quasar

After a hundred years at the bottom of the Atlantic,

Irish divers were amazed to find,

the swimming pool of the Titanic,

was still full

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a

ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes

the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just

30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French

army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists

http://www.teamsobermcc.com/jokes.htm

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Canada will be able to aid you in the education process.

2.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

.

3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

6. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

7.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

8. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Canada will be asked to come down there and teach you how to make real beer. New Zealand beer is also acceptable as is Australian. They are all part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; one you call soccer. You will stop trying to take over hockey and come to grips with the fact that all the "American" teams have only Canadian players on them. Rugby is also an acceptable sport. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play it (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .

12. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

13. You will of course be required to spend at least a month a year in Canada to learn how to survive in a multiplicity of climates to toughen you up (look up multiplicity). An remember the beaver is a builder and an Eagle is a scavenger, get over it.

14. For heaven's sake tell your youth to pull up there damn pants. It is bad enough your fiscal policies and m

or will they look the other way

greek lorry driver stabs with a knife ,3 yobs with baseball bats who were trying to steel his truck, they fled in a subaru to the hospital screaming they had been stabbed one dead on the back seat the other 2 were in intensive care, ( it was in the daily mirror this morning)

what do you think should we give him a medal ???

went to a rally at the weekend not one harley there was a lovely indian with custom paint work & Various other makes but no harley's but plenty of people getting out of cars with harley jackets on & wearing boots, do they not go in ice & snow or is it just the riders???

nows the time we should all be putting a poppy in our lapels,

so why dont you see a lot of people with them on????

JUST GOT THIS IN AN E MAIL I AGREE DO YOU????

This is an editorial written by a British citizen, published in a National newspaper He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS, NOT BRITS MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on the 7th of the 7th we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits. However, the disgust about the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Britain, Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. (The Danes, Romans etc.) However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of the Brits being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH , not Indian, Urdu, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.

Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"Land of Hope & Glory" is our motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If the 'Union Jack' flag offends you, or you don't like our QUEEN, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our Laws give every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so!

But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag,our lifestyle our government, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great BRITISH freedom,

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

It is Time for Gt.Britain to Speak up

If you agree -- pass this along;

if you don't agree -- delete it!

anon..

AMEN

I think if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please

whats going on when the sun newspaper reports 4 soldiers,

could not move into a house in windsor because the windows were put through & grafeti telling them to fu** off scraweled on the drive, how can this be stopped????????

the pope says he is going to do away with limbo so there is just heaven & hell, so what will happen to all those in limbe,

are they all going to end up in england with all the other imigrants.

it was in the sun today

when some one puts one on about how badly soldiers are treated because of political corectness & because of non 6 generation uk citizens

will bush & blair go to court for atacking iraq

they are tied to the rear, they are not in all citys, mostly where the population is split asian & uk, where its predominantly asian you dont see them, can not get a straight answer from asians when i ask them

it seems to be asian drivers & mostly in leeds