Question for BSE adoptees?

I never hid my search from my adoptive family, but I never shared a great deal of information with them either unless I was asked.

I consider my search and any contact with my family of origin to be my own business. I don't share details on all my relationships with my adoptive family, so why should a reunion relationship be any different?

I think it's absurd that nonadopted people constantly ask adoptees , "What do your adoptive parents think about your search?"

When nonadopted people ask me questions like that, I want to ask them, "What do your parents think about your relationships?"

I don't have a relationship with first mother at her choice, but if I did I would keep the two families separate out of pure self-preservation. I have my own adoption issues to deal with, and I'd be too prone to caretaking both of my mother's emotions out of adoptee habit.

My personal belief is that families of origin and adoptive families should be kept separate but NOT secret, too many emotional landmines. They're all adults; if they want relationships with each other, they should do it on their own terms.

I don't think adoptees should caretake their adoptive parent's emotions, but at the same time nor should they keep their relationship with their families of origin a secret. For anyone (adoptee or mother) to keep a person a secret implies they are ashamed and, quite frankly, is a crappy thing to do to another human being.

Of course there are exceptions, like if an adoptive parent is insecure, narcissistic and manipulative. In that case then I'd advise not mentioning it at all, as I've heard stories of outright reunion sabotage on the part of the AP.

I am an AP. Interesting question!

Although my children were adopted from foster care and therefore "closed" I worked hard to find the bparents on my own! I make sure that we have contact information at all times.

No these was not "open" adoptions, but we still believe that the Bfamily is our family now too.

I guess what I am saying is this:

IF MY CHILD WERE EVER IN THIS SITUATION, THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE TO CHOOSE!

We have not replaced the orginal parents, we have just added more family members!

My (adoptive) mom was very supportive and excited for me. My two mothers have actually exchanged letters. (They don't live anywhere near one another.)

My (adoptive) dad was a bit more subdued. (He and my a-mom have always had a bit of a competition between them for the love of their children, and I think he was worried about sharing me with even more people. Or maybe he's just reserved.)

I am pretty uncomfortable with different worlds mixing. I rarely brought friends home. I don't socialize with co-workers. Stuff like that. So I'm happy to keep my adoptive and my first families separate. Truthfully, neither family has showed much curiosity about the other.

I didn't tell my parents I was searching. My kids and husband and close friends knew. I have always felt that issues of "loyalty" to my adoptive family kept me from searching so, when I did search, it just seemed easier to do to leave them out of it and not have to justify what I was doing. Searching felt so personal to me, I kind of felt like it was a road I wanted to travel alone.

I have told them that I found my natural family. They were mostly supportive. though I could tell it was, in some ways, my mom's worst nightmare. She said the "right" things and I appreciate that. I never expected her to embrace the experience, even though I did feel I wanted her blessing. She gave it as sincerely as she could. She knows we have ongoing contact but she never asks about it. She doesn't want to know, and that's ok.

I have not told her or my dad the extent of my relationship with my first mother. We have become very close and I'm going to visit her this month. I know the knowledge of this would be tough on my mom and I have no interest in parading this new relationship in front of her. I think it would be hard on her. This really is not about my adoptive family at all and I don't feel that they need to be part of this. I'm focussing on learning about myself and getting to know this family- I want to go through the process without having to continually justify why I am doing it....without worrying how everyone else in my adoptive family feels.

As far as blending. No, I don't see it right now. But realistically, it may need to happen at some point. I think about future events like my kid's weddings and such...I'm just going to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Not all adoptees from the BSE years (have they /really/ ended?) who were in closed adoptions were BSed.

My mom gets told the basics, but doesn't want to know too much, and certainly wants nothing at all to do with my bmom.

I'm not still searching (found 'em last month) but I think I still need to keep them mainly separate. My amom wants nothing to do with my bmom, and my bdad wants nothing to do with my bmom either. I think the only people that actually give a toss about my bmom is those of us who're her kids - and I don't think any of us really like her that much, even if we can't help but love her 'cause she's our mom.

My mom was entirely supportive, and gave me as much information as she could remember. Don't think any other factors influenced it.

I am in reunion, going on 5 years now with mom, and I don't 'share' my reunion (per se) with my adoptive family.

I DO share with my adopted sister -- the younger sister I mention frequently. SHE is friends with my mom and siblings -- on facebook and IRL -- and they get along famously. I am also working, nearly constantly, to help her have her own reunion.

