How can i defend myself against my husband's nutty sister and mother to the rest of his family?

Question

Ok, so years ago my sister - in law and I had been talking about baby girl names. Ironically, we had both favoured the same two names. Years went by and she was never able to carry a daughter. But I did, and I gave her one of the names I liked. My sister in law was spiteful about my choice. Then I got pregnant again. I was asked what I would name the baby if it were a girl, when I replied with the other name I liked, my sister in law got even more angry. She told everyone that I only picked those names to hurt her feelings.
She managed to convince my mother - in law. When she couldn't convince my husband, they got in a fight. My mother in law told her that I always had his phone and that when they were fighting, it was probably me pretending to be him. My mother inlaw got mad at me over the phone, and accused me of causing a fight between the two of them. Both of them attempted to paint a bag picture of me to the rest of his family. 
What am I supposed to do about this?

Dr. Stephanie · Accepted Answer

Good question, since when you marry someone, you end up marrying their whole family as well.  Keep your distance from toxic people. Over time, things will mellow.

Foofa · Answer

You're supposed to tell your husband to keep his ridiculous family in line. You can never win if you're the tip of the spear on this one. It's his job to manage his own family of origin.

Pearl · Answer

maybe you should name her something else if shes going to get mad about it

Vanessa · Answer

@chris n. Where you are wrong is that I had any knowledge of her issue with names, she never confided in me. Having said that, it wouldn't change the fact that I had wanted to name a girl that since I was a child, but my husband wouldn't agree to it the first time. Just like I didn't like the idea of giving a boy his pick the first time. We made acceptions the second time. 
Also, I didn't get a second daughter. I ended up having a son. That would just have been a girls name I would choose if I had one.

chris n · Answer

I think you should keep a very low profile for quite a long time.  OK you don't like your in-laws & they don't like you either.  That's fair enough.  We can't like everyone can we - but you do have to live alongside them because they are part of your husband.  He accepts your family and you should accept his.  Warts and all.  They aren't going to go away.  You and S
is in law both liked a couple of girls' names (out of the thousands to choose from).  Sadly, your SIL lost babies (I presume) or couldn't have one at all which is really sad for her.  You were luckier and had a daughter and chose one of the names you both liked.  I think that's very reasonable.  It was YOUR baby so your choice of name.  Would you have been annoyed if she'd had a baby first and used the name you wanted?  You might have been but I think you'd have accepted that she'd got in first.....but you aren't in her position yearning for a child she can't have.  So, because of this, she got a bit miffed which is understandable in the circumstances but it was rather childish of her and she's moaned to her mum who's stuck up for her. (again understandable)  Now you've had another child and I think that this is where YOU have been unkind.  Knowing that the first time round your choice of baby's name caused friction in your husband's family, you STILL chose to use the other name you and SIL liked.  You could have used the name as a middle one for your child just to be a bit placatory to your husband's family but still having your own choice.  Yes you have every right to call your baby whatever you want and it's nobody's business if they don't like it - but I'm afraid this DOES actually smack of you 'sticking it' to your whinging in-laws.  Now your poor husband is torn between you and his family who he loves.  YOU caused this unnecessary rift by being deliberately provocative.  Think about it.  You and sis-in-law both wanted children and you (if this were a race) won the medal.  You actually got 2 kids and she got none at all and you know it hurts her.  Is it really too much to do to be a little diplomatic knowing how unhappy your sis in law is?  You've got everything she wants and you know she's jealous - but you've gone ahead and now pinched both 'her' missing children's names (as she sees it).  I pity her and I pity your husband.  You don't look good in all this.

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How can i defend myself against my husband's nutty sister and mother to the rest of his family?

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