the feelings of being an amputee. Life just isn't that neat that we can compartmentalize people's issues. People are complex beings that are the sum of their parts - to dismiss one part, even if it seems not to effect the whole is to miss the bigger picture.

I did not mean to associate anorexia to adoption as being an adoption issue. It was her particular way of being able to control what she could.

I had a friend tell a young lady that if she started to get fat this person was going to take over her diet. I saw that as a potential problem for the young lady and spoke with the person who said it.

Words can be very damaging to anyone. I was simply trying to point that out. Like the people who heard that their mothers loved them so much they gave them away. Some of these kids actually thought that if you love your child you must give them away.

I know that eating disorders are not directly associated but CAN be in a child's mine who can not control anything else, a way to keep their status with their parents. Does that make sense?

And there are other things that children misinterpret because of their age and the fact that they are adopted. Things that non adopted children wouldn't think twice about.

I'm not sure I am relaying this as accurately as I could, or as accurately as others might be able to do. There isn't one set thing, but rather the idea that certain things can spark different meanings in adoptee's because of their adoption status.

This is why I originally asked about some of the industry language being used. If you know that others thought this or misinterpreted that as a child wouldn't you want to know for the sake of your own child? I find some of their language to be harmful. Not that it was intended to be, but all in all is in fact harmful.

All life experiences are unique to the individual and are colored with their personal palette of self-perception. I'm not sure anyone other than a truly good analyst can separate the real from the perceived.

I believe I developed some chutzpah because I was constantly teased about my height (Jolly Green Giant stuff) and my weird first name. In the crystal ball of life did my height effect my behavior or do I just think it did? I don't think it matters.

I feel we need to accept the lens that people see through if we have any chance of understanding their viewpoint.

I really need to go back and answer Lori's question. I have been in and out of recovery for my anorexia for almost 11 years now. In that time I have had to literally pick apart every single traumatic experience in my life to get to the bottom of why I refuse nourishment to the degree that I do. I have narrowed it down to three key experiences, I will list them in chronological order.

I was always told the chosen baby story. It started with "we got a call" and ended with "we were told to pick the prettiest baby so we picked you". Over and over in my early childhood I was told how cute I was because I was so tiny, that my parents chose me because I was the smallest and prettiest baby there and that everyone wished I could stay small forever.

Second was the birth of my cousin when I was 5. After my cousin was born I was in anguish. I remember her christening like it was yesterday, all the aunts and my grandmother patting me on the head and telling me that I wasn't the smallest girl anymore, I had to be a big girl now. I also remember catching my gma saying how happy she was to FINALLY have a REAL grandchild. My immature reasoning nailed it down quickly, stay tiny and everyone will still love you. Be perfect because you aren't real.

The third is what brought the anorexia out. When my mother was diagnosed with whatever the hell killed her (to this day I have no clue what it really was but they told me asthma, I believe lung cancer) I was ten years old. She pretty much lived in hospitals and extended care facilities until she died when I was 14. I was forced into the role of caregiver and mother. In my warped little mind being small and cute equalled being good enough to be loved as well as the fact that my age made me "old enough" to take on the responsibility. If I could only stay little I could go back to my normal life. I was so overwhelmed by my new responsibilities that I stopped eating. It was never a conscious choice, it just happened.

Losing a parent can happen to any child, being told to be a big girl after the birth of a new baby can as well. The common factor in all of it was the childhood story of being chosen based on my looks. I often wonder how I would have turned out if I was never told that one little lie that social workers believed would show adoptees how special they are. There is no history of eating disorders in my family, there is no history of self harm in my family and there is no history of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (the second of my two official ED related disorders). There is no genetic factor, only environmental. So while others may have the same diagnosis as I do the reason for the disorders will always be different. I go to Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meetings when I can and have discovered that out of a group of 17 regular attendees 6 of us are adopted or spent time in the foster care system early in life. All women are at risk for eating disorders but part of the development is trauma and I experienced trauma from the second I was born and ripped from my mothers arms.

So in the end I understand that while anyone can be at risk for unusual coping methods or disorders there always needs to be a trigger. For many that trigger is adoption.

Interesting question.

I think certainly people can empathise but I do think being adopted can only be fully understood by those who are adopted. I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with half of the issues adopted people have but I do try to understand as best I am capable of.

A couple of years ago I caught up with someone I knew as a child and found out he was adopted (which I hadn't ever realised before, he was just my friend) and over the course of our chat, he relayed to me that most of his circle of friends were adopted (only 1 out of 20 wasn't) and they had all experienced similar things which the non-adopted friend just couldn't relate to.

I believe the 'adoption' lens is at times the only way to look at certain issues BUT adoptees are people too and do have experiences that non-adopted people have and so in those things, non-adopted people can relate. And I am sure many issues adopted people have come as a result of being alive like they are for non-adopted people. (Not sure if any of this makes sense).

So yes, on some levels non-adoptees and adoptees can relate, on others we can't. Its like that for many people all over the world.... mothers who have lost a child to adoption, people who come from different cultures, people with illnesses or ailments, different sexual orientation etc. And in all these things, no one can ever fully understand another as we are ALL unique human beings and our experiences affect us all uniquely.

A friend of mine recently left an abusive husband. I can completely relate to that experience. However, I cannot relate to the fact that she's leaving her third abusive husband (not saying anything bad about that fact, just that this is not an experience I have had, so I cannot relate). I think it's always a good thing to see if you can find a way to relate to someone, so that you're able to validate and support them through difficult times, rather than have an "us vs. them" attitude. However, it would be disrespectful to think we can identify completely with any single experience, thought, feeling, belief, etc. that anyone else has. There's always more to the story that another person can't totally relate to. And that's ok.