My sister was *perfectly* receptive. I wanted to search, and was determined to FIND, before she was even born so my searching was a fact of her life.

The rest of my a-family... oy. My oldest/only brother (also adopted) seemed jealous. Even though he is more than 6 years older than I am, he didn't search until after I found. He found a couple of years ago. He doesn't ask about my reunion and doesn't share his with me (or with the APs, according to what THEY have told me). I know exactly two things about his mother -- she is alive and what state she lives in.

There is no relationship between me and "golden girl" (APs only bio-child) and I don't have any idea if she knows about my reunion. I would ASSUME she does, because the APs know, but that's just my assumption.

My APs have been aware I would search for as long as I can remember. I know I first spoke of it at or around age 7. I became adamant at age 10 and snooped through their things for my adoption information when I was 14. (Found it, too. All non-identifying, of course.)

They did pay it some 'lip service' over the years but never lifted a single finger to help me -- ever. They even tried to talk me out of it several times, saying things like, "wait until you're out of school (college)" and "wait until you're married and have your own family". UGH!

I never asked them how they felt about it. I didn't care and they knew it.

It was always my intention to keep the families separated. I had NO objection whatsoever from my natural parents. My mother even requested that I *NOT* give my APs her 'regular' email address, her home address or phone number, or the web address of her *family* website (which I am included in). She did, however, set up an alternate email addy in case they wanted to write her. Both sets of parents (or, I should say, all three sets) know the names of the others. Ironically, they ALL have very common, ordinary names (at least last names). My APs also know (with her blessing) what state my mom now lives in. They don't know that for my dad. As they are a full generation older (well into their 70s), and not at all 'tech-savvy', my APs would not have the first clue how to 'find' someone with just a name.

My APs were not supportive at all. At least if you mean REAL support. I mean, not even in terms of kindness, encouragement, etc. let alone any actual help. They tried (with no success) to dissuade me, discourage me, play the 'victim' and/or 'loyalty' card... all to no avail. The word I would use to describe their position in the matter is 'resigned'. They knew it would happen. They knew they had no say, nor any part, in it.

Other factors *did* influence my decision but the more they (APs) resisted, and the more flack I got from the agency, the MORE determined I was and all the more focused and persistent.

There were NO factors that caused me to pause, hesitate or re-think. I DID think about my natural parents' feelings and I DID wonder how my 'showing up' would affect them. I *KNEW* deep in my core, and for my entire life, that my mom would welcome me with open arms and was *waiting* for me -- I absolutely knew it. I was right.

I wasn't so sure about my dad but I did proceed with extreme caution and had concluded long before I even knew his name (which my mother gave me) that I would contact HIM only, and never reveal 'what' I was (his daughter) to ANYONE but him, directly. It helped when my mother assured me that he did know he had a child 'out there' (she wasn't sure he knew my gender) and that he was, unequivocally, the ONLY person who could be my father.

Those factors, and other, influenced *how* I proceeded. That I would proceed was never a question -- not for me, anyway.

I found that sharing my reunion experiences with my N Mom & Dad with my a parents to be a lot like talking about my adoption- it makes them uncomfortable.

They've never made me feel bad, and they knew it was something I would do ,because I talked about it from the time I learned I was adopted, lol- which was as a toddler, but I knew they were not thrilled about it.

I have to believe their reactions are not from a selfish point of view, but due to being brainwashed by Catholic Scarities all those years. After all, they were told "if they loved me enough, I would never want to find my natural family".

In the beginning, it made me sad that they were somehow threatened, but over time, they are ok. They know that I love them and are happy that I have the capability to love BOTH of my families.

I do not share a lot of things with them when it comes to my f parents, because I know it bothers them. My ap's are 74, and my dad's health is declining, so I just don't talk about it much. I can tell it still makes them a bit uncomfortable, so I just don't talk about it. Its just not worth upsetting them, especially since my dad's mental skills are somewhat diminishing.

I do, however, share a lot of things about my n siblings with them- my ap's just recently met one of my n brothers and his wife & children. They are ok with that- I guess it is less threatening to them? It was nice to see my parents interacting with a natural family member of mine. They could see, with their own eyes, me- in the face of my brother, and my children, in the faces of his children. It was also great for them to see that being around my natural family is , well, natural for me...and that I dont love them any less because of it.

If my ap's would have been "nasty" about me searching, I just would not have told them about it. My reunion was and is about me, not them. If they did not accept that, I would have a pretty difficult time with that, and I think it would have destroyed my relationship with them (my ap's) had they taken on that attitude.