why is my sis in law being unreasonable?

Can't really wrap my head around the notion that your sister-in-law should send her son off for months while her husband is overseas in a war zone. Ouch. It's painful to even think about. Any possibility that she is being polite by saying that the boy wants to stay home with her instead? Do you care for this woman at all?

Agree that it's not good for a ten year old boy to be alone everyday. Agree that it's not out of order for the family to be concerned and urge the mother to get child supervision one way or the other. Perhaps the sister who lives close can go over on a Saturday morning, with the legal statutes in hand, and help your sister-in-law understand what the law has to say about it and why its important that SOMEONE be there (where ever "there" is) for the child. Between her job and her husband's "dependents and combat" pay there should be the resources to supply some sort of summer program for that kid. Her situation is not unique. There are programs in every city that provide at least a half-day activity. Of course it is the adults who make the choices but kids deserve a voice into who they want to be around.

Come up with something that does NOT include making your sister-in-law be without her son while her husband is deployed.

I guess I never knew ADHD was considered a "special needs" thing.

She needs to step up as a mother and do what is right for him, not let him call the shots. Yet, having him gone all summer maybe wouldn't be best for her. She's already missing her husband and then to just hand over her child, just maybe too much. Have the relitive who is only 4 blocks away insist that they watch him, rather or not the child cares to be watched. Let her know, that there is a possibility that if people found out, he maybe taken away for no supervision. But heck, back in my day, I was only 8 years old caring for several kids at once.

There are at least two issues which need resolving.

Where the kid stays. As previously said: In a case such as the one you are describing, parents should allow their children to make a choice, if they are allowed to make a choice at all, from those options acceptable to the parents. I.e. do you want to stay with aunt A or aunt B? If the child says, stay home, the response is Staying home is not an option, aunt A or aunt B? If you cannot decide, I will make the decision.

As far as the father. Getting involved with a "good guy/bad guy" argument loses for everyone. You are putting your brother in a position where he has to chose to back either his wife or family. Either way he loses. So, the issue has to be addressed in such a way that he doesn't have to chose. Preferably working with the mother so she has to take responsibility for her choices. Personally, since he can't really do anything, I wouldn't involve him. However, if she is bringing him into the discussion, i.e. she gripes, he asks you what is going on, you have to answer tactfully, truthfully and without bias. Probably something like:

Aunt A has offered to ....

Aunt B has offered to ....

Sibling C has offered to ...

After giving him the facts, step out of the way, don't meddle in his family. Don't allow yourself or anyone else to be put in the position where they must be right or wrong, allow space for people to learn and change.

I can understand your sis in law not wanting to send her son far away. However, you state that one sister lives 4 blocks away (I assume this is from the boy's home), which is closer and would be a good option for both your sis in law and the boy. Since she is allowing the boy to decide and he does not want to leave the house, then you have all done your best to help her. My suggestion is to have you and your sisters write or text your brother and let him know that you did indeed offer to help, but she turned the offers down.

No mystery here. You write your brother and send copies to your sister about the REAL situation but don't lay it ion too heavy, just be upfront and honest about each one's offer...End of story. You don't HAVE to share this with your sisterinlaw...She'll know soon enough? That HE knows and THEY can work it out - but the truth MUST prevail and you must set the "record straight" here and in the process, let your sisters know you are doing so for the sake of all.

Do I think a kid should determine WHERE/HOW he receives summer care? Not particularly, but as a mother? I would make it the easiest transition possible AND that would probably be the sisterinlaw who lives but 4 blocks away. Your sisterinlaw isn't a very strong woman it would seem...So be it. Offer is made. End of story. Let it be after you set the record straight to your brother.

Grace

This mom is raising a tyrant. Why is she allowing a 10 y.o. CHILD to call all the shots? Aren't parents supposed to be the ones making this type of decision? Your sister in law needs to grow a pair and stand up to her son. If she doesn't, she's going to have a hell of a time when he's 16!

Should your brother ask you why no one is helping.

You let him know what you mentioned to us on here. Also let him know that you all have your own lives that cannot be interrupted to accommodate her situation. You all were openly and willing to step up to work something out. That she allowed their son to decide and declined all offers.