Why is the birthmother not abiding by the semi-open adoption agreement?

Without knowing her I can only guess that she is finding this very hard and the longer it goes on without her contacting you the harder it will be for her. Also without knowing what you write it's hard to suggest ideas. So working blind on this persevere as she hasn't said she doesn't want to hear from you and maybe gently tell her it would be lovely to receive a 'newsy' letter from her. Hope this helps a bit.

Hi LC,

I suspect the answer may lie with one or some combination of these reasons:

1) As the others suggested, it is the very rare mother who does not experience great pain from the loss of her child even if it was something she was led to believe she thought was best at the time. She may still be processing how to best respond. She may have moved. Or something could have happened to her or a family member, i.e. sickness, hospitalization, death, etc.

2) It's possible your correspondence is not reaching her. As unbelievable as it may sound, some agencies really do not have genetic connections & reunions high on their priority lists. Would not be at all surprised if your items (and hers) ended up in their trash bin. That is routine, unspoken policy in some agencies, regardless of what they tell the other parties. (Something similar happened to my family too.) She could be sitting at home wondering why YOU never responded to HER letters she sent to YOU. Don't assume she received anything unless you have personally talked to her.

Adoptive parents who see the value in maintaining genetic connections for the children they adopted, should really try to directly facilitate communication rather than relying upon any 3rd party to do this for them. Assuming the child is not in danger of being abused by their first family, all adoptions should be open for the best interests of the child. Honesty is always the best policy!

As for what to do - continue to send pictures & letters. Keep an EXTRA copy of everything you send out in your own scrapbook too. That way there is an extra record of all the efforts you put forth in case the sent copies "get lost" over the years. You will still have something to share with your child & his/her first parents should they reunite later. If possible, see if your 3rd party will contact the other family to state you are open to direct contact whenever they are ready. There's no guarantee that will work since it was not set up to be open in the first place. It couldn't hurt to try. That way you can eliminate the middleman and assure that your child has connections to his/her roots. Your child will later appreciate those efforts more than being told that it was a "semi-open adoption that didn't work." Adoption may not seem like an important issue to your child now. Someday it will be & there is much you can do to influence what type of experience it will be for them. Good luck,

julie j

reunited adult adoptee

Keep sending stuff. Your child is going to want to know everything (adoption, about his mother, etc.) and you need to be able to truthfully tell your child that you kept your part of the bargain. Don't ever let that child see that you didn't do what you could have done to make his life as easy as possible (now and when he's older). She is a part of his life and he will ask about what you did to look out for his best interest. If she doesn't write back, that is something she will have to acknowledge (why?) in the future. I'm not telling you to be manipulative but adopted children have enough to deal with without having adopting parents trying to ruin a relationship they may have with the birth family later.

First, she is not "the birthmother", she is a mother and you happen to be raising her child for whatever reason. She is a person who feels, a human being.

Secondly, who knows how she feels about the adoption? Perhaps she is trying to block it out and get on with her life because it is so painful? I don't know about the reasons that led her to feel she was unable to parent HER child but I would say her lack of communication is not reason to just cut her off. Have you ever actually tried to ask her gently if there was anything she wanted to send her child? Just a little something so there was something to show her child later down the track.

Yes, I know you adopted him/her which makes you this child's legal parents now, but she will always be his/her mother as well and therefore needs respect as such. Even if for her own reasons she cannot face the situation right now.

I would say just continue sending letters and photos... and see what happens. At least them you can say you have done the right thing and upheld your end of the bargain.

An educated guess: The mother of your adopted child is going through an extended period of grieving over the loss of her child. Some research indicates that open or semi-open adoptions are more difficult for the mother to process than are closed adoptions. (One of those little details the adoption agencies don't tell birth mothers.) She may be in the denial phase of her grieving and even thinking about her child is too painful to bear. Or she may be in the anger phase, but is choosing not to direct that anger and pain toward you.

I would suggest that you continue as agreed and set your expectations accordingly.

Maybe it's harder for her then she thought it was, i'd just verify your sending things to the correct place and keep up your end of the deal and continue sending things, if you plan on someday letting the kid and birthmom meet someday you can talk about her as a person who lives away and then when she comes or sends something then it will be explained and the kid will "know" who it's from. Its a good thing for u to keep the birthmom updated..

Without speaking to her I can't say, but I would guess it has something to do with the depression that sets in in many cases for a mother who loses a child to adoption - even an open one.

Can't you ask her in a card or letter? Is there an agency involved that you could discreetly ask them if they've heard from her and whether everything is ok?

It could be she's still trying to get her life back on track emotionally... whatever you do - don't stop sending cards, pics etc. Just be consistent and keep your part of the bargain... at some point hopefully she'll come around.

Maybe she moved house or met someone new and doesn't want to face telling them or she started a new family and wants to move on. But can you imagine what a biological mother is meant to say in a letter to a child that she's no longer legally related too? or what photos they might send? I can't.

I think a lot of women see semi open as an option when they consider an adoption they're not totally 100% with (and who is?) but really it must just suck. After a while I imagine it can feel like a taunt seeing pictures of a child who you had to give up, especially if your circumstances have changed or you have some regrets and what updates would you write other than to say you wish you hadn't given them away?

Isn't there an agency that can contact her? At least if you know she's out of the agreement you can stop sending things.

Only she can answer that question and it could run the gambit from "she doesn't want to" to "she's unable to because of (insert reason here)". The bottom line is that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to but, like you, I'd be at a loss to understand it although I'm not in her shoes.

I know that when we adopted our daughter we signed up for our Provincial post adoption registry which allows us to send pictures, letters and small things to the birth parents and they can in turn do the same to us if they wish. We've been registered since Day 1 however they have never bothered even though they were provided the papers as part of the court process AND provided with them by the social worker. They refused to sign at that time saying "she would think about it". They have also not enrolled for any of their previous 8 children who were also apprehended and placed for adoption. Why? Again, only they can answer it and I'm not in a position to understand why not.

write and request at least a birthday card for the child