Parents...do you hate your teenager?..?

I raised 8 children, a combination of biological, step, and wards. I have two sons who were very difficult as teens, and they cost me a great deal of money and heartache, so I can understand your situation. However, I never felt hate for them. There were times I was scared silly for them and resented the financial and emotional cost as I had warned them what would occur if they didn't stop their destructive behaviors. The thing is that they were too young to truly understand the damage they were doing themselves, me, and the entire family.

They are older now, 23 and 21, and both understand now. They both thanked me for making them pick up their responsibilities.

What I mean is if they had appointments other than court they had to get themselves to those appointments or face the consequences of not doing so. I did not pick up after then around the house, did not do their laundry, did not nag them to do what they should do. What I did do was take their game consoles away, take their other favorite toys away, and did not buy them special treats or pay for them to go to the movies, or even buy them something extra that I bought the other children.

You cannot force your son to do anything. That is the first lesson you must learn. You also are not doing you son any favors by attempting to avoid the consequences of his behaviors. By driving an ungrateful child around, nagging him without doing anything to hold him accountable, you are actually teaching him how he can treat you.

You will find far more love for your son by holding him accountable.

I had to let my sons go to juvenile hall and eventually had to ask the judge to place one of my sons in a group home because he was so out of control he was a danger not only to himself but to others. I felt I had a duty and responsibility not only to my son but to society. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and my son was deeply angry with me for some time, but he turned out fine. I hate to think where he would be if I had not gotten tough on him.

Both of my boys have severe ADHD and I used to excuse their behavior believing it wasn't their fault. Boy was I wrong! By making excuses for their actions I was allowing them to bow out of personal responsibility for the choices they made. Yes, they have challenges "normal" children do not have, but like any disability it must be confronted head on and treated properly. A part of treating any poor behavior choices and attitudes is by allowing our children to feel the consequences of THEIR choices. Only then can they learn what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in our society. Our home environments are a part of society. If they can't act right at home they cannot act right out in the wider community.

It is hard by any stretch of the imagination, I will not lie to you and it takes practice. He will act out more before he gets better and he may have to spend time in jail which of course he will initially blame on you. However, the second lesson is that you are not at fault for his choices nor his consequences. It is never too late to get back on the right tract with our children. He may think he hates you for a while and accuse you of not loving him, but by getting tough with him you show him love. It takes a great deal of love to let our children fail.

He is nineteen years old now, if he abuses you he needs to find somewhere else to live. You must make it clear that you will not tolerate abuse. A few weeks sleeping on a friends couch will make him appreciate his home and his parent far more than any nagging you can do. Be sure to tell him that you love him, but you dislike his behavior and when he decides he can act decently to you he is welcome home. Until then he needs to get a taste of life without mommy taking care of his every need and desire.

Be sure to discuss this with his probation officer if he has one. You might be surprise how supportive they can be and a font of information on how to deal with this type of situation. I wish you the best with your child. Please take action before you allow this situation to taint your relationship for life.

Hi... going through this sort of thing with a drug addict/alcoholic isn't easy. Have you gotten help for YOU? Maybe it's something to consider.

I am a recovering alcoholic and know what it's all about -- i was also raised in an alcoholic home, so i've been on both sides of that fence.

You are within your rights to give your son conditions to live with you -- he should have chores to do, and should be helping around the house. I'm sure that, if he isn't working, he can't keep busy around the house all day long, but i think he needs a shove, and be forced to make an effort if he wants to live there.

If you don't enforce rules (which is stressful, i know) and expect him to make a contribution, then you are enabling his current behaviors.

I'd also like to say that people who become addicted to drugs and alcohol have a mental health or emotionally related issue. We normally start out drinking or drugging as an escape from our reality - it's a temporary fix to make us feel better. In doing this, we progress to addiction. So this might give you some idea of the difference between a social drinker and alcoholic.

Meanwhile, i hope you will consider some therapy or even attending Alanon or Open Narcotics Anonymous meetings for some relief and support with your own issues.

Taking care of YOU is also very important, and necessary. You've been through a lot.

