Eye of the Beholder

http://www.teamlifeline.org/mypage.php?myid=56120

support kids with cancer!! sponsor me in my run for kids!!

sponsor a runner in the ing miami marathon...and all donations will go directly to kids fighting cancer!!!!!!

be a part of chai lifelines team, team lifeline!!!!!!!

http://www.teamlifeline.org/mypage.php?myid=55485

Did you ever here of chai lifeline?

i am going to try to help raise money for chai lifes team in the marathon.

they are a organization to help families with illness, kids with cancer ect, worldwide.

i just want to know if i posted a link here if anyone would click and help a worthy cause.

so basically just want a vote yes or no

thank you !

and pls star so all contacts, jpa, and others will see!

i am going to try to help raise money for chai lifes team in the marathon.

they are a organization to help families with illness, kids with cancer ect, worldwide.

i just want to know if i posted a link here if anyone would click and help a worthy cause.

so basically just want a vote yes or no

thank you !

and pls star so all contacts, jpa, and others will see!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's

face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they

couldn't graft any

skin from his body

because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

some of her own

skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor

felt was suitable

would have to

come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one

about where the skin

came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor

their secret. After

all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed,

everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more

handsome than

he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went

on and on about

his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome

with emotion at her

sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for

everything you did

for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need

every time I see

your mother kiss you on the cheek.'!!!

i'm looking for holistic medicine, reflexology ect. programs in israel which give classes in english...

thanks!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. A! s he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Abe and Esther Stein are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may get stranded on this deserted island for a very long time."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

Once on the island, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to the Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oiy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send that check too," she says.

"One last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send the check for the Synagogue Building Fund," he asks?

"Oiy, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss he has given her in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "We're Saved! They'll find us!"

Here is why God gave the Jews the Ten Commandments:

God first went to the Canaanites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.

"What commandment?" they asked.

"Thou shalt not kill," replied God.

The Canaanites thought it over and said, "No thanks, we'll pass."

God then went to the Ishmaelites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.

"What commandment?" they asked.

"Thou shalt not steal!" thundered God.

"Are you crazy?" they replied. "No thanks."

So God finally went to the Jews and asked if they wanted one commandment.

"How much?" they asked.

"Uh…well, they're free," God replied.

"OK, we'll take ten."

It is said that God is the greatest matchmaker in the world and his first successful "shidduch" or match, Adam and Eve, were the best match in human history.

In heaven, Adam and Eve ask the Almighty why this is so.

"Well," God replied, "Adam, you didn't have to hear about all of the men Even could have married, and Eve, you didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked."

Sidney was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Lord, why did You make her so kind hearted?"

God responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did You make her so attractive?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did You maker her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

Sidney thought about this. Then he asked, "I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything but…why did You make her so unintelligent?"

"So she could love you, my son."

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your

friend.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my dro ppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the b ea ch with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ' Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work

It's an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communication.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes conversations easier.

It promotes honesty.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so emb! arrassing.

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5.

It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.

Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit,

And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal.

And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the

Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge.

It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter?

What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.