Adoptive parents - How do you respond to other adoptive parents completely unrealistic expectations?

Honestly, I would find out where she worships and speak with someone there about what is going on and see if they can offer her advice on how to handle things. While she may rely mainly on prayer, there may be someone who she trusts whom you can speak about your concerns with who can help her understand that there are options to relieve the child's suffering medically.

The child's soul can be prayed for, but the child's body is going to need a bit more than that to help. It isn't right for the child, who has no choice in the matter, to suffer due to her parent's lack of trust or belief in medical care.

Religion may help the family in this case, but there is a real need for medical intervention. These are serious diseases the child is dealing with.

Although not my way some people only do the praying and really have no confidence in medical care or attention. Actually the adoptive parents in my circle have never expressed those kinds of feeling but if they did I would certainly counter with knowledge that medical intervention can help with lots of these problems. A child adopted from foster care here would have all medical expenses covered and a child like this would be classified as a special needs child with lots of medical interventions approved before the adoption took place. The adoptive family would be aware of the medical issues and would be required to seek medical intervention as needed.

And you are so right---"shouting" in any way at someone else regardless of our intentions just causes the person on the other end to turn a deaf ear.

The answer is that you can never truly prepare yourselves for what is to come. When I do my sessons with potential adoptive parents (foster care) I just tell them outright "yes we have the sheet to identify what we think we can and cannot handle, but in the end our children end up who they are, and once we have chosen to invite these vulnerable children into our lives, we have to move onward and upward".

I also use practicaility, and always remind people that it is about the child, and we have to be realistic what we can handle, for the child's sake. This involves doing as much research as possible on behaviours and diagnosis etc. But again, nothing can truly prepare you, so sometimes you just have to go where you think you have to go. Frankly, it is up to the social worker to make sure they ARE prepared for everythign and have ALL the information!

I never like hearing about sick kids. This rips my heart out, and I'm truly sorry to hear about this little gaffer's medical problems. :-(

While it's not my place to tell anyone what to believe (after all, if someone told me what I had to believe, I'd laugh hysterically), I do get concerned when anyone, from any religion, relies on prayer IN LIEU of taking action, as opposed to using prayer to augment the more concrete actions that they could take, which are within their power.

I have talked to a good many foster-adoptive parents with unrealistic expectations. The thing is, unfortunately, some people will only hear what they choose to hear. Foster Parents and AP's now are provided much more education (for the most part), but just as in all walks of life, not all will choose to hear it. The best you can do is be honest and forthright when asked your opinion, and be pragmatic when and if you are giving them advice.

It is crazy-making though, isn't it?

And AdoreHim: We may not always agree, but I am truly sorry to hear about your husband. I'm not religious, but your family will be in my thoughts nevertheless.

I don't see that you are bashing Christians...I pray quite a lot myself, and find it to be helpful.

but, I have noticed...and maybe you have too, is that there is a "belief" that if we just want something badly enough, or if we have 'positive thoughts' or if we keep trying hard enough and we don't give up...things will work out the way we want them to.

This "positive energy' or "optimism" or "God-centered" thinking has taken over the "logic" of a lot of people and even moved into religions where it didn't used to be.

No one used to teach that we were were supposed to have perfect health or get all of our material dreams fulfulled and especially not from God.

But I think...you are a reasonable thinker. Keep speaking in a reasonable tone and some others with logical voices will hear you.

I wish you well.

I'm a christian, but I also see it that god empowered people out there to help with healing and make life better. I call them doctors and nurses and specialists and many of them I bet are christians too with values and common sense thrown in.

We do have a responsibility to look after our family in the best way possible- praying and faith is part of it, have you mentioned to her answered pray is rarely what she forms in her mind and expects it to be. I hear god she needs to open up her mind more, but to be honest it is up to her what she takes on board and acts on. So many people wanting to all give her advice can be overwhelming.

Just be a friend and be there for her, pray with her, drop in for a coffee/tea and let her talk it out and listen. From there bit by bit she'll see you have heart (and god there) in what you're saying, and her child can have some normality even with these kinds of disabilities. ) You're not just another person trying to tell her what to do and place conditions on the friendship if she doesn't do everything you're telling her to do.

All the best! You sound like a concerned friend.

This is a great question...both for the situation you describe as well as just day to day "blindness" that some people go into adoption with for any child healthy or otherwise. We support and work with parenting classes for both single moms and pregnant moms to be in the community that have "rose colored" glasses on and I think it really helps them. I really think it should be mandatory for adoptive parents to go through parenting classes before going into adoption and beyond. I don't mean to be horrifying and draw the comparison on adoption to a car wreck but just point out a concept: remember when we were kids in drivers training and the first class was 3 hours of car wrecks to help "shock" us into education and careful driving practices?

The agenccies show glorified isn't this great stuff love feast slide shows and call that adoptive parent education. I would advocate having a 3rd party run parent education classes for prep of what reality could include. It would go over healthy loving adoptive relationships, but also be blunt about cases of children/parents who don't bond, health issues encountered, open adoptions, what to do and say and when of children born of rape and drive home the realities on international and adoption of children with critical health issues.

As a Christian adoptee and parent of 2 adopted children, I am very much a believer in the power of prayer. However, I also know that God does not heal everyone. I have a husband who has been diagnosed with cancer, and I am TRULY praying for his recovery, and at the same time hoping for the best treatment doctors can give. Don't tell them to stop praying, but at the same time you can be an encouragement to them by being there when "their expectations" may not be met. What concerns me though is the parents knew some of problems this child would have before they adopted him. You are righ that their other child may be affected by this. "Being completely consumed with the caregiving of this child" is something they signed up for. I don't believe you are bashing Christian parents, but it does sound like you don't believe in the power of prayer at all, and that is something you will never convince a Christian parent of. Why would they stop praying for the complete healing of their son?

EDIT- I never said that I would not plan for medical expenses and know what I was getting into. You are right, if I came across like I would only pray, that was not intended