About love in the adoption decision?

Well, I'm not sure I have an answer for you. But one thing, I think, is that, for both your boys, their mothers love them. It is also true, in both cases, that they relinquished them for adoption.

These are both true facts on their own, but maybe they need not be correlated. She didn't relinquish BECAUSE she loved him, she relinquished AND she loved him...Does that make any sense at all? One has nothing to do with the other. She loved him. Period. She relinquished because of x, y, and z, but it doesn't change that she loved him.

I have no idea if I'm making sense. I'm hazey and sick right now. LOL. But I, too, find the connection of love and relinquishment to be unsettling, at best.

ETA: Oh, I just noticed...I didn't mean to imply that your son's mothers only loved them in the past. LOL. Again, not completely "checked in" right now. In my answer, I was referring to the time of relinquishment, but obviously their love is in the present tense. :-P

I must go back to sleep.

It is complicated and I think timelines play into this conversation as well. Many first parents cry foul at any AP trying to explain any part of their adoption history including feelings associated with them going on at the time because they feel that conversation should only be reserved between the first parent and the adoptee. While ideal sure. What reality is that as soon as that child (usually between 2.5-4) that a child truly understands that they weren't born in your tummy, they will ask progressively more difficult and more emotional questions that demand some sort of accountability and answers from the AP because they are the parent. Even if there is an open adoption where the child and first parent can have the conversation, the reality is also that the child will come and want to talk to their legal parent in more detail as a trusted loving parent they should be.

I asked my daughter's mother to write her letters which I promised to put in a box unread to give to her when she's old enough to fully understand so she can read everything first hand. In the interim though, I recognize I have to fill in the gaps. She's 2 and that time will be coming so I am very interested in the answers here to your question. My current plan is that we represent the truth about her mothers love, her mom did and still loves her and to say otherwise just isn't reality. What I won't say is she loved you so much she gave you away for a better life stuff--that is terrible. My cousin just wrote a big public thing on my website in a way that is typical but didn't realize how upset this topic can make people and I had to delete it and talk to her about it. Teaching moment. But I expect that many well meaning people will talk to my daughter when I am not around in a way I wouldn't like(teachers, doctors, other kids, other parents etc) and spill the same crudola and I want to prepare her for all of it and the reality of her own unique situation.

Gypsy....I am sorry to even touch what is obviously painful...but as a parent I'd like to ask what you'd suggest? Ferbs and my situation around my daughter is very very similar. I do have frequent contact with our daughters mother but I can't in a million years see her being able to talk about this. While I am sympathetic, the reality is my daughter is my first priority.

I have to agree with one of the other posters here. Loving your child is making really crappy tough decisions in THEIR best interest. At that time, that was the best decision. I loved him from the moment I knew he was there but I do hate the phrase-they loved you so much they gave you away. How about "your mother loved you so much, she wanted you to have the best chances at a good life" ? At 16 what did I know...I still, at 41, know I made the right decision for that time in my life. If I'd had him a mere 3 years later, situation may have been different so my choice may have been different.

I am 25 years old and I was adopted at birth (Open Adoption). My adoptive mother explained, on more than a few occasions, how much my birth mother loved me. She explained to me that the reasons she gave me up was because she felt she could not provide a stable home and environment for me and wanted to look out for my best interest. Something else that helped me was the fact that she did not abort me, she let me live and that meant a lot to me. Also, my birth mother wrote letters to my adoptive mother to give to me when I got older and could understand a little better. They brought tears to my eyes and only made my love grow stronger for my birth mother.

There are some feelings that you will never be able to change. but the best thing you can do is try to help them look at things in a positive way.

Most of the time I looked at my situation as positive because I was reassured constantly that I was loved by my birth mother and my adoptive parents but sometimes those feelings of emptiness and abandonment will come and all I wanted was a little understanding from my parents. I didn't want them to try and make it better I just wanted understanding.

And even though I do want to search for my birth mother one day I am very comfortable with my situation and I realize that she really did do what she though was best for me.

well to be honest, i do think that telling a child 'she gave you up because she loved you so much DOES create a very distorted view of 'love'! lots of people i know who are adopted (as opposed to people who aren't) get into damaging relationships later where they put up with constant rejection only to get back together and continue this cycle for years. very bad for self esteem. also, there is always a fear that the people u love will reject you/abandon you. bad enough for adoptees to feel this anyway cos of being adopted, worse to make it worse by telling them that love=rejection.

i think the best thing is to tell the truth! they loved you, but could not look after you. we love you and we can look after you.

