Adopting a baby--etiquette questions?

Yes it is different as you didn't go through 9 months of pregnancy and he has to sets of parents not just one. It's sad enough enough that he will grow up not knowing who his natural parents are. Yes you will be his parents but unless you decide to keep his start in life a secret he will know that he has a mother and father out there somewhere. It does matter where he came from as you don't know if his mother simply didn't want him or she was a scared, single mother who was too frightened to tell anybody close to her that she was pregnant.

At the end of the day does it really matter to you what other people think including complete strangers?

It's up to you what you do.

ETA If you had included the extra information when you asked the question I would have answered slightly differently. Nor did I assume you wouldn't tell him he is adopted I said and I quote " ... but unless you decide to keep his start life a secret...." Where does that translate to you're not going to tell at all? Methinks you're over sensitive and should try reading answers properly instead of jumping to wrong conclusions. That is why I was questioning whether you would be honest or not. The simple fact you can't spell my name right even though you could have copied and pasted it says it all ::) ~ it's PHILIPPA not PHILLIPA.

As for the baby shower I said it was up to you. We live in different societies as where I come from the whole point of them is to buy things for the baby. That is why it is called a baby shower. It's for the baby not the parents.

Parents who raise their children are parents not birth parents which is an offensive term for parents who surrender. Fathers can't give birth and mothers don't just give birth.

You came across as insensitive before adding information.

Have you actually spoken to his mother? If you have then I am even more sad for him as it's heartless to do what she did. If you haven't then you can't assume you have been told the truth. My son grew up believing I didn't want him / I wanted him to have two parents. This was reinforced when he found my family. My mum even wrote him a letter telling him to accept I didn't want to be found. I found him and it blew his world apart as his adoptive parents had been lied to so they unintentionally carried on with this. Before he told me what he had been told I told him the truth that I had been lied and bullied into surrendering by my parents and adoption agency but had wanted to raise him. I have seen the letter my mum wrote. I know there are parents who don't want to parent but there are others that do but don't for their own reason.

I haven't accused you of being manipulative.

Of course you would have a shower for an adopted baby! How ridiculous not to let your friends celebrate this baby just as they'd celebrate one you'd birthed. This boy has come into the world, and now he will be your son! Sounds like cause for celebration to me, and he will use onesies, diapers, books, toys, booties and blankets as much as any other baby.

This friend is really not much of a friend at all. If it was me, I'd ask her out of curiosity what she has against adopted children. Unless she had a brilliant answer I hadn't thought of, or she was confusing an adopted child with a foster child (and I know many foster parents who treat their foster kids the same as their "own") I would then tell her to get out and stay out.

You should keep the birth name if their is one or use the original sir name as a middle name. Keep the child's heritage intact. You can have a baby shower but people DO have stigmas and shame associated with adoptions.

Get a copy of the babies birth certificate. Try to have contact as much as possible with the birth family for mental helth of the child.

I think you could have a shower since it is your first child. However, it's important that you understand he is different from a child you gave birth to (although that does not mean he is less-than or should be treated less-than).

He did not come to you the same as if you birthed him. Aside from you & your husband he will always have another family out there, another mother, & another father, who he has lost (either by abandonment or because they were left in the dark & never told about him).

A child you birthed would never have to come to terms with that, the lack of information about his origins/biofamily/birth story, or deal with all the messages that adoptees so commonly grow up hearing from society (like they should be grateful they were adopted, their parents are not their "real parents," etc.).

It is important that you prepare yourself to parent a child who is adopted -- NOT a child who is biologically related to you or birthed by you. They might have adoption-related issues you will need to help them work through & you need to educate yourself so you can help.

I would suggest looking into books written by Nancy Verrier & Betty Jean Lifton who write extensively on the adoptee POV. The more open you are now to learning about adoptee's experiences, the better it will be for your son should he some day feel similar.

I am totally in agreement with the first poster. When you adopt a child then that baby becomes your child. I might not be able to have my own children so if I adopt in order to have a family then that makes my family less special somehow? I think if anything that is more special because you chose to love this child, it wasn't hormones released in the birthing that caused your love for this child but a conscious choice and time spent bonding.

