Personal wedding vows: does this line sound bad?

I think removing "as long as you're my husband" makes the vows read better. There's nothing wrong with that line, logically, but it does seem extraneous or redundant since all the vows are by their nature and context already referring to the time while he is your husband. It seems like you are emphasizing that point.

Saying, "I promise that I will always be faithful to you. I will be yours and you will be my only." is more concise. (You don't need the "I want to" in there either.)

The word "thirdly" sounds odd to me. Do the vows need to be numbered in that way?

I'd take the whole thing out and start over.

When you promise to be faithful, you're saying you promise not to cheat. It has a negative connotation and isn't much different than saying you'll never raise your fists in anger. You don't want guests reacting and thinking "well, I'd hope not" or "I hope so".

There are all sorts of better ways to get across that he's the one and only, or you can't imagine your future without him, etc. Even something dramatic like "the minute I met you, I knew I'd found the man I'd spend the rest of my life with". Make the vows positive, not about avoiding a negative.

Grammatically, it should read, "For as long as you are my husband..." To immerse feeling and meaning, I would not accept any vocabulary that would even suggest that there is any existence of a life outside of being with one another. How about, "For every second that follows this moment, it is my promise to be faithful to you; we belong to each other and no other." Also the, "I want to" suggests that it's your intention but not a given. I love the idea of personalised wedding vows and think the specific declaration you're discussing here, is without doubt the pivitol and most poignant underpinning of any vow. Good luck with the wedding, congratulations in advance!

since we do not know you we can't help you write them. Go to Barnes & Noble/ Borders or the library and look at books of wedding ceremones. You can find them on line, too. You should either have regular vows (which can be customized) or write your own.

I would agree that it sounds bad/odd. Further, I would suggest that it is redundant to even say "As long as your my husband", as that is the whole point of vows.

I see why that would concern you, it does sound kind of bad. Obviously that isn't what you're trying to imply, but it does come off that way slightly. Perhaps you could change it to "for the rest of my life" or something along those lines.

That's why people use the traditional vows- these homemade things are full of pitfalls!

You could try saying for as long as we are together, or for as long as I live.

Just try rewarding it, it doesn't sound too bad but in laws may think something else, especially if you aren't on good terms with them.

I would change it to "as long as I'm still on this earth", or something similar.