Fanny Glasscock

Bloody Bargain Hunt is on at the moment!

I do like a nice roll in the morning.

Why was there no moisturiser in it? What am I supposed to do with UAV - is it sunscreen?

Have I not heard of any of the players (apart from Giggs) - what happened to that bunch of fools that didn't win the World Cup, are these ones better? And why didn't they sing the national anthem when it was played (apart from the goal keeper) are they all illiterate? Or not patriotic - in which case why are they playing for their country?

not to see Englebert Humperdink playing for England as I thought he was representing us in the Euro competitions this year? I'm sure he would have done better than those 11 twerps on the pitch.

Who are we playing next? I hope it's someone not much good.

and stop coming here as you hate us so much.

I mean, fancy going all the way Ajerbyzan (or what ever it's called) at 76 years old and then only 3 countries vote for you.

I'm going to Estonia for my next holiday - at least they gave us a few votes!

I mean, in a real war the defenders would take cover to defend the objective from the enemy. They would not run around like twerps getting shot at because in the real world they would not respawn; they would spend eternity as a dead soldier. So in my universe (i.e. this one), once the objective is secured then "campers" are the real soldiers and those that rudely criticise them should be, erm, Shot!

1) What exactly is an "enemy care package" (moisturiser and lip balm I expect) and why would I want to know if one was incoming?

2) Can you give me some tips so I stop coming last. I don't know whether to run round like a mad thing or sit a corner pointing my little gun out on the off chance someone runs in front of it.

3) People always seem to know where I am and stick their knife in me - how do they do that? I wish I could do it

I need a new little car for shopping darlings

Do they think I am sitting here all day with no life and nothing to do? At least if the postman comes with it they only take it to the post office if I'm out. Couriers take the bloody things to some depot on some God forsaken industrial estate in the ar5e end of nowhere and then you have to go through 7 levels of misery to get the sodding parcel redelivered.

Ebay sellers - please stop this - if you say Royal Mail then use the Fukcing Royal Mail

I think it's the start of that strange thing they do tomorrow when they don't eat or drink all day. Is there anything I can do or say to make things easier for him? He says he doesn't mind if I eat my lunch sandwiches at my desk but it seems a bit unkind to me. What do other muslims think?

Where can I find some antipasta? I may only have moments left!

They are a bit cheaper than the Bridgestone jobbies that I bought last time but I have never heard of them. I don't want to fall off.

And why do they think that those people should pay for the teacher's pensions with their taxes?

If they are that greedy is it safe to leave our children with them?

as they do on court when returning a stroke? Why does Wimbledon allow it? The gents don't shreik everytime they hit the ball. I'm sure it's not necessary and it's not very ladylike either.

I mean as long as I have regard to safety and not making a nuisance with the engine noise?

The wireless ones seem to be really unreliable and need two batteries as well - can I fit a wired one with bouncy forks

I am blown away by the American Winner (Jackie Evancho) and I think she makes all our entrants look like a bunch of no hope pub entertainers. Especially the overweight bloke who plays the guitar.

Actually I am lost for words - what's up with our talent ??? Is this why we can't win the world cup or Wimbledon?