How much care do adult children owe old parents?

I speak from the perspective of both an adult child of aging, dependent parents, as well as a nurse who has managed ALFs for over a decade. Let me preface that this is strictly opinion, and is based solely on the information given here, but it sounds as though "Pops" is being selfish and manipulative. In his defense, assisted living/nursing home care is scary, as so many seniors view it as the last stop before they die. While I understand an adult child wanting to honor and care for their parents, it's particularly hard when the child/parent relationship has been strained or non-existent. Now, you bring those troubled dynamics into a marriage, and it's asking for nothing but trouble.

My suggestion -- Contact Pop's doctor and request a order for a home health psych & social work consult. Let the doctor know that you are considering placing Pops in an ALF and need some professional help and guidance. Home health visits are covered under Medicare. The psych nurse can act as a liaison with the doc to help determine if he might need some meds to help him over the depression, etc. The social worker is skilled in evaluating seniors for placement options, and can help both you AND Pops discover the best options.

IN THE MEANTIME, start researching facilities near you. Ask lots of questions, pop in unannounced at "off" times (after dinner, weekends) to get a real feel for the level of activity and attentiveness of the staff. So many times, the adult children are in a position that they have to find something NOW...and they're left with fewer options than that might otherwise. Get your options lined up, while it's still an option and not a crisis.

Good luck.

Bob's first priority in this situation should be his marriage. Obviously, based on what you've stated here, Pops staying with Bob & wife is not an option. Bob may want that, but obviously, his wife is not willing or able to provide that care. A compromise must be made.

Respecting and honoring our parents (setting aside whether Pops actually qualifies as one) does not mean doing whatever they want or allowing them to manipulate us through guilt or childish behavior. Bob & wife should investigate nearby assisted-living situations and select a couple that would be affordable options for Pops to choose from. This way, Bob can let Pops know he'll be coming by to see him every Wednesday night and bring him to the house for Sunday dinner or whatever - and Pops is in a safe environment with the care he requires.

Many older people resist going to assisted living out of fear. Once they are there, many find the security of not having to worry about things like falling when they're alone to be a comfort. Most places also have great planned social activities and opportunities to stay active and engaged, which helps stave off dementia and keep people healthy longer. Once he's there Pops may find that he actually comes to enjoy it!

If Pops refuses to move to assisted-living then Bob needs to make it clear that he cannot stay with Bob & wife and stick to that. Period.

I believe the children should do what they can for their parents before putting them in a nursing home.

My wife's grandfather was put in one and you could tell how unhappy he was in their when we went to visit. We lived about 100 miles away and visited more than her 2 sisters that lived in the same town.

Her father has a wife that does not work and could have easily cared for him.

He did not need constant medical attention.

If constant medical attention IS needed then I understand the need for assisted living.

But, if only minor medical attention is needed, why not a nurse that visits everyday?

I did a little research, because I was curious and found that the expense was about the same if not a little less expensive, depending on the needs.

They also had no money problems, and with could have had some government assistance that they failed to use.

He passed away after more than 10 years in a nursing home, and I feel that he would have had a longer life if he was not in a place that he did not want to be.

They say the happier you are the longer you live.

Put the father in assisted living. If they have the money to afford it then he can get a nice set up. There will be activities and friends. Visit him a lot at first until he starts getting involved. Let him know if he starts threatening suicide there then he may get moved to a more heavily monitored home with less to do. It's no different than telling an adult child it is time to get out on their own.

I am definitely on the wife's side. It is not her responsibility to care for her husband's father. Also, she needs to understand the same goes for her parents.

This is a matter more and more families will face with divorce as rampant as it is. However I wonder if you have a dog in this fight? I mean philosophy aside, what business of yours is this? Ultimately they will have to deal with this as a family. The bible says to honor your father and mother. It doesn't say anything about conditions. However getting some help for this father AND distraught wife should be a priority for the husband. Perhaps a social worker could be consulted and a solution worked out to everyone's satisfaction.

Sorry but your husband is a doormat. He needs to STOP child support is child support and he shouldn't be doing all this extra some extra is acceptable but this amount is outta control. Is he going to keep supporting her after there are no children left? I mean gee she will get less on her tax return when she has nobody to claim! That is ridiculous. Your husband should claim them when he is supposed to and YES shockingly it will make her tax return less duh. Keep that extra money and quit giving it to her. As for college he should if he CAN pay for a 1/3 the kid should be responsible for 1/3 and the mother for 1/3. I know it's insane but some children of even married couples are 100% responsible for their own college. So if you can help you do if you can't you don't it's that easy.

If "Pops" has dementia, it's in his own best interest for him to be in assisted living. Even if Bob's wife was a saint, she still wouldn't be able to provide him with the care he needs. People with dementia require skilled care to prevent them from endangering themselves.

Your father needs to be in Assisted Living. Investigate places near your home and set up appointments (with or without your father.) Then TELL him he is moving and you will be nearby and will visit him regularly.

This same thing happened with my father-in-law. He was afraid to go to assisted living. We moved him there because of dementia. In one week, he had made many friends and was quite happy there. We hardly ever heard from him.

When we visited him, he was always in the lounge with his new friends and didn't really want us to take him anywhere. :)

Move your father. He's just scared.

personally, i get both sides, but i tend to agree with the husband.