what makes a Bridezilla? when is it too much?

To me, a bride crosses that fine line between being the star of her special day and being a Bridezilla when she tries to change her friends, family, and fiance to match her vision of the perfect wedding. Some brides insist that their bridesmaids change their hair color, lose weight, get their tattoos covered up or removed- I even heard of one bride that insisted the bridesmaids get Botox! To me, that is going way too far when you try to change the physical appearance of people who are supposed to be your closest friends. How hurtful and rude to suggest to your friends that they are in some way not pretty enough to stand beside you at your wedding!

On the other hand, though, I hate those Bridezillas who go out of their way to make sure their bridesmaids don't end up looking prettier than them. That is ridiculous on the opposite end of the spectrum. If, as a bride, you are so insecure that you won't be the center of attention, you obviously have some real emotional issues, and the cost of your wedding would be better spent on therapy.

I also can't stand it when a Bridezilla publicly humiliates her fiance by yelling at him, calling him names in front of his friends/family, treating him like a child, etc. I can't believe how many dumb girls get so wrapped up in the idea of being "THE BRIDE" that they forget that this man they are treating like garbage is the person they are about to marry. Without the fiance, there's be no wedding in the first place! Besides, after the 5-hour party is over, this is the person you are supposed to be committed to for the rest of your life. To me, so many brides lose focus of the marriage itself because they're so interested in the wedding.

I'm not going to lie- I knew going into this whole engagement that I had tendencies towards maybe being a Bridezilla- for instance, I have been known to throw fits if the weather doesn't turn out for a party or barbecue- but because I know that about myself, I decided to purposely make my wedding as casual, laid-back, and low-stress as possible, to minimize the chances of me having an embarrassing flip-out. So far it's working- only two and a half months to go and I'm cool as a cucumber, everything's falling into place just great. My whole mantra is "there's no such thing as a perfect day," and my goal is to just make it as fun for everyone as possible. Also, I am focusing more on the marriage and my relationship with my fiance than the wedding itself. I make sure to talk about other topics besides the wedding for the most part, and to make sure our hobbies, interests, and sex life remain intact. The result is that I haven't had any fights or arguments with my parents, bridesmaids, or fiance about anything wedding-related, and everyone is in total harmony. I think more brides should take this approach, especially if they're like me and are prone to anger-management issues, LOL.

A bridezilla is demanding and inconsiderate.

I think there is a fine line between having preferences and being demanding. Also, expectations & bridezilla-ness will vary from bride to bride and wedding party.

If your bridesmaids can comfortably afford a $350 dress, that doesn't make you a bridezilla. If your bridesmaids can barely afford a $50 dress and you choose a $350 dress, you could be considered a bridezilla.

A bride that demands her wedding party have the exact same hairdo and that they must spend an insane amount of money to have it done at the salon she chooses is a bridezilla.

I don't feel I'm coming across as a bridezilla when I asked my flowergirls moms "my only preference is no pigtails on the girls - other than that I don't car how you do their hair" (my friend loves to put pigtails on her 7-year-old and I think she looks awful).

I think a bride gets so caught up in it being some perfect fairy tale plan and it being HER day and that she can dictate outrageous requests and be snotty to anyone and everyone because SHE'S the bride.

It's one thing to say that the bridesmaids have to buy a reasonably priced dress that the bride selected, it is another thing when the bride expects to have an entourage at her beck and call going from place to place to plan her wedding.

When a bride treats her future in-laws like crap and is rude and insulting to her FMIL because the FMIL offers some suggestions and the bride is incensed because she wants to do everything with her mom and her family.

I think it works two ways.

While I agree that brides should not ask for too much, creating too many expenses for their maids . . .

Potential bridesmaids also need to realize that they have the right to decline the honor, if they realize being in the wedding will create financial hardship.

It's okay to tell a friend, "I love you and will do anything to help you with errands for the wedding. But I cannot be a bridesmaid at this time. I simply cannot afford it."

The bride then has the option of saying, "That's okay, I understand."

Or bride has the option of saying, "That's okay. I am willing to buy your bridesmaid's dress for you."

Honesty about expectations at the very beginning is what is important.

It's really an overall thing. Most bridesmaids are young and don't have a lot of money, so expecting them to fork out hundreds of dollars for your day and the increasing number of self-centered parties is too much. That is why I have always refused to be a bridesmaid. ANY couple who asks for cash gifts receive NO gift from me. The only time cash gift requests are acceptable to me is if the couple is moving across country or out of the country (where they really can't take anything).

