Why is it so hard for a man to be understanding and compassionate towards his pregnant partner?

Question

I understand a pregnancy affects both partners differently, yet still equally intensely (for well, the good men) and for me, its easier to understand how this pregnancy might be affect him but that understanding is not equally reciprocated towards me. We made this baby together deliberately, but now sometimes I feel like I'm alone with this pregnancy and it's depressing. He doesn't understand that I am undergoing a lot of changes not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. 

Before I get into it, to avoid a lot of negative, men bashing responses, let me just say that he is typically sensitive to my needs, he helps out a lot (physically) and regularly checks to see if i need anything. He'll cook or clean (when hes not working) and bring me lunch to work, let me nap while he cares for our other child and so on.

But as far as supporting me mentally and emotionally, or being sensitive to my rapidly changing and uncontrollable moods and emotions or drop os sex drive, he is absolutely NOT up to par.

He thinks I can control my raging hormones and the affect it has on my moods and emotions. I even try to warn him before he comes home that I am feeling emotional, but it doesnt seem to help. He cant seem to understand that small, odd things can upset me, irritate me or flat out anger me and that controlling these intense emotional swings is very difficult to do. I do not try to take it out on him, but he often times takes it as a personally attack and in turn becomes combative and intolerant which results in upsetting me even further bc im not trying to lash out on him and i just wish he could understand that my behavior is because of my raging hormones, that im not just using my pregnancy as an excuse to be a b*tch. I feel totally alone and depressed when he responds that way. Maybe its unreasonable, but i wish he could just understand that and be compassionate, like, "ok, shes pregnant and hormonal, she cant control her emotions, she needs me to be sensitive and understanding, so i will let her blow her steam and then be gentle with her when shes calmed down". I mean is really too much to ask for your partner be gentle and understanding? THATS ALL I FREAKIN NEED! Rather than taking it personally, being combative and furthering the situation into a knock-down drag-out argument.

Another thing i cant seem to level with him on is that fact that every woman and every pregnancy is different. He likes to compare me to all these super horny pregnant women who don't ever seem have emotional blow ups and asks me why I am not, or cannot be like these other women. It drives me nuts! I dunno where he gets his sources, but apparently he seems to believe that most, if not all pregnant women are super horny and none that he has ever talked to have ever taken their hormonal mood swings out on other people. WTF???

I have a very low sex drive right now and sex is basically on the bottom of my priority list. He is much better at handling it with this pregnancy that he did with the last, but he still guilts me and puts this obligated pressure on me to surrender my body over to his sexual needs and desires. Its a nightly ritual with him to be relaxing, dozing off to sleep in bed for the night only to be awakened by another episode of what i call him molesting me, touching me, and begging me for sex, absolutely not taking no for answer. He takes it personally, cant understand that my sex drive is low bc i am PREGNANT, he proceeds to compare me to other women making me feel like there is something wrong with me, that it is not right for my sex drive to be depleted, that it should be the other way around, and that if i loved him i would just do it for him. Then he equates sex with love and all affection, he cant seem to understand that just because i dont want sex, doesnt mean i dont need his loving touch and affection. 

I explain to him in numerous different ways what pregnancy does to a woman's body and a couples relationship, i email him articles and forums furthering this explaination but I feel like im banging my head on a brick wall. We otherwise have a wonderfully balanced and loving relationship. WTF do I need to do to ease this situation?! I want a smooth, happy, and healthy pregnancy for the both of us.

Gemma W · Accepted Answer

I can totally relate to you, my partner seems to think that all pregnant women want sex all the time, but I don't want it ever. He guilts me but has got to the point he just leaves me alone now. He's constantly moody though. 
He is lazy and doesn't realise that I cannot do as much right now because I ache, I'm tired and I'm uncomfortable. He let's me have naps when he's at home but he comes and wakes me up after half an hour or so which I find annoying.
I don't know what I can do about him, I just leave him too it now x

Anonymous · Answer

1

Nicole · Answer

Hormones are tough, my husband and I actually got into a lot of arguments about nothing that kept escalating because we were both frustrated. We fought this in our first pregnancy by trying to be more sensitive to each others needs.  He hated that our sex drive was cut from daily to sometimes once every two weeks especially during the first trimester.  Here is the deal that we made and hopefully it will work or a version of it... I agreed that it was unfair to cut back on sex as much as I did we agreed on having sex at least 1-2 times a week depending on how I was feeling and in return I get to chose 1-2 activities a week that we can do as a family or together, like snuggling an watching a movie together.  I am not saying that it works flawlessly but it does help, as far as the hormones, I try to warn my husband in advance when I am terrible, I just shoot him a text, and he usually responds with a "what do you need" it could be as simple as a hug, him buying a gallon of milk or taking our son off of my hands as soon as he gets home from work, so I can take a shower before school. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship, it just needs a little work, but whose doesn't?

? · Answer

There is no greater test of the strength of a relationship than having a child together. It changes you, it changes your partner, and it changes the relationship. Some relationships can handle it some can't. I strongly suggest coupled counseling. It is a great way to get feelings know without damaging the relationship and a great tool to learn how to communicate and cope.  Your sex life you described is rape by coercion. It doesn't matter if you are married or no a woman has a right to say no and the partner MUST grant that. It's a law in the U.S. he could be arrested for spousal rape. If the touching is unwanted and he KNOWS it's unwanted but does it anyway it is molestation. You need therapy. If he won't go to couples therapy then try to go on your own. I'm not being judgmental I am being honest.

? · Answer

There are at least two sides to every situation.  You only described your needs, what about his?  I don't remember having the issues you describe when I had my kids.  I don't know, I just get the feeling you expect to be pampered and indulged just because you are pregnant.  If he helps out like you say he does, and he is thoughtful in general, I think you should make more of an effort to see to his needs too.  Pregnancy is not a disability.  It's normal and healthy and really doesn't restrict you until the last trimester.  Perhaps you should talk to your ob/gyn about this.

King Yahoo · Answer

I didn't read your long question bc nobody really does, but here's two things going on.  First, your hubbie sounds emotionally immature and insensitive and that could mean problems down the road.  Second, he could also be suffering from anxiety himself of having a child.  It's also pretty scary for the guy too, so you have to be sensitive to his emotions right now ironically.  Plus, if you get too annoyed at him, you may just push him away and he will run away.  Ask him what he's feeling about the new child.  If he doesn't respond, he's an immature idiot and good luck with that.

? · Answer

Wow I thought I was the only one going through this with my fiance. Heis the same way.. Except when it comes to sex. Im the one who wants it more. He thinks my emotions can be controlled and its mind over matter. He rolls his eyes when I try to explain. Hang in there. Try to have sex with him and be fake if you have to. He soundslike a good guy but he wont be able to ever understand what we women go through.

Trending News

Why is it so hard for a man to be understanding and compassionate towards his pregnant partner?

7 Answers