How did your parents tell you that you were adopted and at what age?

I know other people are telling you to tell her but you really shouldn't. It's terrible that she doesn't know but it isn't your place to tell her... LEt her live happily in bliss rather than starting her depression, issues and anger at her adoptive family now.

My cousin actually got mad at me and told me when I was 5. When I asked my mom, she was very honest and told me about it. My adoption was a family adoption from my adoptive father's neice. She told me that she had picked me out because I was special.---Of course I informed my cousin of that and told her that her mama HAD to keep her while I was pick out! =) It seems like I have always known. And it is true that I am not much like my parents. But I am also not much like my birth parents. I am my own person. Personally, I think all adoptive kids should be told. By keeping it a secret, you make it appear like it is something to be ashamed of. But is is a beautiful gesture of love. BTW they later had 3 biological children and adopted another family member. I think I have the most wonderful parents in the world!

Tell her now. Shes already lived 20 years and doesn't know who her real parents are. Although she probably has amazing parents right now and her life is in stone they should give her the option of wanting to see her parents especially before they die. If you don't and she never sees her parents and she finds out later about them and really wants to find them but its too late because they died then i think they would feel really bad as the adopted parents.

Our son has always known. Starting with who was in that picture in his room to the photo album his bio mom made for us to the birth of his full bio sister overseas (who he has met and played with) to recent questions about why couldn't "Mary" keep me?

And it isn't the same thing AT ALL...but we adopted our lab from the shelter at 10 months too and he gets a kick out of her being adopted too.

It's part of life in our household.

RE: What should you do? I agree with everyone that she should know but I don't think you should be the one to do it. It might compromise you as a support when she does find out. (you know? Kill the messenger and all that). Can you talk to her adoptive parents and tell them you know...others know and it's just a matter of time before she finds out?

It's a squeaky situation. Wishing you all the best.

Never "told" any of my 12 adopted children. We just freely talk about from the moment they join the family. Adoption is just a part of life/nature for them. No different that any other part of who they are, or who we are.

I grew up knowing... if I hadn't, I would have figured it out. It's not real hard to distinguish which one of my a-parents children is their (only) biological child -- she looks, acts, and even thinks just like them.

We (the other three who are adopted) don't -- not even slightly. I am not the first adopted in my a-family, so my adoption was 'no big deal'... it was just a matter of fact.

I'm sick to my stomach that your family member has gone 20 years living a lie. Even more so that she now has a child who she has passed a 'genetic surprise grab bag' to and a husband who, in all reality, could be her biological relative. UGH!

What a mess! I don't know your relationship to your adopted "family member" but if you are one of her adoptive parents, then SHAME ON YOU... SHAME ON THEM, if you are not one of them.

If you are NOT one of her a-parents, I'm revolted by the knowledge that other family members know and she has not been told. It's so, so very wrong.

Tell her immediately. If you are one of her a-parents, expect to lose her trust -- possibly forever. Expect her unbridled anger (which you/they deserve) and DON'T expect her to ever forgive you/them. Keeping HER OWN life and truth from her is unforgivable.

Tell her today -- right NOW. At least give her the opportunity to search for them and possibly know the reality of her beginnings and genetic/health history. At least give her the chance to confront her adoptive parents before they die (if they haven't already). At least give her the truth. She deserved, and deserves, so much more than that but that may be all you have to give her -- GIVE IT... NOW.

For the record, the content and style of your question leads me to think you are not one of her a-parents. I'm most disgusted by them, because that was/is THEIR responsibility first and foremost. I still don't like that others in the family know and nobody has told her... that is so unkind and so wrong. She will likely want to know exactly who knew and exactly how long they knew without telling her -- that is if she speaks to anyone in the family after finding out. If you want to have even a chance of maintaining a relationship with her, be the one who has the courage to give her the truth. Be the one who decides that this GROWN WOMAN in your family should no longer be lied to as a child and kept in the dark as a second-class citizen.

That is... if you care about a relationship with her. I would guess that you do as you bothered to ask. Do the right thing... Immediately.

p.s. For your own knowledge, please 'google' the term "late discovery adoptee" and read up on how many of them feel about it and how she may likely feel about it and/or deal with it.

She needs to know, and she needs to know NOW - more especially if she has had a child as the medical profession will have a ton of incorrect medical information on what that child may be at risk of!

http://www.latediscovery.org/ may also be of help (to her).

Me? I've known all along, it was part of the "mommy, how did you have me?" story.

Sweet Mercy, TELL HER, or make sure her family does it NOW!

Please re-read BOTZ's answer thoroughly.

It is wrong and disgusting when a person's own information is kept from them.

Ugh, my heart is breaking for her right now. It is terrible that she didn't know from the beginning. This is going to be truly devastating.

My children will know every part of THEIR truth from moment one. Period. It's not mine to keep.

I was told very young. I do have a very odd memory of being told, but I couldn't have been older than four. It seems like I've always known. She should be told. Right now, before it gets any worse.

I always knew. It was always a part of my life and a part of my story. I can't ever remember a time where I didn't know I was adopted.

I don't know when my parents told me I was adopted, but i've known my whole life.