It does matter where he came from, in the sense that you won't know any medical issues that may run in his biological family, aside from that not at all!

I think you should have a baby shower, and you should love him as much as a child you birthed. Should they be treated the same, no, they are different people. Taking one child to the theatre and another to a baseball game isn't favrotism, its realizing they are different and therefore doing different things with them.

My chum is throwing her own for her 2d toddler and did for her first. i did not bypass. i understand that sounds damaging, yet I had already given her a number of outfits, a bouncy seat, and a number of different blankets, using fact she instructed me that she wasn't going to have a baby bathe, and that i became due 5 days earlier she became with my first. With my 2d, i did not get a baby bathe in any respect. you ought to truly in uncomplicated terms get one as ideal etiquette, yet i assume some human beings do not want to apply hand me downs as I did with my 2d.

Hello.

You've had a few responses to the few questions you asked. I think it's a beautiful thing if you give birth or adopt a child/baby. There are so many kids in this world that don't have a home. Your motherly instincts are telling you to help this innocent baby. You don't have to be a mother to have a heart or care for a child that's not yours. It's cruel that some think that you shouldn't have a baby shower or change up the name. The mother ABANDONED her child. The so-called mother gave up her rights. She left the hospital without her baby so a family is willing to step in and take care of this healthy baby boy. Don't treat this baby any differently. You should treat him like if you were his biological mother. You love, nurture, bond, care, feed and give him a happy and loving family he deserves. The baby doesn't deserve anything but loving ppl in his life. Also I think you should have a beautiful baby shower. This baby deserves the best. So if one of your friends wants to throw a baby shower then by all mean go ahead. I wouldn't stress or think to much about what the other person thinks. That's them not being supportive about this matter. What if they were the baby? I bet they would want someone to take them in and care for them as if they were there own.

The thing with baby showers and adoption is that it seems like you are trying to replicate the experience of having a genetic child and the social markers that come with that. The baby is not coming to your house and family "as if you birthed him". He was left in a hospital by the person who was supposed to nurture him and raise him, a family has been broken, a person was abandoned.

This is not your fault, but you need to acknowledge that the circumstances are different. It is not the same. It will never be the same.

The baby shower is for the parents, not for the baby. How is not having a baby shower treating him differently? Is he going to be affected somehow if adults he does not know do not bring you a bunch of presents? Do children raised by their genetic parents care about baby showers when they grow up? No, not at all.

I encourage you to accept things for what they are, instead of making them to be something that they are not. Love your child, cherish him, nurture him and learn to take pride in adoption, rather than following a recepy to make things look like he was never abandoned and that everything has been nice and dandy from day one.

It always matters where you come from.

Enjoy your son. I hope things from now are happy and peaceful for him, and for you and your husband.

I'm glad you aren't listening to your friend - it really makes me wonder what her problems in life are that she would even say such things to you.

A baby shower is a chance for your friends (your real ones : ) and your family to celebrate the arrival of your new little boy and admire him in all his adorableness. You should *absolutely* have a baby shower.

BTW, my brother (adopted like me) has our Grandpa's first name, and our Dad's middle name. : )

Wishing you, and your new son, well.

The purpose of a baby shower is to help a new mother acquire the things she needs for her baby. Babies have the same needs whether they're adopted or born to you. Let your first friend give the shower. If the second friend doesn't approve, she doesn't have to attend.

That one friend who says you can't have a baby shower and you should treat the child differently, is incredibly ignorant! You are giving a child a wonderful home who otherwise wouldn't have had one, I don't think that is a common thought at all, it is ignorant and uneducated. I am 20, my sister and I were both adopted as infants, my parents have raised us just as they would have their own biological kids, and they had a baby shower for both of us! I also know a family that has one biological child and one adoptive child, and they treat both of them as their own children. Plenty of people who adopt have baby showers. In my opinion, that woman is not truly your friend if she is not being supportive, if I were you, I would have the best damn baby shower around, and not invite her, you don't need negativity like that in your life. You and your husband are fantastic people for choosing adoption, and I wish you and your new baby the best of luck!