Adoptees and Bio moms....... The Holidays are here......?

The holidays are not a particular issue fo me but there are many other things scarttered through the year which are. Birthdays for example. But it does not need to be a particular day or time it is often a word or an ill chosen phrase or a location or a smell or nothing at all that hits the spot.

As an ap whose daughter right now is only 3, I can't imagine not being completely gaga over any future grandkids I may have! This isn't quite what your question is asking, but pretty similar. Right now my daughter is my parents only grandchild, and they are completely gaga over her, truly. Well, I won't have any biological children, my sister got married at a late age and may not have any biological children either, but may adopt from foster care. My brother is a "wandering spirit" and may never have children, biological or adopted. So, it occured to me that my parents may not ever have any biological grandchildren. I asked them if that idea bothered them. My mother immediately said no, that she loved K as much as she could love any grandchild and nothing would be missing if she never had any bio grandchildren. My father said that he would like my brother to have a son to "carry on the family name". Totally a man response, don't think it had anything particularly to do with less love for an adopted grandchild, but something there obviosly. Don't know exactly where to put that. ETA: Robin, that is so sad. I am so sorry. It boggles my mind how people can be like that.

I am a mother who lost her firstborn to adoption..46 years ago and have been in reunion for over 11 years now. My daughter was born and lost to me the first week of December. I have no recollection of that first Christmas, none whatsoever, immediately after her loss to adoption. But life did go on, I would marry and have 3 more children. I have always enjoyed Christmas, then and now. Every Christmas I would think about 'my baby' and so hope she was OK and that the people she was in the care of...loved her and made my baby happy. Of course, I never stopped missing her.

Today I live alone, all of my children live nearby and I still decorate for Xmas!! I love the Christmas season....I love the lights, the colors, the music, I love the fantasy and the stories...I especially love Santa Claus!!

Holidays are hard for me. I've been in reunion for 20 years but my son and I no longer have a relationship. He is a drug addict and very angry and I have chosen to not be involved with him during while he is using. For years before I found him, I would feel the "empty chair" at the table sadness. We did spend a few holidays together early in our reunion and they were very nice but my son doesn't seem to get into much of a holiday spirit even when things are good.

I have just moved to a new city with dear friends nearby and am hoping that is going to make a difference. For me, many of my friends have become more like family than family.

I used to hate Christmas. During my childhood, my family always fought on Christmas. My amom would always go all out with the gifts and the decorations. My adad would watch with dollar signs flashing before his eyes, and the moment the smallest thing didn't go perfectly as planned, the fight was on. I dreaded Christmas. Since I haven't had to deal with that for many, many years, Christmas really doesn't bother me anymore.

This is the first Christmas without my natural dad, and that's sad, but I have a ton of great memories with him, and that means a lot especially given my lack of great memories with my ap's. I can certainly get into the holiday spirit better now than I could 30 years ago.

Holidays don't make it any "different" for me - it's the day-to-day things that are terribly missed - including Christmas - where gifts are shared - traditions are kept ...

I hope to have all my kids together in my house one day - does it have to be Christmas? No.

Do I feel more complete since finding my son? In some ways, yes. However, I also feel more 'broken' because as gypsy said, 'baby' is what can't be recovered. Coercion is abduction and the violation associated with it brings about rage, a sense of helplessness and incomprehensible grief. Controlling those feelings is *key* and not more or less during holidays.

(( )) Merry Christmas Matt.

I fake it, really, really well. The tree is trimmed, the lights are hung, the porcelain village is lit, presents are bought, reindeer "food" made and my freezer is packed with baking. To my younger children and the world I look like Suzy Homewrecker on a holiday rampage while inside I feel dead.

We took our first "family" photos in 14 years this year, my two girls have never had a Christmas family photo taken of just the three of us. My family is missing a person and I feel like I betrayed him by taking family pictures. How sad is that? I seriously doubt that the holidays will ever hold the same magic, for me, that they did before I lost my son. I fake it for the girls and I make sure I fake it well but that is all it is, fake.

As for my own natural family I don't see them, rarely talk to anyone but my sister and generally don't care anymore. Their loss kwim?

I hate Christmas but make an effort for my husband and friends. The first Christmas I came close to enjoying was the first one into reunion, followed by the 2nd into reunion. The next three were very special as my son was living with us and I enjoyed every minute of it. In October 2009 we fell out badly - he'd moved out months before and we haven't had contact since. Last Christmas was sad because of that plus we were stressed as we had family living with us due to them being homelss and the mum was under threat of having her kids put into care - didn't happen though because of us. This coming Christmas I'm trying not to think about yet but I know I can't avoid so back to putting on an act.

Holidays are interesting for me to say the least. They always have been. When I was younger I always felt out of place because extended family came in, but I was always to busy playing or bugging about opening presents. Once I got older and met my bmom is when things really started hurting me. I couldn't carry on in the conversations the same way as my family, I had/have no interest in what they are talking about, and we have problems following each others train of thought. I met my bfamily, extended too. I was still the 'oddball' because I was not raised with them and I did do certain things differently even though I was family. I felt much more comfortable there, and people were able to understand me on a different level. On some level I dread the interaction I have to have with my afamily. I feel the whole time they are judging me, things like that. I feel like they notice too that I really don't fit in. I don't know exactly how to put it into words, but I am guessing other adoptees that have always felt out of place in a certain area will get it.

I no longer have anything to do with my bio. family. I really miss them, especially my little brother during this time of year. I know my bmom is really missing out on her grandson and I know it has to really bother her. She told me when I met her, that on my birthday, christmas, Thanksgiving, and new years she would always light a candle for me beside the pictures she did have of me. I hope she still does it. and does it for my son too.

I don't have to pretend to be happy because I am happy. I love the holidays and I love spending it with my family even if there are awkward moments. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the hurt of not being able to celebrate with my other family as well. For me, holidays intensify that 'there is something missing' feeling 10x. It makes me a little angry at my afamily for not supporting me in fixing things with my bfamily, or even trying to put in an effort. I understand WHY they do I guess. They act like they don't matter and could care less if they saw them or hurt them and that I should feel the same. It irks me when they still invite and 'warmly welcome' members of their own genetic family that they should have nothing to do with, or sit around wishing things could be different. No one acknowledges me or what I may feel about things.

I smile through those moments, deflect any attention I may bring on myself, and go on. I love Christmas and I would celebrate it like I do even if it was just my son, husband, and me. I go all out. Christmas tree up after Halloween, Whole outside of the house in lights, presents wrapped up with all kinds of glittery and sparklies, cookies, Christmas music. Its a bittersweet time that's hard to explain. Wish I could make sense of it myself!

I wasnt coerced nor do I have issues with the fact that Im adopted. My only issue with this time of year is that my bio son was born 12/17/86 so on the 17th, of course, I have my 'day of reckoning' lol. I spend that day in thought, of course.