I would really to know what you think is?

My definition:

A Happy Adoptee - is one who has connected with others and is in the process of healing. Someone who is freeing themselves of the group-think, shame and Stockholm syndrome mentality that they lived under. Someone who feels empowered to finally speak their truth. Someone who is working to make the world a better place for other adoptees. The adoptees who answer questions here are, to me, happy adoptees. I know they make me happy and I think they make the world a better place.

An Angry Adoptee - someone who is so shackled by guilt, shame and denial that they lash out at other adoptees. Someone who feels the need to repeatedly proclaim their lack of curiosity regarding their origins. Some are so angry, they even go so far as to lobby against restored access.

I think happy adoptees got that way through the company of other adoptees and the ability to speak freely. Angry adoptees are caused by the secrecy and lies of the adoption experience and the burden of gratitude society places on them.

I am an "aoptee" and can only speak for myself.

1. A happy adoptee would be a child/infant adopted into a warm loving home to parents who are wonderfully happy loving people who have enough warmth in their hearts to welcome and share their lives with a child that is not biologically connected to them. Being able to bond together as a family.

2. An angry adoptee which a lot of people instantly assume is the child that resents being given up and is angry and possibly ungrateful.

I fall into this category but not for these reasons. I understand why I was given up for adoption and can accept it for what it is. I am the angry adoptee: my mother was terribly physically and verbally abusive to us ( my adopted brother and I) I was told by her not to call her mom, that she wished she never adopted us, that she hated us, we have been called every degrading name possible and one of my earlier memories is her shoving my brother into the f**k'n oven. Adoption is not always a skip through the daisies as i'm sure these things happen to "normal" people as well. Those are some of the nicer memories we have.

3. Under "normal" circumstances "how an adoptee got that way" and I am assuming that to mean the angry adoptee, we all have primal instincts that we are born with, when the woman is carrying the infant in her womb the infant learns the sound of her voice, her heartbeat, her habits - sleeping, her breathing, feels her emotions. When the infant is born, learns her smell feels her touch along with everything else the baby knows to be its mother, and without a choice is taken and placed in the arms of a stranger all be it loving people, are not the safety and security of the woman the child has connected with for the past nine months of its life and all though the infant, still an intelligent creature that at such a young age can even realise that this is not my "mother". That has to be terrifying in itself.

4. I think there should be a transitioning period for the baby to get used to it's "new" mother. I believe there should be a rigorous screening process for prospective adoptive parents, as well as pre and post adoption parenting courses to be taken up to at least the first year of the childs life. A lot of people who adopt throw parties to celebrate bringing home the new baby, while a lovely idea, who is recognising and nurturing this baby through such a traumatic time in its life (and as crude as this sounds) where it has been pulled from its mothers arms and placed with strangers.

Well, I just used those terms because I've read them a lot here, and I didn't know how else to put it. So I went with the phrases in common use.

By a happy adoptee I meant someone whose glad they were adopted and/or thinks adoption is a good thing.

By angry adoptee I meant someone who is angry or upset that they were adopted and/or thinks adoption is a bad thing.

3) No idea. A lot of people here who are upset say they didnt have bad experiences.

4) Open adoption would reduce the pain of loss. Although I don't think children should have contact with abusive biological parents. Contact with the rest of the family would make a big difference. I lost one side entirely and that was an indescribable loss. I moved 15 hours drive away from the maternal family and that was hard and painful but I still had contact with them so I got over it.

1. On this forum, I define a "happy" adoptee: An adopted person who has taken an honest look at the effect (or lack of effect) adoption had on his/her life and the issues surrounding adoption. They are able to discuss adoption, adoptive parents and adoption agencies with an open and balanced view. Not all "Rainbows and unicorn farts" but not always "greedy, entitled baby-stealers" either. A "Happy Adoptee" is comfortable enough with their own feelings on the subject to engage in a respectful and rational discussion without resorting to name-calling or dismissing the experiences of another. A "happy" adoptee may have had a terrible adoptive parents or may have had wonderful adoptive parents, but they can acknowledge that everyone has valid perspectives, even if it doesn't match their own.

2. An "angry" adoptee is an adopted person that defines the entire experience of being adopted for everyone, solely on their personal feelings on the subject. If their adoptive parents were abusive, then everyone's adoptive parents must have been abusive at some level. If their experience was happy growing up, then everyone's experience must have been happy. An "angry" adoptee cannot enter into a rational discussion about adoption without marginalizing or minimizing the experiences and opinions of those with different perspectives, whether that is always jumping to the conclusions that an AP *must* have done something illegal or unethical, or that the first parent *must* have been pressured or coerced, or that an adoptee *must* have some kind of psychological issue that is *really* the problem. Angry adoptee use words like "get over it" or "drinking kool aid" or "in a fog" in order to attack the opinions of others that don't fall in line with their own thinking.

3. How did they get that way? I think it's largely a personality type, combined with a sense of maturity. Maybe there's a Nature/Nurture component. Some people are so insecure about their own feelings that they need to attack people who don't share them. Some people are secure enough in their own feelings that they can listen to another opinion and respect it, even if they don't agree with it.

