Should adoptees feel "proud"?

Is my breakfast cereal supposed to be "proud" that I purchased it? Seriously?

I had no hand in the 'act' that was my adoption... all I can be proud of is surviving, standing up in the face of abuse, protecting my little sister, getting away and managing to be a fairly normal, well-educated, non-psychopath IN SPITE of my status as an adoptee and my childhood of abuse.

In reality -- and I didn't see this touched on in the other answers -- I am quite ashamed of who I turned out to be when confronted (within myself, only) with the life that my natural parents and siblings have led, the things they have achieved and the positive impact they have on the world. I am pitifully under-accomplished by comparison and it is a bitter pill to swallow that my supposed 'better life' has brought me to such an ugly self-concept. My family doesn't flaunt anything... they aren't doing the comparing... I am. When I look at my younger (natural) sister -- the person with whom I share the most common 'raw materials', so to speak -- and see all that she has done, all that she is doing... what an amazing service she does to our family, her community... even the nation... it makes me ache inside. I had no encouragement. I had no opportunity. (<-- As a child and young adult... within my adoptive family, I mean.)

Aside from the confusion of growing up in such a strange place and family... and not fitting in... and the abuse... I was not taught things... shown things... given opportunities... encouraged to learn, question and explore. I was told that "children should be seen and not heard". I was told (often) that I was "too big for my britches" and I better "get some humility and fast". In reality, I was much, much more intelligent that any person in my adoptive family and they didn't know what to do with me. In fact, they didn't even know I was 'gifted' because they weren't... and had never experienced or expected a 'gifted' child. They stifled me. They crushed my ambition. They crushed my soul.

At least I have the bittersweet chance, now in my late 30s, to witness (via my sister) what I might have been able to do... given the right environment.

Please understand... I'm pretty proud of what I have actually accomplished, given my circumstances.

I do feel an immense amount of self-imposed shame when I am surrounded by my natural family. They are loving and kind, they accept me unconditionally, they are *mine*. It's still obvious, however, that I am sorely lacking in every imaginable 'category' when we are together.

Adoption has caused me to "not fit in" in two worlds... the only two I have.

I am deeply ashamed of my adoptive parents. I thank god every day that they have such a common name that I don't have to 'claim' them publicly. I would be horrified to endure a daily reminder that we are 'connected' -- albeit only on paper -- in any way. I would not voluntarily choose to associate myself with them.

Adoption is an event AND a condition. It just 'is'. I am neither proud nor ashamed of my adoptee-ness. My pride and shame are in accomplishments and the lack thereof. In my associations with people who I am naturally, genetically connected to and who I choose to love; and people I was randomly 'linked' to by humans... inherently fallible, commercially greedy humans... and who hurt me in ways that will affect me forever.

I don't have any ideas if my APs 'expected' me to be proud that I am adopted. I don't care.

Actually no, not all APs do get training, and even for those who have had training, being a parent is something that's never the same twice, and so no amount of training in the world is always gonna make it go 'right' all the time - and even more so in the case of APs as they're already at a disadvantage because they don't have the same genetic clues from the adoptee as they'd have (and give to) their own child. It's your job to help your amom get over her issues BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR MOM! The same as it's my job to help my moms understand me IF I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD BY THEM because contrary to popular belief, mother's aren't /actually/ psychic, even if they may seem that way sometimes. I don't know how long ago you were adopted, but trust me, times and the knowledge about what adoption does to kids has changed since they had you - massively. It's not their fault that you didn't come with a training manual, so stop acting like a **** and help them to understand you so that they can help you. Of course, if all you're interested in is bitching about how awful they are, then feel free to carry on acting like a wazzack, but you're only hindering your own life by doing so.

On the contrary, I felt like being adopted was a dirty little secret. Of coruse that was because that is how my APs treated it. I was embarrased about it and didn't tell a lot of people when I was younger.

I do not expect that my daughter will be proud of being adopted. There isn't anything about her story to be proud of. I expect that she will be sad that her adoption was necessary. I expect that she will wonder why her first mom did the things she did and why she isn't around as much as she could be. I expect she may even be angry at everyone. I expect she will hurt a lot. Proud?? Nope that one never even crossed my mind.

I didn't do anything to be proud of. Adoption is just a part of me and who I am. I accept it as something that happened that drastically changed the course of my life, I am happy with where I am in life, but I didn't do anything and being adopted wasn't some huge achievement that I accomplished. Adoption is nothing to be proud of, only something to be accepted.

As an AP and Adoptee I don't necessarily think anyone needs to be proud of being adopted. I love my APs and I'm proud they are my parent's, but I'd be proud if they were my biological parent's too, being adopted doesn't change that picture in the slightest.

Same feelings for my kids. I hope they're proud I'm their mother, but I don't expect them to necessarily be proud of being adopted.

I just don't get it why an adoptee should feel proud to be adopted. Does that mean anybody who wasn't should feel ashamed for not being adopted?

Sunny, you are asking APs if they expect their children to be proud to be adopted.

I think there are some who have bought into the myth that their child should be proud to have been "chosen"... they've told the story so many times that they believe it themselves; not getting the fact that they were probably just the next in line on the waiting list.

It goes along with others thinking adoptees should be grateful - grateful and proud to be selected by this benevolent family willing to love another mother's child.

It's a ridiculous comment. How can someone feel proud when their first mother gave them up? And as BJ Lifton says - adoptees know they were 2nd best in most cases. Their adoptive parents would have preferred to have had their own blood heirs..

Well, if adoption is something to be proud of then why are the records sealed? Things are locked away in secret only when someone is NOT proud of the situation and has something to hide.

Someone who is proud to adopt or be adopted would also have no need for a falsified birth certificate that claims they are biologically related.

The adoption system itself implies that there is nothing to be proud of in adoption.

Do most APs expect their adoptive children to feel proud to be adopted? NO

Honestly I don't expect t anything. There are so many emotions that go with being adopted and it depends on the person what and when they feel. He may have questions and look for his biological family. Which I am prepared for and we have a copy of his Original birth certificate and other info on his family.

He may want nothing to do with them and not look. He may flip flop and feel one way one day then another later which is all okay. He may not like the idea of being adopted (Which I know is a possibility but hope to GOD its not but I at least know it is there. I don't expect him to be grateful, proud or even happy about it I have no control over another persons feelings.

@ Patti and Blinka

I love my adoptive family too. They also taught me to be proud of my accomplishments. What I don't understand is how loving my family or being adopted is an "accomplishment" Maybe you need to calm down and actually read the question.

To answer: No. I'm not "proud" of being adopted and more than I am proud of any other random thing that occurred to me without my having any input or influence.

I can't say I feel proud of being adopted. As a previous poster has mentioned, I too am proud of having survived being adopted, but the adoption itself was not MY choice.

It involved no volition on my part, I didn't contribute to it in any way, so I can't see what there is about it to be proud of.