Adoptees- how would you have reacted if your adoptive parents....?

My parents helped a lot. But not in any sort of domineering or facilitating way.

Money was tight at the time so they helped me financially by covering the agency's registration fee (which they have always told me they would do as they never felt like that was something I should be responsible for) and helped me pay for the therapy that I wanted to do during the process.

They talked with me about it when I wanted to talk. They backed off when I didn't.

They read the books and information that I shared with them and talked about it with me.

They celebrated with me when I was happy. They comforted me when I was sad. They supported me when I was angry.

They drove up to the city where the reunion happened to be there for me and then stayed back at the hotel because I felt more comfortable going to the first meeting on my own.

They woke up and celebrated with me when I came back to the hotel at 2 am and started bouncing on their bed and telling them all about how it went.

Basically, they were really supportive and helped when I asked for it but never pushed themselves into any situation that they weren't invited into.

I'll speak re: my own reunion and in general transracial adoption since I am not knowledgeable about domestic adoptees. What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification? I think they should be supportive and understanding. They obviously can't understand all the emotions associated but should give their adult adoptee some space to process the transition. Is this age dependant? Depends on the adoption circumstances and the age of the adoptee. Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react? I definitely included them. I needed their support because I wasn't sure how to contact a "ghost family" from the opposite side of the globe. First parents, did you want to meet the adoptive parents when your children found you? Mine do. Whether or not it actually happens 2, 5, or 10 years from now... can't say. When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you? At first I thought it would be better that way. But then, as time went on and it became clear how difficult the barrier was and the visitation arrangements (plus the travel costs), we decided that I'd go [with a bilingual acquaintance] back and see them - learn the lifestyle, get an idea of how things worked over there and that way I'd be more prepared for future trips. I'd have a lot to deal with, let alone trying to "bridge" the gap between both sets of parents. Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it? I'm a TRA so the legality age didn't have anything to do with my decision. It was mainly my graduation which inspired me to "search." It took me another 3 years to gather the courage to head overseas. If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it? My first parents? Do you mean my adoptive parents? If so - they completely understood and thought it would be best if I figured things out on my own and got a good impression of the lifestyle and how my survival language skills would assist me before returning to "bridge" the gap. Did they help you search? Yep. How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted? They still want to meet. Maybe in the future it'll definitely be possible, but for now, who knows what would happen. Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself? It was best to go solo, yes. The moment I stepped off the plane, my stomach was a mixture of excitement and dread. Then to my surprise, my father and sibling had already arrived and were walking throughout the airport terminal to find me. I could not communicate and my acquaintance had to take over from that point. I was so frightened that I honestly just wanted to crawl back into the airport and cry. I didn't know what to say or what I would do. Then, after about an extremely awkward 45 minutes in the car, my acquaintance was dropped off at her relative's house and reality hit me like a brick wall. The only reason I didn't succumb into a human waterfall is because I didn't want to make things any more awkward than they already were, and I didn't want to make them panic. Also, I was trying desperately to pull myself together because I obviously couldn't crawl back into the airport and return to Canada - I had to DO something and get my survival skills ready. Once I got into their residence the fear almost completely dissipated. If you had both sets there, what happened? N/A

My adoptive mom realized when I was about 13 that the adoption experience had resulted in some pretty serious problems for me. Her family background was horrible. Sexual abuse, neglect, etc. She knows from personal experience the importance of addressing issues related to early childhood trauma. Although she tried to talk to me about it at the time, but by that point I didn't want to admit to myself that I had adoption related problems.

When I turned 18, she asked me if I wanted to find my first mother. At the time I didn't, but she made it clear that both she and my adoptive father fully supported me in doing so when I felt the time was right. When I was 20, I asked her to help me search. When we finally found my natural mother's contact information, I had her call my biological grandmother because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Things worked out well that way. I guess it depends on the people involved whether adoptive parent involvement is a good thing. My a-mom's personal life experiences have made her very intuitive about emotional issues. She knows when to help and when to back off. Honestly, she's my best female friend (husband is my best male friend).

