In your estimation ... Who is the 'true hero'?

People who pay to get someone else's baby are not heroes. Mothers who are forced to surrender their children aren't heroes...they are desperate.

I once knew a woman who gave her pregnant niece a home after the young woman's parents had kicked her out. The young mother and baby lived with her aunt until she had completed college and was self-supporting. This took a number of years.

I would consider the aunt to be a hero.

I There are no heroes. There are hurting people on all sides that need to be very careful and make decisions from both sides,.From my and others experience, and having been involved in the adoption community for overr 30 years all I can say is "be careful"...THINK... and TRY hard to keep your emotions of the time on a leash and think of the long run.. Birthmothers, (and fathers if applicable), you will not hv the issues that r making u think of surrendering ur baby , forever. Time will pass. Ur situation will change, hopefully for better.. Then what??? Now when you do not have that particular situation will you grieve for the child u surrendered... (For its own gooooood, as the agencies say... just keep in mind these "helping"agencies even the ones that are religious or charitable based, charge the adoptive parents hungering for a baby, BIG bucks.. They are a BUSINESS, albeit a non profit, . Check into what they charge to place a healthy infant.. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ while they tell the birth mom what a woooonnnnnnnderful unsellllllllllllllfish thing they are doing in surrendering their baby for a "better life"" ... can we be 1oo per cent sure??? adoptive parents get sick, they lose jobs, they divorce, go bankrupt,maybe have extended family members who are not good people to have around a child (or actually perverts or mean) to the adopted child,,, u r entrusting ur baby to someone who look good... and may be very good.. but will it last??? Weigh carefully.. at least with ur self and ur family you know what u r dealing with.. hey if u really cannot be a parent, is their a friend or relative who would help out ? Even if they aggravate u, are they good enough people to take help from? If the answer is truly no that u cannot parent at this time, insist on meeting the extended family, not just the adoptive parents. DO NOT make this decision on ur immediate problem only. there are scholarships , job training programs , welfare, and benefits that are offered to a new mom to help her get back on her feet if she really wants to, even subsidized day care in most places for lo income moms. Get out of dysfunctional relationships with men. Drop the men for awhile and get back on ur feet.. give toward urself and ur No hero... that is an emotional play to get moms to feel better about surrendering the baby , and could be viewed as consolation or a pressure tactic. Get legal advice on YOUR OWN about "open adoption" if it is offered 2 u. Most places have some free legal advice. Find it. Dont depend on the agency.. Find ur own truth.. Once those adoption papers are signed, the NEW parents ARE THE PARENTS, NOT YOU. THEY HAVE THE FINAL SAY ABOUT WHETHER U WILL CONTINUE TO BE ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THE BABYS LIFE. Remember they have paid well and gone thru much investigation and trouble to get your baby.. They feel entitled and some wont blame them. They deal with the child daily... if they want u out of the picture for any reason they can go back on the agreement and refuse u contact. All they have to say is that it is upsetting the child after visiting you. and it well might as he or she gets older. You may have other children that u r successfully parenting.. How will that child feel if they see ur other kids going home with u, u having a nice car and money for ice cream , or a present..??? Think theyll believe that u could not take care of them??? And as far as the adoptive parents.... they too are dealing with so much emotion.. for whatever reason, pregnancy loss, infertility, what ever... but they too have issues, the bottom line being a need to parent a child... Being a hero is NOT a good reason to adopt. Children are not grateful.. Yes maybe they can give ur child a very good life and will, but ur child will learn early on that they are not the biological child, I have never met an adoptee that does not question why they were surrendered for adoption... the issues go from mild to wild, but there are always issues. Adoption is a much more complex subject than people realize. If an adoptive couple is looking to be a HERO by adopting that is NOT a good reason. THE NEED to be a parent is THEIRS.. and they are fulfilling that need.... Hopefully it will work out well.... But the word HERO has NO place in a situation that is painful and anxiety provoking to the birthmom and also the adoptive family as well . Both parties need to put the emotion aside and determine what is truly best for the baby and GET THE MONEY ASPECT out of it.. children do not need gymboree memberships and private schools. They are very happy with yard sale clothing and toys... if they have love and NO adoption issues... and they are with their people... I agree with you entirely. Your last paragraph says it all.. God bless you for whatever your interest in this is.. You are a wise person.. may you be well and at peace..

