My 18 year old son broke down crying because his girlfriend of 3 years left him. What can I do to help him?
My 18 year old son is in his first year at the local community college here in Scottsdale. He just recently graduated high school, and he has been with his girlfriend for the last 3 and a half years through high school. They were pretty much inseparable, went to high school dances, his baseball games, the prom together, etc. However, today he came home (he is still living with us until he transfers to University) and was in a pretty bad mood, started yelling saying things weren't fair, and he never did anything to deserve this. I finally got him to calm down and sit down and explain to me what he was talking about, and that's when he just lost it. My son just absolutely broke down in tears crying saying his girlfriend broke up with him and that she didn't want to be with him because she has found someone else who can make her happier. He told me she barely gave him a reason, and that he tried asking her what he did wrong to her and she just told him it was over. I honestly didn't know what to say to my son about this, except tell him that love hurts sometimes and that everything will be ok. I just let him cry it out on my shoulder and just held him. I felt so helpless because he was crying so hard and loud.
My wife has been trying to make our son happy all night, and get him to open up a little or maybe call his now ex-girlfriend and just try and talk to her, but he said no, he is too upset. I personally think he should maybe let her go. I don't want my boy hurt anymore. I couldn't stand seeing my son cry like that. I felt so helpless for him and it really broke my heart. I want to make him feel better and try and get his mind off this, but I'm worried its to soon. He's just been acting all depressed, not wanting to do anything and just laying either on the couch or on his bed crying. He hasn't been able to sleep tonight either. I want my son to feel better, but I know its going to take time. It's breaking my heart seeing my only son this upset and depressed too. He really seems to still be in love with her and I don't think he's going to get over her for awhile. I don't know how else I can help him. This was his first really serious relationship too. Any suggestions as to how I could help him feel better other than what I've already done?
awkwardly balanced2011-01-14T05:16:34Z
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I'm not sure why your wife was "trying to make" your son happy. It is a very sad time of mourning for him. This is a soul crushing loss. And to have him call the ex - is she trying to make him into a stalker? There is no reason to call the ex - she was clear in her desire to end the relationship and your wife's suggestions are troubling. I like your approach, let the hurting dear cry on your shoulder.
While the relationship was very positive for your son, the length of it did not allow him to experience a break up and to know that life goes on. This is where parenting comes in - you need to remind him that this is a loss, and it is normal to go through mourning the loss - and healthy too. The depth of his pain shows that he is capable of forming very close bonds - which is also a very good thing. Remind him that his ability to love is a good thing, and that while the pain is much worse when if relationship ends, vulnerability in a relationship is a brave and wonderful thing and speaks volumes about his character - and that he will one day meet someone with this same capacity to love and connect. He has what it takes to be a lovely husband one day. Encourage him to remember who he is, and that a painful breakup should not interfere with his future capacity to love. Once time starts to do its work, and the pain lessens, remind him again. You raised a wonderful boy! Let him wallow for a bit!
Im sure you have been through it when you were younger yourself. Having a long term relationship that breaks up for no reason is something i had to endure when i was in my early 20's. A simple " i dont feel the same way" response from the ex girlfriend after a four year relationship is what i got. Even though i treated her very well, in fact i was a real gentleman. it just happens. It also sometimes takes years to get over.
You can try and cheer him up. But you also know, that there are times when he will be sitting silently just thinking about it. Lying in bed at night, and it will go through his mind. His mind will be thinking where it went wrong, how he could have done things differently had he approached something a different way. Its all thoughts which achieve nothing. Especially if he genuinely was the good person he was throught the relationship. Sometimes it just does not work out.
There is also the situation where , he could be reluctant to even enter into another relationship in future, just in case it happened again. To lose everything so suddenly. It really does hurt the nerves.
And thats what it comes down to, the nerves. Within that lies the solution.
Now that he is on his own, he will learn independance. You said it yourself, he has been with her for a very long time, even since he was younger. He does not know what its like to be emotionally independant person. That is something that makes you stronger. So when later in life, something of that nature happens again. His nerves can take the hard hit.
When it happened to me in my early 20's. it was really hard, to the point i did not have another relationship for another five years after that. Just dates and flings in between. i could not commit.
However when my ex girlfriend broke up with me after the long term four year relationship i made sure to send a very strong message to her and her family. That i was not to blame. I sent a bunch of flowers to her mother, thanking her for all the support she had given me over the years. And also sent my ex girlfriend some flowers a bit later.
Why did i do that? Because i wanted to be remembered as a gentleman. Her mother would realise what her daughter had lost. And the girl would also look back in a few years time and realise what she had lost.
For the record, she did call me 8 years after the break up. Asking me " how was i doing, and if i wanted to come over". I laughed, as i was getting married in a month to a wonderdul woman who appreciated me. Now i been happily married 7 years.
Mainly just comfort him. Maybe tell him a story of when your heart was broken. Let him know that your there for him. It wasn't right for the girl to break up with him with basically no excuse but that she found someone that makes her more happy. She will get her come around soon. Karma! Your son will soon be happy again and hey maybe a new girl will drop into his life and make him happy. Who knows maybe his ex will want him back. First heartbreaks are always the hardest. I cried in my Grandmas arms and she felt like you did. She actually called my ex and told him to give me a better reason as to why he broke up with me and if he wasn't man enough to give me a good answer or respect then to never call me ever again. Thankfully your son has you and your wife. Just try and be by his side. plan an event out. Have dinner together. Simple things. But also let him have his space to cry and let it all out. Hope he gets better soon. Goodluck best wishes
RE: My 18 year old son broke down crying because his girlfriend of 3 years left him. What can I do to help him? My 18 year old son is in his first year at the local community college here in Scottsdale. He just recently graduated high school, and he has been with his girlfriend for the last 3 and a half years through high school. They were pretty much inseparable, went to high school dances, his baseball...
ok I am 26 and married but something similar happened to me when I was 17. I think he just needs time to learn how to be himself as a whole instead of a half of a partnership. I went through stages. First I just layed around for maybe like a week or two and cried and was feeling very depressed. Then I remember wanting to just get out and go wild, I guess blow off some steam. This was the hard part for my family watching me party all the time and knowing I wasn't truly happy but it was the only thing that made me feel alive. It helped that my family didn't really talk about it or bad mouth my ex boyfriend to me but they were there to listen when I needed it. About two maybe three months later I finally started feeling like I was finding who I really was and that it wasn't who I was when I was with him. Oh ya and embarrassing but true when I was in my party stage I was always obsessing about bumping into him or calling him for some dumb reason and your son may feel that way too since there was no real closer in the relationship. I hope this helped at all. Good Luck :) Oh by the way, I think you are very good parents to want to help your son like this kudos.