It is very hard not to hate your teen in such a situation. I have a fifteen year old daughter who I loved very much from the time she was born. I can't help but to hate her now. I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I got a lot out of all the responses. Letting the universe teach them a lesson, I think is the best in such situation. Step away and not feel guilty.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Personally, I think it's time you had a little chat with your son and tell him in no uncertain terms that you feel you are being taken advantage of. You are proud that he's been sober for 4 months and he's making good changes, but he needs to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices you are making for him to continue down this path. He needs to take responsibility for himself - and that includes getting his azz off the couch and getting to his programs - at least one way. It is NOT your responsibility if he chooses not to go - it is HIS. It is NOT your responsibility to support him any longer - it is HIS. You don't need to throw him out - you need to make it clear that you will no longer tolerate him taking advantage of you. He is no longer a child - he is an adult - and he needs to realize that.

EDIT: Just remember the saying "no one can take advantage of you without your permission"... You are essentially giving him permission to walk all over you by not taking a stand against his behavior. You're being an enabler and until you put a stop to it, that behavior will continue.

sounds to me like your too nice to him. I know your his mom and that is just what moms do (; I treated my mom like crap sometimes around my teenage years, but as soon as i got out of the house and got a real job and bills i realized how hard it could be and what a big peice of crap i was. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you. I wish i had some advice on what to do, im sure you have already tried to make him clean. I would say, make a list of the chores you want him to do around the house. Make it an ultimadum, if he doesnt help he really does not care about you and kick his *** out. DON"T GIVE HIM MONEY, make him earn it by getting a job. i know you prob won't kick him out but i really don't know with this situation. good luck i hope you find a way to reach him (:

When my daughter was younger she got involved with an older man and started lying to me about her whereabouts. Life was very difficult in those days and many times i felt like i hated her. I practiced tough love and kicked her out. One of my sisters took her in and could not live with her. She then shared an apartment with a coworker while she was going to college. Eventually i asked her to come back because summer was coming and i did not like the neighborhood where she lived. As soon as she came back, i started looking into colleges and did not give her a choice. I shipped her to the first college that accepted her. She could not believe that she had dot go away. She finished college and move with one of my sisters out of town, she spent one year in Asia then spent almost two years with her father in another state. When she came back I still could not live with her. My sister in law and I found her an apartment, we furnished it and i presented her with the "fait accomplis" Today she is married and the mother of a newborn. Our relationship has improved, and we talk to each other almost every day.

You don't have to put up with the behavior from your son. Let him take public transportation to go to his meetings. He is old enough to take care of himself and since he has no respect for your rules don't feel guilty to let him go. A friend of mine is still taking care of her 30 year old son out of guilt and he is taking advantage of it. He has not been able to keep a job for more than 4 months at a time.

ya im a teenager too and i totally agree everyone in my school is so immature and impolite and down right rude they are all so retarted they think its cool too go get high and drink and the girls are all having sex and bragging to there friends ya i dont think thats funn and something to be proud of these guys in my class broke the damn vcr and think its the most hysterical thing in the world i find it so dumb they laugh at everything and then theres that whole clique thing like this one girl wont leave the other ones hip now everyones changing and becoming bulemic and crying over guys just so they would like them everyone in my school is like that we cant even wear purses to school cause this one girl had pics of a guys thing on her phone and had condoms in her purse teens should seriously grow up and act there age although i love watching true life on mtv lol

kick him out the house for 2 months. When he comes back, we will be cleaning and stuff

Did you ever drink in front or around him?

Did you ever smoke weed or party?

Then do not complain about his behavior if you did.

Did you set the example you wanted him to follow?

Did you shack with this guy and that guy?

Did you discipline him when he needed it?

First you answer those questions honestly.If you failed in those areas,you apologize to him for it,and then,

Start with the tough love again and keep it up,because from the sounds of it ,lack of discipline is one of his problems.

Tell him he has a month to get it together or he goes to a homeless shelter.

he's an adult let him take care of himself, its your house your rules if he can't respect that he can leave, don't feel guilty whatever he decides to do with his life is his choice not yours