Married couples or couples who live together. am I right to feel this way or is he right?

No, no, no, no. That is NOT the same thing. That's not even in the same ballpark as the same thing! You are absolutely RIGHT to feel the way that you do! Going shopping and getting your nails done are normal, everday things that healthy, stable people do. Getting drunk every single day and coming home sh!t-faced is harmful to him, you, your marriage, your family.

The fact that he's trying to turn it around on you has got to be infuriating you. My husband does that, too - not the drinking, but the turning things around on me.

What you need to do is lay down the law on him and let him know you mean business. Do this when he's sober - NOT drunk. Get in his face, show your fangs, and tell him "This coming home drunk every day has GOT to stop. You are going to completely wreck our life together if you don't."

And when he tries turning around on you by telling you it's the same as going shopping, you tell him not to even start that BS with you. Tell him that this is NOT about the fact that you do normal, day-to-day activities that normal, healthy people do - it is about the fact that he goes to a club and gets smashed EVERY SINGLE DAY and treats you like crap when he does decide to come home, and it's about the horrible example that he's setting for your daughter - would be be okay with it if she grew up and ended up like him? And would he like to add the fact that he always tries to make it about you to the sh!t list?

Give him an ultimatum. Tell him that either he stops going to that club and gets some help with his alcoholism or you and your daughter will walk out that door so fast his head will spin, and if he'd honestly rather have that ridiculous club over his own family, then so be it. Tell him it's up to him. Tell him that you want to stay married to him, that you love him and want to stick by him, but you won't sit around and be treated like the ol' ball and chain while your daughter watches her father come in every night tottering around like a drunken j@ckass. Tell him that you deserve better and your child certainly deserves better!

I know you've talked to him before, but you've got to let him know you mean business. The tone of your question tells me that you're unsure of yourself - BE sure. You ARE right about this. He IS an alcoholic, and that is NOT okay!

Wow... are we married to the same loser?

Um... is he right for what? for spending all of his time at a bar / club getting drunk... thats a big NO!!

I am in my own dilemma with my husbands alcohol use, so I understand your frustrations and the difficulty in arguing with an addict. They will use any avenue possible to revert the blame and responsibility back onto you... its a very manipulative game they play to justify their alcohol usage.

But the fact of the matter is he is not being a husband, flat out. He is not home, not spending time with you (sober), not communicating with you... and thats wrong in and of itself. It makes it even more wrong that he is drinking rather than doing these things. So the first problem to tackle here is his alcohol use... and the only way he is going to see that it is a problem is if you stop arguing with him, and let him fall down on his own to pick himself back up.

What I mean by that is, you can't show him his own problems... because he doesn't want to admit or see what an alcoholic and good for nothing he has become. So you need to back away and let him lose you and your kid in order for him to realize what he loses when he chooses not to come home and drink all day. That is, if he does in fact realize it...

But you need to take care of your child, and having an alcoholic father that is never home except to sleep and argue is very unhealthy for a child to see... so if not for you, then for your kid... you need to tell your husband that perhaps its better that he stays at a hotel or somewhere else for a while, since all he does is drink and do nothing to contribute to the home or be a husband then a hotel would better suit his lifestyle for now. If he refuses to leave, the you must leave. But you can't sit around and stay there, staying there means you are accepting this behavior... leaving means you are not accepting it.

Ok sweetheart first off, the simple fact that he compared his alchololism to your shopping sickens me. Let me tell you something, jsut becuase alchohal is legal people think it is almost better then recreational drugs, but it is an addiction in itself, and will ultimatley be the demise of your marriage. I am divorced, but a drug addiction is what ultimatley broke up my family. He has on blinders right now, and no amount of arguing is going to change that. If he has an addiction to alchohal the only person that can change that is going to have to be him. And I am sad to say from experiance, that it may come down to you leaving before he even realizes that he has a problem at all. I am so terribly sorry that you have to go through this crap, it is hard especially with a child involved. You can talk to him, but I am sorry to say he probably wont hear you. Girl, you are eventually going to make your own decisions about this, but understand, your daughter no matter how old she is can feel the tension, and fighting between the two of you, and believe it or not it does damage, it did to my son. Do what you need to do is right for you and your daughter, he probably wont be changing anytime soon. Live right and good things will happen in your life. Good luck

why are you trying to have a rational argument w/ an addict?

addicts justify their behavior to get what they want.

how is you having a manicure a few times a month or going out to lunch the same as him getting sh*tfaced everyday in his spare time?

how are you even questioning that as a valid comparison? has your idea of normal become so skewed from living w/ his addiction that you no longer recognize when something is unreasonable? (I'm not being rude. I'm trying to point out that you've become so used to his addiction that you are no longer a good judge of what is reasonable.)

Do yourself a favor and join Al-Anon. In case you aren't familiar w/ them, they are a group of spouses, friends, family, coworkers and other loved ones who are dealing with someone close to them who is an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Meetings are free. If there is an AA group in your area, there should be an Al-Anon group in your area.

Good Luck.

You are right, and if you want this marriage to work, you need some help. Professional. He needs rehab, and counselling for both of you. You are not asking anything unreasonable, but his activities are not okay. Not by a long shot.

Sounds to me like he needs a wake up call. What you should do is call the local authorities, and let them know that you think he will be driving drunk. The arrest just may wake him up.

He's justifying your confrontation by putting the whole blame on you. Typical of alcoholics. Do you ever go with him to this club. I bet if you did he may stop going. Could be he finds companionship in someone else that is there.

Be careful of your marriage...guys are stupid when another person shows interest of any kind in them.

Start making plans to do things together...sounds like both of your time is not spent together.

His citing your shopping as an excuse for his alcoholism is a typical deflection of an addict.

My advice is to leave the situation. Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way you dreamt it would.

MY precious second husband, a WW11 veteran, John Carl Thompson, didn't like the idea of a common law marriage, but we would have had barely anything to live on without my meager Social Security. I worked in the field of education and medicine for over 50 years ,but there were times I worked where there was no Social Security I lost John Carl Thompson on January 14,2014 and I have received no money. It is a scary situation.

Look into Al Anon. Think about it, he is comparing going to a bar and getting drunk everyday to an occasional lunch with a friend or shopping with your child. They aren't even close to being similar. Al Anon can probably help you clear your mind and start seeing things more clearly.

it sounds like you guys have a huge problem.

lack of communication.

he's thinking it's the same thing (you going out with friends or shopping) and him going out drinking).

that can turn REALLY bad... FAST.

make time for each other, confront him. if you're that important to him, then he'll listen.