The only heroes that have emerged from this painful tragedy are those who now seek justice and equality...those who choose to no longer be victims be they natural mothers or adoptees. The mothers and adopted adults who are willing to get out there despite the opposition to their quests, who speak up about the trauma and the grief and the unnecessary nature of it all...those are the real heroes and they show up long after the surrender is done and the adoption is finalized.

I also think that the heroes in adoption today are the ones who can put aside their stereotypes and work together with civility and mutual respect...those who can voice their pain without vitriol and vicious name-calling...those who can tell their truth as mature adults...and those who realize the fact that those who oppose us are those who gain the most from adoption.

I do not see the adopters as heroes. I see them as damn lucky they got our children at our expense.

Heroic Natural Mothers....yet another marketing strategy that the industry came up with to counter the dwindling supply of international adoptees for the insatiable American market in much the same way that they came up with Open Adoption in the 1970s when Roe v. Wade caused an abrupt end to the seemingly endless supply of healthy babies. In the Summer of 2006, NCFA president Thomas Atwood in his article "Reviving the Institution of Infant Adoption" ' and their publication, "Birthmother, Good Mother; Her Story of Heroic Redemption", announced this strategy exactly. Then they proceeded to act on it almost immediately and have been ever since.

There are few heroes in adoption. There is pain, fear, desperation on one side, and on the other side there are people who will use and exploit that fear and desperation for their own purposes. Perhaps I am not totally objective, but neither side sounds particularly heroic to me.

The one thing that bothers me is that the industry of adoption is so arrogant that they can announce their strategy in full details, stating step by step what they intend to do and why and STILL people are surprised when they do the heinous things that they lay out with such precision, Is it because the American people are still so naive that they still can delude themselves that adopiton is not a business and is just a nice service full of heroic people doing God's work! BULL! When will we learn?

There are no true heroes in adoption. There is a lot of hurt, a lot of entitlement, a lot of fear.....but no heroes. A hero would be someone who instead of helping themselves (at great cost) to someone elses baby, instead spent that money helping someone else KEEP their baby.

If AP's (infertile or not) make the determination to adopt older kids (5 and above - handicapped or not), keep all info/safe contact with birth family as possible, raise them lovingly as good parents (and all that implies ie. not abusive, expectant grateful, little workhorses, etc), they might be hero's. A mom, with severe mental health issues not able to be helped with meds and care, who has no extended family to raise her child, that surrenders, might be a hero. Mom's pregnant from rape or incest that determine they would be unable to bond/love, have no extended family able to raise the child and surrender might be hero's. There are a few circumstances when adopting and surrenduring might be a good decision for the child. In most instances of infant/under 3 adoption it is first in the best interest of someone else. First mom's too young to parent - it's either in mom's best interest or her parents to give up. Turning this around to "you're doing unselfish, loving, etc. crap" - is just spin. The majority of AP's and PAP's in infant adoption are infertile (some may get pregnant after adoption, some after their own, but wanted more). Whether due to husband, wife, (or gay) infertility is most often in the equation. So, what is this country's first response to "We can't have children" - "you could adopt!". First comes "we have a problem". Fixing this problem is the solution to the AP's. The spin then comes - we are helping the unloved, abused, unwanted baby.

There are hero's in the triad - adoptees, AP's and first families trying to effect reform and stand up against the adoption industry and current laws.

There's no "hero" in this situation. The mother is abandoning her child. The adoptive mother is taking that child. It is an all-around terrible situation that would, ideally, never happen.

As an aside, newborn adopters do not "choose" their children. I cringe when I hear this. They found a mother willing to surrender to them. That is completely different.

If the birth mother placed the child for adoption for a good reason, then she's a hero. If the adoptive parents were good parents, then they're heroes.

I think all people who go quietly about their lives, trying their best to do the right thing can be called heroes. We give so much worship to sports stars and movie stars, why not to the people just going about their business in a good way?

Neither 0 since abandonment will never be heroic, and raising a child that needs a hope is just something that should be done 'cause it needs doing.

I don't think either of them are heroes, just regular people. It takes courage to place a baby for adoption, especially when it seems like most of society pressures girls to keep their babies. It takes determination to adopt, you can't ever give up no matter how hard it seems. But I wouldn't call either one heroic.

ETA: You Can't Handle the Truth gave a great answer! I wish I'd thought of that.