How do you deal with insensitive people/comments after a miscarriage?

Question

I was 6 weeks pregnant and I just found out that I am miscarrying. I had no symptoms- no bleeding or pain. The doctor told me that my hormones are dropping and the ultrasound showed nothing. I am starting to deal with it emotionally, but I can't until I begin to deal with it physically. The doctors are waiting for me to pass it naturally, but I may need medication. I have been getting some really insensitive comments from friends and family. One friend told me that I don't have the right to "fall apart" because I have my 3 year old to take care of. If I spend my time crying, that's my way of saying that this baby/pregnancy was more important to me than my 3 year old son! Other people have said "it wasn't meant to be", "in my day, we wouldn't have even known we were pregnant at this point", "don't worry, you can just have another", "at least it happened early" or "just be thankful for what you already have". And other people are afraid to say anything and have just been ignoring me. I really don't want to be around anyone because everyone seems to be minimizing my situation. I knew I was pregnant for over 2 weeks and fell in love with the idea of having another child. The doctor feels my health is still in jeopardy at this point because it still might be ectopic. I have to wait until next week to get rechecked. I hate the physically part even more than the emotionally part. I have so much to deal with, and I feel like nobody in my family understands. One minute I'm okay, and the next minute I'm hysterical. How do you deal with all the stress/emotions/other people during a miscarriage?

megan.malloy · Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry for your loss, i miscarried at 7 weeks in December of 09.  I told EVERYONE i knew i was expecting, i was that excited and when I lost the baby i was devastated.  I did get a few of the "it wasn't meant to be" or "god had other plans for you and that baby".  

There really isn't anything people can say to make it better, i think maybe you are just taking the comments too much to heart.  It's possible these people have never experienced a lose like that and want to be helpful but just said the wrong thing.  You're sensitive right now, and rightly so, please don't take any of the comments to heart.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand this is the most sensitive time for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how far along a pregnancy is, a miscarriage is always devastating! If I were you I would be thinking twice about having children with your husband. If he acts like this, do you really think he is capable of being the kind of father he should be? I don't. Trust me, you don't want to wait until it's too late to find out the answer to that question. I certainly don't mean to under-mind your situation by saying this, but maybe this is God's way of telling you NOT to have children with a man who doesn't care about you or your baby...especially if you think he's relieved about it! I'll be sending positive thoughts your way and I hope you can find a solution. Take care!

Veronica · Answer

No ones ever going to know what you're going through emotionally and don't expect them to understand. I lost my baby boy at 21 on july 1st there's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes I still cry about it because I would have given everything and anything to have him still with me. Its probably the hardest thing any women can go threw. I'm sorry for your loss but over time you will feel better about it

Aly · Answer

I had a miscarrige in October 2010. My husband wasn't as devastated as I was. But my MIL and my mother weren't supportive the always "You can try again" "or maybe you just can't have children" I ignored them for a few months. 
It's completely understandable that you are upset and I can't blame you. If you have to ignore the comments. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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How do you deal with insensitive people/comments after a miscarriage?

4 Answers