My First Naked Sonnet,a Rewrite Challege C/C?

It reads like it's Peter who wrote it. Congratulations cause you managed to write exactly like him. It's an admirable quality to be able to write exactly like others..

I am departing cause I have plenty to do.

Gemi, here's my revision, and a "volta" added at the 9th line.

Slipping Away

It's like I have traveled to some dark star,

former intellect and memory shorn,

alien beings speak kindly from afar,

as if acquainted before I was borne.

I recognize nothing from yesterday,

just a short time ago, of which I'm sure-

but how, in this strange place I came to stray,

clothed in a suit of innocence so pure?

But am I now a soul reborn, redone,

whose life has been by God hotly reviled

that though banished forever and now gone,

renews with faith in the mind of a child?

Although I feel I must submit to all

Still I sense a place, soft, whereon to fall.

Good luck.

Gems

I have yet to try a sonnet, not into them yet, and most

I understand or thought were supposed to be love sonnets.

I enjoyed this so much. You have come far as a poet Gems,

you truly have, and here is a pat on the back. ddddddddd

those ddddd are pats

Seriously, you could do the story poems with passion, but

you are starting to 'feel' poetry, and its beauty. It shines

though, and with this, in perfect form, saw no error, was

a gem Gems.

From the heart

I am sorry I had to try and do it BACKWARDS. Adding the odd syllable would have been too easy, PLUS it would not have improved on the original. This may not either but at least it was a challenge.

Although I must submit myself to all

I sense a softer falling place for me

and so I am akin to some lost soul

“Reviled, and banished,” God decried hotly

At his command I am forever gone

The mind is like child - in grown up face

A suit so pure of innocence is mine

Long past is gone – of near times I’m more sure.

I sense a manikin-self, seen from afar

And alien beings kindly speak to it

As if I’ve come from some unknowing star

They mention our connections, how we fit,

As if acquainted in those times so foreign

Through former intellect and memory shorn.

After reading Your Poem I was truly impressed but I am easily impressed, by honest efforts, great and small. You led me on a journey through space, time, doubt and Hope with kindness awaiting Your arrival. Granted innocence from the purification of a childhood returned. Welcome Home, Be at Peace, Enjoy the Rest You Have Truly Earned.

I looked For a Naked Sonnet and found one, almost as Nice as Yours.

"My Poems" By, Daniela Cesta

Where She makes it easy to understand the individuals perception of the Poem, BUT, With Her First two lines She described where The True Value of Poetry Begins. I Felt this in "Slipping Away" before reading

"My Poems"

"My poems are

The story of my soul."

Would You Like Fries with That?

This sonnet is animated

and exudes a radiance.

Smoothly composed.

I was so wrapped in your

message, I didn't have time

to critique technique.

I find a sonnet, written with your style,

not some rule of what a sonnet should be.

For me it should stand as is.

I found it enchanting after reading

twice, and narrating aloud once.

Well voiced, Gemini.

Oh , GS..don`t worry that the rhyme-scheme`s imperfect...

your message is!

The gentlest pace to land`s in your own soul..

it`s guided you past idolatrous charms..

To where you lay once before you might rise as you do now,

clear -eyed, held in your soul`s strong arms.

You stand shorn of the scaffolding of guilt

thrust once upon you by the word, unbending;

The inner shrine which truths in you have built

is yours....your journey fulfilled, though not - ending.

xxx

A Soul-Poem....from you...I`ve read, and I`ve read you, so often - wondering - and -

Here - you are. :)

8.5

Although I am not qualified to critique this piece, I still know what I like.

And that is M&M's.

But really, I like your meaning.

The feeling that what you have learned is all too much, or that it is so very simple.

And your ending couplet feels strangely comfortable.

Das smecht güt.

This is a lovely poem in Sonnet format. Once you get the iambic beat, your words will flow. This takes time and practice.

Relax, it's a very nice first try at the ol' sonnet. I'm not going to mess it up, I'll take it as I find it.

As you know I'm a great fan and admirer of Frederic and Questor,

and it now seems there is a third sonneteer worth reading...

Well done...not an easy thing to write...x