Jim

They gossip and back-stab each other constantly, especially in small towns, and have no opinions on wider global issues.

I am a 58 yr. old man and moved to a small town in Ireland from a big city in England several years ago, to try to improve my life. I have had a few episodes of depression in the past, but my life in Ireland has not turned out as well as I hoped. Materially I am fairly well off - house, car, money in bank - but I don't think I am thinking straight and feel everybody hates me, is gossiping and plotting against me, including the police, which logically I know isn't true. I live alone behind locked doors and can't think of a single reason to carry on living. I was referred for Cognitive behavioural therapy - I only went twice because I thought the therapist secretly hated me. I would rather die than go into another psychiatric ward. I never married, no kids, just me. My cat even left! I often think of jumping off a cliff of which there are plenty around here, and have made several trips to find a good spot. I don't even have the guts to open letters, or to tidy the house and have been trying to think of a way to just 'disappear' because I don't want to upset or inconvenience anyone, including the police and medical profession. I have no appetite and go for days without eating. I just don't trust anyone any more and am afraid to answer the phone. I am taking an antidepressant (Mirtazapine/Zispin) but to little or no avail. I wish I had a woman in my life, but it's a bit late in life now and the last relationship I had ended in 1986 and I think it's true to say I never recovered from the breakup. I am posting on Yahoo 'cos I don't have the guts to tell people face-to-face. Everybody seems to have clean, tidy houses, but mine is pretty cluttered. I block people on Facebook for no reason. Jumping off a cliff seems like a good idea to me, but no-one else I know is considering it - so does anyone have a clue what is wrong with me? Occasionally I get tears in my eyes, but I've done all the crying - alone. It seems that whatever you have when you're young (energy/optimism) just fades away, and now all I have left is tearful memories of happy childhood days long gone - and all I have to look forward to is death. Please don't tell me to "pull myself together" or "snap out of it". It doesn't work like that. This may be my last post, as I feel the cliff calling again. I wish you all the best and love you all.

I don't usually ask questions here, I usually answer them. But I have known so many highly qualified people who can't solve this that I am interested in the response I get.

Jim Dept. of Physics Imperial College London