IRN_Ag

A man is fixing to turn 40 and he's never been married. All he does all day long is fish. He's absolutely obsessed with it. His father comes to him and says, "Son, you need to find yourself a woman. I'm getting old and I would like a grandchild before I die. You need to stop fishing all the time."

The man says he would start dating. About a month later, he calls his dad and says that he has found the perfect woman and they're getting married. The father is ecstatic and starts asking questions:

"Is she beautiful?" "No, actually she's kind of ugly; she has scoliosis, a lazy eye, and psoriasis."

"Is she smart?" "No, she's borderline retarded."

"Is the sex good?" "No, she has a venereal disease."

"What about oral sex?" "No, she has gum disease."

"What about anal?" "No, she has diarrhea."

"What if she uses her hand?" "No, she has arthritis."

"Good grief son. Why did you say she was the perfect woman?"

"Well dad, she has worms too! And you know how much I love to fish!!!"

A man is checking his elderly father into a nursing home. As the administrator is telling him about all the care he'll be getting and all the wonderful amenities, the old man starts to lean to the left.

An orderly runs over and sets the man up straight.

A little later, the old man starts to lean to the right and the orderly runs over again and sets him up straight.

This happens a few more times.

Finally, the son asks his father how he likes the place.

The old man replies, "It's nice, but they won't let you fart!"

A man goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. As soon as he sits down, the thing jumps down and running all over the place eating everything. It eats the peanuts, cigarette butts, ice cubes, etc. Then it jumps over to a pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

The bartender yells, "Hey, you've got to get that monkey out of here. He's eating everything. Don't come back until you get him under control!"

The man appologizes, pay for the damages, and leaves with the monkey.

A few days later, the same man comes in with the same monkey. As he sits down to order a drink, the monkey slowly crawls off his shoulder. Slowly crawls around the bar sniffing everything. It picks up a cherry, sticks it in it's butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender yells, "Oh man, that was disgusting! What up with your monkey?"

The man replies, "He'll still eat just about anything, but after that cue ball incident, he measures everything first!"

What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-bys

What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around and around and around til you get pooped out.

What's long and hard and full of seaman?

A submarine.

What goes in long, hard and pink, but comes out wet soft and sticky?

A stick of chewing gum.

OK, the last 2 weren't for the kiddos afterall. Hope you liked them anyway. :-)

This is a riddle, not a poll.

There is an actual clever answer.

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark with him?

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire one evening bragging about how tough they are.

The first brags, "Shoooot, I'm so tough that one time when I was walking the trail and a rattlesnake went to bite me, I just grabbed the critter out of the air and bit its head off!"

The second cowboy says, "Dang, that aint nothing. One time when I was at a rodeo, a huge thousand pound bull broke out of its pen. I chased the beast down and wrestled it to the ground with my bare hands!"

The third cowboy didn't have to say word. He just kept stirring the fire with his penis!!!

A woman was sick and tired of her husband ripping the most disgusting wet farts every morning. He would get out of bed, let loose with a huge fart, walk into the bathroom, and leave his wife to suffer in the stench. She would yell at him, "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out!"

Since he continues his disgusting morning routine, she decides to play a prank on him. She goes to the butcher and buys a pound of pig guts. That night while he's sleeping, she stuffs the pig guts in his underwear.

The next morning he gets up, rips a paint-peeler, and heads to the bathroom.

Several minutes go by and he doesn't come out the bathroom. She asks with an evil grin, "Is everything okay?"

He stammers, "Uh ... yeah ... hold on ..."

When he comes out of the bathroom, he's sweating but grinning. He says, "You were right. I did fart my guts out. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to get them all back in!"

I hold in my hand two U.S. coins totalling 55 cents. One is not a nickle. What are the two coins?

I am something that the person who makes me does not want, the person who buys me does not use, and the person who uses me does not know it. What am I?