There are some a-parents, however, that I'd cringe to have help with a reunion. My a-dad is an amazing man but he doesn't understand a lot of the emotions involved. I don't tell him about my more negative emotions. To him, I'm his little girl and that's it. In a way, him feeling this way makes me feel pretty good. Maybe we expect different things from our fathers than from our mothers.

My APs were totally against me ever looking for, much less finding my first mom. My amom and I had more than one fight about it and I was called an ungrateful brat for wanting to search.

I was put on the world's biggest guilt trip by my amom "after all we have done for you, how can you even THINK of wanting to find THAT woman. I am the one who was here for you, she ran off and left you"

When I DID find my first mom, my amom treated me like crap if I mentioned that I had talked to her. One time when I was in need of a mother and turned to my first mom instead of my amom, my amom disowned me and did some other very hurtful things which caused a rift in the family and she wouldn't even speak to me for almost a year.

I wish my amom would have wanted to help me search, or at least have been supportive. When I was searching, and I hit a brick wall, I had to hide my disapointment because my amom would have made it worse had she known I was searching.

Personally, I think it is a great thing for aparents to offer to help in the search. If the adoptee feels that they would rather do it on their own, then the aparents should respect that and back off.

On a similar note, I watched The Locator last night and the amom had kept ascrap book for the first mom all thru the boy's life. I thought that was pretty cool.

My parents didn't help me, but didn't hinder me either. They didn't have much information about me and, as it turned out, some of what they were told was wrong.

Our (adopted) daughter already knows her family since she was a teenager when she became part of our family. I have never tried to discourage her from maintaining contact with them. Her mother was very neglectful and abusive to her (which is how she lost custody of her) but since then has turned her life around and is doing much better. They now have a positive relationship and I couldn't be happier about it.

My parents only concern for me as I searched for my biological family was that I'd get hurt if they rejected contact. They didn't, so that worked out well.

"Facilitate"? Um... no.

Helping me find? That would have been nice, actually.

Seeking counseling "for [me] and [herself]" BEFORE there is a reunion? Screw that. Especially if she/they would somehow *delay* the reunion to do the counseling.

I have mixed feelings because, while I would have appreciated some ACKNOWLEDGMENT that searching was 'normal' and my wanting it was natural, and while them giving me information and supporting my requests to the agency to release my info to me would have been great, them wanting to have an active role or be the 'drivers', if you will, of my reunion would have destroyed ANY relationship (small/thin though it may have been) we had left.

My reunion is about ME, MY natural family members and... that's it. Every relationship is between two people. When someone attempts to 'triangulate' the relationship, it always screws things up -- ALWAYS.

"Did your ap's do this?"

No.

"If you are in reunion, what role did your ap's have, if any?"

None whatsoever.

"If they were not involved, was it your decision, or theirs? Why or why not?"

It was mine. THEY decided not to be involved when I would have let them be involved -- up until I was about 23 or so. After that, and repeated 'lip service' with absolutely NO action on their part, I continued searching without even telling them. I stopped asking for their help after that.

By the time my mom found my posting on a search site and contacted me, I hadn't discussed her at all with my APs for many years. When I went to meet her (10 months into our reunion) I told them the day before I left. They knew I was in contact with her (because I told them) but the rest, which they did ask about from time to time, was none of their business and I told them that.

I did not include them in my reunion because it has nothing to do with them AND because they were not willing to help me when I asked for, and needed, their help.

Remember the story of the Grasshopper and the Ants? My parents did not DESERVE to have the pleasure, the benefit, of my mother's acquaintance when they couldn't be bothered to help me find her. They did not DESERVE to share my joy when they spent all MY life telling me how much they had done for me, how she probably didn't want me 'intruding' in her life, and how I "shouldn't" need anything more than them. They did NONE of the 'work' in my reunion... they did not deserve the 'reward' of MY work.