Someone who thinks that getting married is an excuse to be unreasonable. It's one day, so you are getting married ... why does that give anyone an excuse to waste money, make unreasonable demands and boss everyone around.

Brides are supposed to be happy, not b*tchy. And in my opinion, a bride should be so happy that it is impossible to be rude or mean to anyone, about anything. It's just a wedding! It's just one day! Having perfect colour roses that match the cocktail napkins perfectly in the right shade of pink really has no baring on what your marriage will be like. If a girl is obsessing (and having nasty fits) about those little details I say: Bridezilla.

In my mind you become a bridezilla when:

1. you don't take into account anyone's feelings or thoughts but your own and make decisions accordingly, yes it is your day but if your 200 lb, 38DD friend doesn't feel comfortable in the skintight strapless dress you found then she shouldn't have to wear it

2. You start focusing so much on the wedding that you forget what it's suppose to symbolize... my friend's fiance really wanted to write his own vows and it almost took an intervention for her to "allow it" since "he's never been that good at writing" (see how she missed the point?)

EDIT:

I definitely agree with Suz about BMs being able to decline.

I have heard several friends who were in weddings with very reasonable BM expenses ($100 dresses, no hair or make up, contributing $50 for the bridal shower) complaining and all I wanted to tell them was, "well, you could have said no."

i think the definition of a bridezilla is a perfectionist. i think ima bridezilla but its only because i know how i want things and people seem to not follow instructions correctly.

for ex. my bestfriend was supposed to be my bridesmaid and her fiance was supposed to be a groomsmen. i had made an appt for her to try on dresses (because she's a lil bigger and i wanted to see what looked ok on her) and i was ready to walk out my door to pick her up when she told me that she couldn't go because her fiance refused to watch their two kids and he felt like there was no point in dress shopping if she wasn't buying anything then and there. i became furious because as the bride, i felt like i was doing her a favor by picking a dress that she would look good in and not loook huge and be uncomfortable, so i kicked her and her fiance out.

she never has a babysitter and da only time she could've went to try on dresses is if he watched the kids or if she brought the kids with her (which in her mind was totally out of the question)

i feel like i don't have time or patience to deal w| people who are going to give me hassle. either ur in or your out.

A !@#$! on the wedding day, fisrt off. But, leading up to the day, they can be torturous for people to be around. They are very demanding. They think ALL THE WORLD is celebrating thair wedding day with them!!

There are numerous ways in which this person could have cut costs and didn't. Basically, everyone else had to put up the money to celebrate her day, which isn't "normally" unreasonable to ask of the people in your wedding. However, $350???? On what? Did they have real gold on them? Please tell me they did!

Miss Manners [aka Judith Martin] had a few words on the topic in her delightful Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

You, out there in Brideland, you sweet thing ... Are you planning your wedding so that it will be perfect in every detail? Do you expect it to be the happiest day of your life? Miss Manners sincerely hopes not.

Few of those who prattle about that "happiest day" seem to consider the dour expectations this suggests about the marriage from its second day on. They don't realize that a wedding reception is basically a large party, and is therefore not perfectible because there are too variables, not to mention too many people who one thought would not accept the invitation. At any rate, someone whose idea of ultimate happiness is a day spent at a big party, even spent being the center of attention at a very marvelous big party, is too immature to get married.

This notion of a wedding persists, often working directly against the purpose of a wedding, which is to create a new family, and not to put cracks and strains in old ones. Miss Manners' advice to young brides is to plan weddings that will be pretty and festive, but not to attempt to make them grand on a scale unrelated to the rest of their lives, and not to expect them to be perfect. Many an otherwise lovely bride has turned ugly attempting to create a "dream" occasion and to make everyone else conform with her conception of their roles in it.

A warning that one has strayed too far afield is an excessive preoccupation with everything's being done "right". Weddings are rare events in most people's lives, and Miss Manners has no objections to the participants' seeking advice on correct form. She dispenses such advice herself, right and left. But if one needs professional direction -- not just help or advice -- in every aspect of the wedding, it may mean that one hs wondered into completely foreign social territory and should think about heading home. One's wedding should be a heightened version of one's best social life, not an occasion for people to attempt to play grand and unfamiliar roles in a fantasy play.

Another warning about expecting a perfect day is that this carries a built-in potential for disappointment. (There are adults who go through life expecting other people to make their birthdays perfect for them and if you ever meet one of these, watch out. Nothing will ever be enough for them.)

What Miss Manners wishes all brides is NOT the happiest days of their lives, but a jolly gathering of family and friends, in which they are the object of general admiration but EVERYONE has a good time. They will then have some happiness left over with which to live happily every after.