How do you win an argument if you're a conservative?

1. Take the oppositions argument. Remove the victim as the subject and replace yourself in that role. For example: "Conservatives are denying the rights of others by attempting to impose their religious views on gay couples by not allowing them to marry," can easily be transformed into "Gay people are impeding my rights of freedom of speech because they aren't allowing me to deny them the right to marry because of my religious views!"

2. Invoke a higher being that the opposition probably doesn't believe in. "God will strike you down because you are rebelling against his will by being gay!"

3. Place your hands over your ears while loudly shrieking "LALALALALA-I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU!" For example "LIBERALS ARE SO STUPID BECAUSE THEY CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH THAT MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, AND NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE BECAUSE I'M RIGHT AND THEY'RE WRONG, LALALALALALA." Your argument is strengthened two-fold if you add strategy number 2 "IT SAYS SO IN THE BIBLE." and further strengthened if you then play the role of the victim as in strategy 1. "IT'S MY RIGHT TO DENY YOU YOUR RIGHTS BECAUSE THAT'S FREEDOM OF SPEECH!"

If your opposition isn't yet dumbfounded and struck silent due to the utter inanity of your argument and your unparalleled level of stupidty, simply repeat the process multiple times.

Result: You have won the argument! (in your head)