Bev

My family is planning a cruise for my mother's 80th birthday. She has always wanted to go on a New England/Canada cruise in the Fall. Any suggestions on cruiseline or best month to go?

I had an opportunity to watch Ricki Lake's documentary "The Business of Being Born" today. I thought it was terrific and I agree with many of the views stated about natural childbirth. Has anyone else seen the movie? What did you think?

There is a website as well: thebusinessofbeingborn.com

My wife and I are watching

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed..... P... E... N.... I... S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

MATH PROBLEM

HERE IS A MATH TRICK SO UNBELIEVABLE THAT IT WILL STUMP YOU. PERSONALLY I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THIS AND WHY THAT PERSON IS NOT RUNNING THE COUNTRY.

1 GRAB A CALCULATOR---NOT AN ADDING MACHINE. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD)

2. KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE)

3. MULTIPLY BY 80

4. ADD 1

5. MULTIPLY BY 250

6. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER

7. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN.

8. SUBTRACT 250

9. DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?

Mark forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....

...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

Norman and his wife live in Marion, Ohio. One winter morning while

listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have

8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even

numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's

wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your

car on the odd numbered side o f the street, so the snowplow can get

through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are

having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting

12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the

electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried

look on her face she says,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need

to park on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are

married to blondes exhibit, Norman says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.