4. Not sure. Kinda like leading a horse to water, I guess.

A "happy adoptee" is an adopted person who eats rainbows and farts butterflies. Basically, that person agrees with everything the Kool-Aid drinkers spout...particularly that searching is bad and that their REAL parents are the ones who raised them.

An "angry adoptee" is an adopted person who is ticked that they don't have access to their OBC, don't know who their first parents are, and don't know anyone who looks like them. Angry adoptees don't buy into the whole "your mother gave you a great gift by giving you up" B.S. Pissy little bastards, aren't they?

Adoptees "got that way" by being educated. They had questions about their origins and weren't daunted when others said to 'leave it alone' or 'it's best this way.' They became more angry when they realized that their identities were a state secret.

How can we be sure "angry adoptees" don't happen? Well, a few things come to mind:

1) Treat adoptees like any other humans in this country -- allow them access to their OBCs!

2) Stop pre-birth matching and coercion of pregnant women.

3) Fix the system in the U.S. to be more like the ones in Australia and the UK, which make it illegal to have private adoptions.

I hate these terms, also. People are dynamic, and can't be summed up with one "feeling word".

I guess I could be classified as a "happy adoptee". I adore my parents, and am extremely close with both of them. They were open, supportive, and treated my adoption as a gift that they were grateful for. They were also kind when speaking of my birth family. Kids tend to internalize and project opinions of birthfamilies onto themselves, so it's important to never speak ill of them. Other than that, I think I was sort of meant to be their kid. Like I said, we're really close.

What bothers me is when I am told that I am in denial, or am not self-aware enough to know that I am not actually happy. I've been through counselling (I went through it before adopting my own daughter to make sure to resolve birthparent issues that may have been in existence) and I have ALWAYS been allowed to explore my feelings on the subject with my parents. I understand their feelings, but I feel that I should be entitled to mine, as well.

It's important that adoption is handled properly, and that the needs of the child are put first. Fortunately, adoptions in Canada are handled well. First, they are prevented (re-unification is the goal if possible when children are apprehended), and next, the home studies are quite intense, which helps PAP's to understand their own motivations. That alone can eliminate some potentially huge issues down the road.

EDIT:

I will say this also, and I apologize if it offends. I am not a proponent of private or international adoption. I was a private adoption, but I lucked out with fabulous parents who supported my journey. Many children adopted privately are not so lucky. I also have many issues with international adoptions, for a myriad of reasons. My daughter was adopted through a public domestic adoption, from a situation that was horrific. It is in those cases that I see the great need and value of adoption. There is no one within her biological family with whom she would have been safe, in any way.

1 a happy adoptee is able to find their mother and have a good

relationship with

2 an angry adoptee cant deal with the real truth about adoption

all the lies that were told to them all their life

3 an adoptee got that way because they were taken from their mother

because they were single and never told of their options all the agency was interested in was the baby not the mother

4 mothers should be told of all the help that is available to her so that she can raise her child get a job and support herself and her child

A happy adoptee - a title placed by the "roses and sunshine" adoption folks. The ones they embrace and love because they are saying everything they want to hear. Their own cheerleaders to prove that adoption is a wonderful, loving option and we should all be so lucky to have it touch our life.

An angry adoptee - another title placed by the "roses and sunshine" adoption folks. The ones the wish they could kick under the rug. The voices they will do anything to discredit, ignore, or mock. The ones they wish would just shut up and go away or reform over to the "happy" adoptee side.

1. A happy adoptee is someone out of the fog who is trying to educate others on the TRUTH about adoption. We aren't mean and don't belittle others with different opinions because we're not threatened by that. We may have had difficult childhoods and have all dealt with loss but we are doing our best to come to terms with it, rather than stuffing those feelings down and reacting in a negative way.

2. An angry adoptee is actually the opposite of what most people think. The angriest adoptees on this board are the people who are shooting kool aid out of their veins and screaming loudly that they are happy. Okay! You're happy! Why do you have to scream it so loud if you are really happy? These angry people are so far in denial they belittle anyone who has a different opinion and constantly try to stir the pot because they feed off of drama. How do I know? When I came to YA! I was one of these "happy" angry adoptees. I was pretty nasty and concerned about the "bitterness" of other posters. But I was also pretty deep in denial and totally not plugged into my feelings at all.

3. How did adoptees get angry? Well, they are hurting, just like all of us are because we have lost our mothers, fathers, and an entire family and are told to be GRATEFUL for that. In any other situation with such a significant loss, the person would be told they need to grieve, to mourn their loss. In adoption loss we are told to be GLAD we lost our family and that we found a forever family. I love my "forever family" but they can't do anything to take the sting out of losing my natural family.

3.

Happy Adoptee: One who is in reunion or has had the opportunity to at least find their past.

Unhappy Adoptee: One who is upset by other adoptee's being in reunion or seeking their past.

How they got that way: The amount of acceptance toward what others demand adoption is........ or NOT......

What can be done: Mandatory Kool Aid, Silence anyone with a contrary opinion that adoption is anything but wholesome and good.

OR

Get the word out that there is an adoptee rights demonstration every year from here on out to bring to light that adoptees are not second class citizens and have every right to their OBC and they past.

Okay that was fun. Just wanted to post the opposite side of things.