How would you handle this sibling rivalry?

Question

It's really too long to put on here but basically my younger sister has moved in with my father and is taking advantage of him. She says she is taking care of him, but it turns out that he is doing everything for her. He isn't making her pay her way there and she never offers to even help buy groceries or anything else. Now he has paid for repairs on her car and she has money from the sale of her house, plus unemployment benefits. 

Now she has caused a rift between my dad and my brother. And is starting to monitor my dad's calls from me and my brother. She answers the phone and tells me that my dad doesn't like using the phone anymore, so I should tell her what I want my dad to know, and she will tell him!  She has started running over my brother's relationship with our dad, because he would go see my dad and my sister would try to overwhelm the conversation with what was wrong with her and how she couldn't deal with things. Plus she would start showing off things that she has made, instead of letting my brother talk to my dad about how he is, or going fishing, hunting or anything else they have had in common, without her butting in to bring the conversation back to her.

She doesn't call me or come over to my house until she needs something I have. And just recently she took my father to the hospital and didn't even call me or my brother! When I did talk to her about it, she said dad didn't want anyone to know! WE are his kids too! But then she starts telling everyone else around them about it.

I can't take much more of this-  she has always thought that me and my brother got all the attention from our parents,and she got left out, (which we didn't) and now seems to be taking it out on us. We don't want to leave her out of things but we would like to have the relationships with our father that we had with him. She didn't seem to care before when she lived far off and picked her friends or husbands over being with dad. We are lost as to what to do about it without causing a bigger fight if we say anything about it.

PS- I am 51, my sister is 49 and my brother is 42. We don't have our mother, she is deceased  now. Sorry this turned out being so long.

Faith In God · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry your going through this and I know what your going through because I've gone through it. 
It sounds to me someone needs to be your dad's guardian but. The only way for that to happen is talk to an attorney. If the court finds your dad is ok with out one. Then that won't solve the money situation. But what I would do is go spend time with your dad. You or your brother don't call first. To say can we stop by and take you out for ice cream. Because your sister might undo your plans. So stop by unannounced then take him by himself and spend time with him with out your sister. Then when you take him home spend some time with her so she doesn't feel left out. 

Good luck and God bless!!!

Anonymous · Answer

It would seem that the rivalry is deep from what you describe. The primary focus should be on the welfare of your Dad. I am assuming from your ages Dad is 70ish or so. You don't mention much in the way of his health issues or concerns about his mental status. If all that is correct, he is in reasonable good health and mentally stable. Why not just go and visit him? If the conversation gets turned to your younger sister, accept that and do not let it interfere in your visit. Offer an empathetic ear and continue your visit. I believe it is up to you three to put an end to the rivalry and someone has to make the first step and communicate effectively some positives in the family. Whatever any of you did or did not do in the past, is just that, past There is no future in the past. You have the here and now. You have already lost your Mom, and time is to short for bickering. Don't waste it. Use this time to have the relationship you want with Dad, work on communicating some positives with your sister and brother as well. Sometimes a unified front with positives can sure beat down a negative anytime. I hope this works out for your family. Family is important. This sounds like with some changes in viewpoints, you can regain what you have lost with Dad.

silvercanoe · Answer

Um.  Sounds like you need to talk to your father.  What does he say about talking on the phone?  Is it true that he doesn't want to do that anymore?  Is it true that he told your sister not to tell you he was in hospital?  Just ask him.

Your sister shouldn't be isolating him from you against his wishes.  But if he's mentally sound, then he's got the right to make any decisions he wants to--including decisions about how he spends his money.

It sounds like you and your brother are still in the area.  Maybe you could set a regular weekly or biweekly day to take your dad out.  You could schedule it as just-you-two time.

Shay · Answer

Why don't you and your brother get together one day and take your dad out; without your sister. He's a grown man and doesn't need her permission, nor do you need her permission to take your dad out for the day. Spend time with him and tell him how the both of feel and hopefully the 3 of you can address your concerns with your sister later that day. My mother has a similar problem to your and when she able to get my grandmother out of the house and away from her brother them seem to have a much better relationship. Best of Luck!

Sublimebaby69 · Answer

I would see if you and your brother can go talk to her just the three of you explain to her how hurt you guys feel being left out of everything, and bring up the past about her thinking that your parents favored you two more than her. Explain that you both want to be a part of her life as well as your dad's, and would like to start over with everything, and put the past feelings aside. Hopefully she will be mature enough to understand, and accept the offer.

good luck

How would you handle this sibling rivalry?

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