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ok, why might you care if he hates you? If he does, it means he's a thoroughly ***. you're the two in charge for making the toddler. Neither of you ought to have been having intercourse in case you probably did no longer be attentive to that there is often the possibility of somewhat one. 'She mentioned that if he does not like it i will ought to eliminate it.' you do no longer ought to eliminate something. no longer except you opt for to. the daddy of somewhat one has no say in whether the mummy aborts or no longer. Therefor, in case you abort the toddler, it replaced into your very own determination. i'm no longer asserting something approximately abortion. that is legal, it is your physique, it is your existence, i'm professional-determination, in case you extremely have self belief that is needed and you will be able to't in all probability supply beginning to the toddler, then by all means. in case you do, shop it TO your self. some people are extremely indignant by it, and that i do realize it. i might arise and preserve a woman's proper to an abortion yet you only look irresponsible...and that i does not sense sorry for you in any respect. i might shop out of it. in the experience that your boyfriend does not choose the toddler or refuses to help, i might strongly recommend adoption. in case you think of you are able to hold the toddler and supply beginning to it, please...only supply the toddler to adoption. i do no longer think of people understand that somewhat one is a blessing! some people beg and pray and cry over their lack of ability to have/undertake a toddler. and girls such as you only throw out the alternative of aborting so certainly, whilst there are people and couples obtainable who might kill to be fortunate sufficient to pregnant.

The truth usually works fine Ferbs. Why not just explain to him, in more age appropriate language obviously, exactly what youve said here? His mother loved him, but was going to lose him anyway and was afraid of having her choices taken away from her? Fact is, ALL of those things were a factor in your sons adoption and as long as you continue to keep the adoption open he will always be able to ask his first mother himself........stick to honesty always and you cant go wrong, its when you lie...and later you get caught in that lie, that the problems start.

Edits to add: I dont dispute that first parents LOVE their babies, I know for a fact that my first mother loved me. Its the mixing of love with abandonment/surrender that I disagree with. There are simply better ways to express the reality than to say to an adoptee that they were surrendered because their first parents love them. The reasons behind surrender ARENT about love, theyre about fear. Fear that you wont be a good parent. Fear that you wont have enough money.......or in Ferb's sons case, fear that because of your own bad choices all your choices will be taken away from you. In the case of Ferb's son, it is quite clear that for safetys sake, adoption WAS the best choice for him, it is sad that this woman who clearly loved her son still chose a convicted child molester over her son.............. Being told that youve been abandoned out of love DOES screw you up and set you up to make seriously bad choices, for me it took 3 years of getting the sh** beaten out of me by an abusive man who I "loved" to work out that there had to be a better way and that love meant more than that..... Its ok to tell an adoptee that their first parent loves them, whats not ok is to tell them that love was the reason behind the adoption.

Gypsy and Cleo - you gave some unusual answers. What is Ferbs supposed to say?

"Your mother was a weak person who wasn't strong enough to fight to keep you and wasn't smart enough to find resources to help her?" or

"Golly, I don't know why your mother gave you up. I certainly never would have. Guess you'll have to ask her someday when you meet her?"

Oh man, this is a hard one and I've worried about the same thing myself, many times.

The parents of my girls did not choose adoption- their rights were taken by the state. However, they did and DO love the girls!

Loving your child isn't about making choices that will make them happy... Its about making choices that are right for them. The majority of us do not know what its like to willingly decide to give our children up for adoption- even those who are horrible parents want to keep their children with them-no matter how hurtful it will be. It takes such a special person to make that choice. I'm not sure you can explain that to the fullest and regardless of what you say, I'm sure he will be hurt and upset to some degree.

Since you are so blessed to be in this open adoption, is it possible that you ask his mom to write him a letter explaining her feelings and why she made the choice ?

Putting others above ourselves is always an act of love- not in the traditional sense that hallmark portrays, but its true.

I hope you find same good answers and get advice for your little man!!!!

If his birth mother says she gave him up out of LOVE, you can't change that... all you can do is relay the information SHE gave you. Whether people agree wiht it or not, if SHE says it was out of her love for him- THAT is the answer.