And I haven't read the discussion this question came from, but I think it should be up to the person dealing with anorexia to determine how much, if any, that condition relates to adoption. No one else can define that for her.

Being not an adoptee myself this is a hard one for me as well! Often, I find myself "relating" to certain issues and feelings of things posted... and having grown up as one of the only Not Adopted Cousins, and being the wife to an adoptee when we were 18 and 19--and having children who were the Only cousins who had ONE parent who wasn't adopted--and raising biological children who had their Own issues related to the adoption of their father---and now being an adoptive mother--I often face "Adoption or Not" issues.

With our children adopted from Foster Care (who had issues related and not related to adoption) our family is one dealing with two children who have HUGE issues which have led to this point in time where we literally have a TEAM of therapists, 3 to be exact. One for our daughter, one for our son and one providing Family Therapy with us as parents. They hold meetings with each other, DHS, County Mental Health and our daughters therapists is Resident at the Public Day Treatment School with her....

Two of the three therapists are Adoptees, and so is our daughters teacher and the DHS Social Worker is as well. So there are a LOT of adoptess adding their input to the situations we face and I do rely on their advice and input--Which is ALL Different from each other's!

I just returned from a therapy session with our son and his Adoptee Therapist and this morning during my portion of the session I made a comment about something being an Adoption Issue---and was swiftly corrected and Told, "No, this isn't an adoption issue it's a 7-year old boy issue!" but, for another completely unrelated issue I didn't attribute to being an adoption related issue--I was told, "Well, you know many adoptees do express that kind of a feeling."

I have watched the therapists work with our children for over 6 years now and I believe what I have witnessed from Their approach has often been to talk about the "whatever" and if the therapists have wanted to determine if their feelings are resulting from adoption most often they just ask directly:

"So, M~~~, do you think you feel that way because of This, That or do you think the feelings are about being adopted?"

I know with my ex-husband and his sister (who remains my best friend after 30 years) and the other adoptees I personally know--I have often just directly asked myself... "Do you feel this because you were adopted? Or do you feel this way because of the way your parents raised you? Or do you just Feel this way?"

Of the adoptees I personally know--some will believe everything is about adoption--other's have looked at me like I was nuts for even connecting the issue they shared to adoption.

I can say that with the professionals I am most often corrected and flat told that I am wrong to assume the issue is an adoption related one... Having raised two biological children (who are also directly involved with therapy) often the therapists will Ask Me if my older children did or said the same things? And what was my reaction to them when they did and I didn't have adoption as a reason to feel their issues were an underlying fact? I have occasionally been told--"You, can't compare the situation of your biological children to the adopted ones because they aren't the same."

~~~so, I guess the only person who's point of view is Valid is the Person with the point of view? All I can do is my best to be understanding, supportive and validate the feelings of Which Ever Adoptee tells me they feel whatever way they do--and why they feel or believe the way they do.

Guess, that's what makes everyone an Individual and I don't really think it's possible to shake it all out into neat little lumps of "Is" and "Is Nots" what seems the most important to the adoptees I know is what they feel about it!

*

well, I went through a VERY hard, but very beneficial program designed to help women with any type of life-controlling issue. I lived there with a woman who had been in 26 different foster homes, abused in 80% of those and lived her adult life as a prostitute and heroin addict. On the same note, I also was there with a woman who had a "picture perfect" childhood (from the outside), yet she suffered from some similar symptoms. She had an eating disorder, and also abused her prescription drugs. My childhood wasn't the worst, nor the best, yet I grew into a 12 year addiction that led to me having my daughter taken from me, we were reunited 18 months later, and I have full custody again. Needless to say, every child gets hurt. It is simply how we process it as kids and how much resentment we hold on to that determines how our adult life will be led. With that said, we can all relate to an adoptee in some way or another. We might not know exactly what they went through or how it affected them, but we can still relate, try to understand how they feel, and think about how it would affect you if you were in their shoes.

I've had another big life changing event in my life and I honestly don't know if my feelings are a result of one or the other or both. A lot of my issues can be attributed to either and most times, they are. (Meaning the fallout between two very different events can be similar).

The teenage angst I felt didn't seem any different in my circle of friends, and we all had very different backgrounds. My closest friends and I are very similar and this is after childhood, teenage angst, our 20s and into our 30s. We all have very different lives but have so much in common, when it comes to our 'issues'.

I think adoption does result in its own after effects that can be similar to other life events. Loss can result in fear of rejection, feeling abandoned, fear of letting people get too close. A friend of mine had relationship problems very common to mine. Her loss was her father dying when she was 12.

I do believe there are consequences to adoption, but I don't think everything can be attributed to it though.

I really do have a hard time with questions such as these because, for me, I've never defined myself by my adoption. I am who I am, good or bad (feel free to discuss which one among yourselves. lol) not because of any "adopted" label. Would I have been the same person had I not been adopted? Most certainly not. And I don't mean I would be better or worse, happier or sadder. I just mean I would be different in the same way I would have been different had my father taken that job offer in the US when I was 11 or had my mother not had cancer when I was 17. We are all the sum of our experiences and how we handle them. I think it's the "how we handle them" part that makes the difference.

Because of all of that I don't expect non-adoptees to identify with my experiences and I don't expect that I can identify with theirs. At the same time though I don't feel theirs are any better then mine, just different.