I've got this devil on my shoulder who keeps whispering in my ear?

Ugh, Michael, I don't know. We all have our "devils" whispering in our ears - it could be about marriage, work, life in general. If it's not going away, at some point you just have to learn to live with it and ignore its voice. Of course, we all want to be happy, loving and pain-free; but there's almost always something that gets in the way.

Accepting that things are "different" now between you and your wife may be the first step. "Different" doesn't have to mean "bad", even if it's not the way it was before. If you keep yearning for the past, you are missing the present; and it seems to me that even in the past your relationship was "a mixed bag", as any relationship is. The only advice I can come up with is - make friends with the devil on your shoulder; try to enjoy the relationship as it is now. It seems to me there's plenty to enjoy.

That said, I don't think you have to feel obligated to do things that feel forced. If you're uncomfortable with mushy cards, phase them out. Perhaps it's not right for your relationship as it is now. Try to find ways to express yourself that feel "right" to you; if you are comfortable and at ease, your wife will pick up on it; it can make your relationship feel more natural and less strained overall.

In regards to your previous question, well... Personally, I don't see the point in trying to find out all the details, or letting it eat you alive. If you believe your wife, then you already know everything you need to know; if you don't believe her, then no matter what she tells you, you won't be satisfied. Prying for details is a lose-lose proposition; it only stirs up old memories and disturbs old wounds. As time goes by, your wife herself is starting to forget the details; a process of forgetting is important, and you need to let it take its course, instead of constantly trying to drag the past into the light of day. I know it's a cliché, but she's not with this other man - she is with you; no matter where her whim had temporarily taken her, her love and loyalty seem to lie with you, and this is what counts at the end.

This devil's a border guard.

You wander (note no real drive here) in the direction of what turned each of you on to each other and get turned back. That's OK, you say. I'll come back another day when it's convenient. Well, that's who the border guard is. Bowing to day to day convenience puts food on the table and takes care of precious kids. But it stuffs ether-soaked cotton into passion so you don't just buy a Harley and drive off with your woman into the sunset. Well, frankly you're tired of the anesthetic. She is too.

Married folk forget their obligation to soak the charcoal with gasoline (with a few fireworks) once in a while just to see the thing explode. You don't care about other women, not real caring for their lives. You just wanna feel the explosion and the heat again. Maybe even get burned. That's what passion does to you. Getting a little singed feels pretty good when it's real passion. Going for that with another woman puts third degree burns on your whole family, not just you.

Life that feels like slow death to you feels that way to her too. You've got a woman who wants a hot tango just as much as you. Make it happen in some way every week. Something crazy. Something you'd do with those other women. Fire never dies. People consciously choose to put it in a nuclear storage facility and store in underwater in chilled conditions.

You've gotta tell the border guard to stick it. Go rescue the fire. It's surprisingly even better the second time, and the third, etc. You've got the love. Get a match.

You need to let her know you are still harboring resentments. You'll have to work together to get past it, but talking to her about it is the first step. If you don't address the issue head on, these feelings you are having may only fester and get worse. You may want to consider marriage counselling together to air out all the bad feelings and learn how to reconnect as a couple. Good luck!

Some of us need the whole truth to be able to heal and move on.

Does your wife know exactly how you feel about the issues of the past and how they are not letting you move forward.

If she has a tendencies to avoid listening or answering your concerns, I'd suggest writing your feelings down. Hopefully, after reading your not your wife might understand your hurt and be able to open up and discuss the past with you.

Unfortunately, we cant take back the past, but you can work on building a new open and happy future together?

Good luck Mickey! :)

Listen Mikey...she owes you the truth no matter how much or little it will hurt you. I suggest you go to marriage counseling. In fact I think that's about the only thing that will help. You're building up all kinds of feelings that aren't healthy and resentment will soon set in if it hasn't already.

You're being way too nice to her about it! If it was me I'd be like a little lap dog nipping at her heels till she spilled the beans!

I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope all works out for you Mikey! You're a super nice guy!

Ok, I read your previous question. It sounds like you know that the disconnection you guys experienced was partly your fault, and you know how to actively prevent that going forward. She sounds like she handled a tough situation honorably, and has given you ample reason to trust her intentions toward your marriage. It probably would have been easy to walk away, and many do exactly that. She didn't.

When you start worrying, actively control your thoughts. Take your worst fears, and counter them. Example: 'I'm afraid she did more than what she said, or had deeper feelings than she admitted." When you start thinking this way, repeat over and over again something like, "We experienced a troubled spot, as many marriages do, my wife loves me enough to stay and work through anything we face. I choose to be understanding, and loving, because I know we have built a beautiful family and both deserve to enjoy and share each others love."

Obviously you can come up with something that more effectively targets your trouble spots, write it down, and just read it over and over again whenever you start to notice worry thoughts creeping in. You can control your thoughts, you just have to actively do so. If you step in and redirect your thoughts, positively and productively, your feelings and perspective WILL change. Check out Dr. Amen's books on changing 'automatic negative thoughts' for more tools/insight. If you start doing this immediately, I know you will be amazed at the difference it makes.

Good luck to you! It will work out, bc you both want it to, and are doing your part. Sometimes, you have to jump aboard and take control of the reins. We all do. :)

Communication is the best answer to all problems. Talk with her and tell her how you are feeling. She may feel the same way. Maybe a weekend escape for the two of you. Apparently other things have changed as well. In a marriage we all get complacent, and it is up to us to keep the spark going and the interest there. Spice is Life.......

When I got married 10 years ago a close family member gave me the best advice. She told me, in a marriage you will fall in and out of love with that person numerous times over the years. The trick is to find new ways to fall in love each time around. When you first began dating you courted her, buying flowers and doing little things to make her happy.

Over the years you grow as a person and sometime couples grow apart. But if your courting your wife, and trying to get to know her now you will find out new things that will spark a new flame.

Introduce him to the angel on the other one that is whispering in your other ear saying "Never give up Mike, if you love her!'

I have both of those shoulder entity'sand I resent the hell out of them, but, at least I have a conscience.

Dude you're never going to feel like you used to. It's been forever changed.

You're going to have to get a different feeling.

fall in love all over again!!!

it's sad, sometimes I feel the same way :(