As a side note, my mom asked me NOT to give them her "real" email address, her street address, or her phone number... but she gave them all to me. I was neither surprised nor upset. (She did create a 'fake' email -- for use only by them -- that didn't contain any personal information or connect the userid to her real life. That's more than I would have done if I were in her place.)

Take care~

I know you asked adoptees but I am interested in the answers to your question. Plus, I am the person who said, "I will seek counseling for myself and my child before there is a reunion."

So, I wanted to comment.

My son has always known that he was adopted as a baby. I know that I am doing a good job raising an emotionally balanced child, but as he gets older, he will either close up, or have tons more questions and exhibit a need to meet with his biological family. Which, we've already talked about... granted he's almost 5 now.

Our last conversation regarding this issue came up when we were discussing him learning letters at pre-school. He was telling me all the letters he practiced and he added that he did a "V" for "my birthmothers name."

I let him know that I was proud of him for thinking of her, too and I think she'd be happy that he thought of her. He said, "I miss her," which was not the first time he has mentioned this. I told him that I know, and that's a normal feeling and it will be really nice when he gets to see her again. (His mother gave him up when he was days old.)

Out of curiosity, I asked him if he'd want me there when he sees her. He said "yes." I told him that when the time comes, he'll have to tell me when he is older, again, if he wants me there with him because he could change his mind later, but I told him that I'd be where ever he wanted me to be.

And he asked, "That's why I need to learn Spanish, so I can talk to her? I said yep. He said, "de nada" and smiled... because he remembered a little phrase. Then, we went on to discuss the rest of his day...

I want to be a positive influence in his life. In my mind, I visualize his biological mother hugging him and telling him how much she loves and misses him and him being happy to see her. But, in reality, it could go very differently.

My son will need counseling for this reason, and I as his Mommy need to be able to support him and keep myself emotionally balanced to be able to do so.

That's my reason for the counselling. I look forward to adoptees' input as well.

ETA: I believe my son IS my business, his health is my business... whether it be emotional or physical. I want him to be a strong, healthy, independant, and successful adult. As an adult, he can tell me when he wants me to be involved or not... there will be many things like that, where it WILL be none of my business, if he gets married, his career, etc. But while he is a child, he's my responsibility. I am the Mommy who is raising him.

My sons aps offered to help him search but he didn't tell them he was searching. He would never have said anything if it hadn't been for him living with us and us tearing our hair out trying to deal with the way he was treating us. This was almost four years into reunion and they were more upset that he hadn't told them. There has been little involvement particularly since he moved out although we did go out for a meal with them and son a few months ago.

my opinion is that if they have info they should share it. the search is not about them or their parenting skills, so if there is any info they have about the bio family they should give it up.

my aps did not help in my search. they gave me the little they had and told me what the case worker said (lies by the way. it was all lies) and basically sulked about it for a few years. they got over it, once they faced that it was not a personal attack at them, it was for me. and only me.

my reunion was completely my decision, i did it on my own. i didnt exclude them, i told them what i was doing, but when i saw that it upset them, i just let it go.

now...things are very different. they have met my bmom twice and are planning on making it a yearly event. quite the turn around from a few short years ago.

While my aparents didn't help out with the searching, they did give me as much information as they could remember whenever I raised the subject, which to me is as much 'facilitation' as was needed. I'm glad that they didn't push the searching for me as it was something I needed to do at my own speed, and within my own time-frame - that said, had they knew where my bfamily were and withheld that information, I would've been deeply hurt by that.

I'm not sure what I think of the getting counselling before searching tbh, as the only experience I've had with counselling was a resounding and dismal failure (I'm pagan because I'm being rebellious, and I'm polyam. because I like being walked over - apparently!). I don't know that either myself nor my aparents would have got much out of the average counselling that goes on due to the way we were all raised, but that doesn't mean that I think counselling would be useless for everyone.