Atheists how old you lost faith in God?

Once upon a time I was a Christian and I believe in God

I pray others and I pray for peace and try to repent for 20 years for years I try

but he didn't answer me

and me and my broother start quarreling a lot after I trust God

and I trust God and find out my both christian friend are just taking advantage of my learning disablity

I feel upset at the time when those beautiful actress said God love them and answer them I'm so hurt

I once even cut myself and put myself in danger I once even mix with a rapist

I went crazy I was so hurt deeply

I always blame myself

why God hate me hy God no answer me I must be evl I must be a idiot I mmust be a sinner all the negative come to me

I become so insercure and jealous

Once I was hurt and angry I calll Satan out to let him meet my idol it really happen

I was afraid he find me ugly like God but he didn't

he still smile at me is there where I get my confidence

without God I found my true friend and a married man friend who truly care about me

I also have a christian friend she is very simple ,kind and she fall for a bad guy and she went to mental hopsital because of him

there is noo warning from God at all there no special force warning sign

so I totally lost my faith and hope in God

so don't pester me and preach me to trust God

the ice cream melt is melt