Setting limits for the Bachelor's Party?

"Any attempts to tell her how it really is gets brushed off."

What you're talking about here is not an issue about strippers and what constitutes cheating, it's a communication problem.

If you can't talk to your future wife about something as dumb as a party, how are you going to be able to talk to her about the really difficult stuff.

Personally I don't understand why some women would get worked up about strippers, but that's beside the point. If you can't sit down and have a conversation with her, you have bigger problems than not being able to grope some ugly STD-laden stripper before your wedding day.

Take her with you before the wedding. SERIOUSLY. I was pretty intimidated by strip clubs, I thought it was a place you went to live out your every last fantasy.

Boy oh boy did I get a slap in the face when I went with my fiance on my 21st birthday. The women are not that attractive and the conversation is oh so stimulating. Once your soon to be wife sees for herself what goes on in those places she will realize she has nothing to worry about. That the only reason those strippers give you the time of day is because of the money in your pocket.

Just nudge her to go with you so she can see, if she's still uncomfortable about the touching part, that's all well and good - you can still get a table dance!

I honestly dont think you are ready to get married. Sorry. But if this argument is so important to you....if going to a strip club means more to you than her feelings, then you are not as in love as you pretend to be.

YOu are engaged and in a committed relationship. So you should have already said goodbye to that part of your life.

She is NOT telling you what you can or cannot do, she is obviously hurt and upset by the idea of you going to a strip club. She loves you and the idea of some other woman grinding her bits all over you upsets her. Why cant you see this as a positive, that she loves you so much that she cant bear to think of you and another woman.

As innocent as you say it will be....why do men go to strip clubs? To perve on and be turned on by other women....cheating in my book.

Have you thought that she may have body issues? She may feel insecure with her own body, and worry that you will prefer the strippers and compare her and judge her against these whores? Because in a sense that is what they are...they make their money titilating and exciting men.

You say you lived a wild past, well you've had your day in the sun back then.

If you love this lady enough to marry her then you should be willing to respect her wishes and forgo the strippers. If you cant do this, if the strippers are more important to you than her feelings.........then break off the engagement. You are not ready and she deserves a man who will love and respect her and not leave her home alone to cry and stress over what you might be up to with these strippers.

There are heaps of alternatives for a bachelor party, a ball game, a fishing or camping trip, just a big night at the bar.....be a grown up.

First off, thank her for bringing up this issue now.

I completely understand what you are saying and why. Lap dances might be meaningless to you, but they're not meaningless for her. Have you ever considered bringing her to a strip club? It doesn't sound like she's ever been inside one nor spoken to anyone that has. This way, you both have an even frame of reference from which to discuss this.

I suppose I would say that cheating is anything that you wouldn't do in front of your partner and with her full knowledge. If you go to a strip club and feel the need to lie about anything you did there, then she has a right to be upset at whatever happened.

You don't want to be told what you can't do, but she's also not listening to you. Resolve these issues immediately.

Um, well if you feel that giving up strip clubs is a sacrifice & compromising for the rest of your life then maybe you need to really look at your long term compatibility.

If lap dances are meaningless then why does it matter if she asks to set some boundaries for the bachelor party? And why is it so uncomfortable to discuss this with her?

And to be fair, do you like it that she's from a conservative background? How would you feel if she wanted to try doing something wilder to see what she'll be missing?

Tell her if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together she needs to listen to your side of the big strip club debate. Get her to go to a club with you so she can see what goes on and then make an educated guess from that. I'm a straight female and I have been in more male strip clubs than female ones and there is nothing really bad going on in these places. I agree with you no intercourse/oral but I also don't think I would want you to kiss anyone either. Other than that have a great time at your bachelor party lap dances and all.

According to your definition then, she could have an emotional affair with some one, and never get physical with them - and not be a cheater?

This is why she wouldn't like the lap dance thing: a woman wearing very little, if anything, is physically rubbing up against you and/or putting her hooha and breasts in your face. Even if you can't touch, can only sit there and look, there is still a physical connection between you and the stripper.

For me, it is one thing to sit at the bar, or even at the pole and toss $1 at them to rub up on a pole. Its a whole other thing when another female is close to rubbing you off. Sex is implied, even if it doesn't happen. You are paying good money to have some random *** woman rub her stuff all over you, or close to it.

You can do one of two things. Tell her that you won't go to strip clubs at all anymore. Or tell her that you will not get a lap dance, regardless of the point that you feel they are nothing. If they are nothing, then don't pay for them and refuse if one of your buddies pays for one for you. Period. Nothing you will say is going to make her feel better about this unfortunately.

I don't mind if my husband went to a strip club with his buddies for a bachelor party, even sat at the pole...but if he got a lap dance he would have hell to pay. He doesn't understand why I feel this way either, but he does understand the fact that it would hurt me, and so he chooses otherwise.

Respect her wishes. That is what you need to do. Why should you want to touch? So look at it like this would you be okay with her touching another mans **CK? Because that isn't oral or intercourse. KISSING IS CHEATING! IT doesn't matter if they are meaningless to you it is going to hurt her. Can you just take that into consideration? As for girls who strip NOT all ONLY do lap dances. You men try to tell us that there is nothing else that goes on......... which is BULL&&IT. Those girls will do anything for the right amount of money. WE all know that.

My EX husband screwed both of his strippers the weekend before our wedding. And I had to stand there in front of ALL HIS FRIENDS And be made a fool of. I feel for your wife if you think cheating is only intercourse and oral. Because it is more then just that. ASK ANY WOMAN OR MAN!

What kind of brothel strip clubs are you going to where you can touch the girls? You can't even touch them during a lapdance.

But back to your question: Your problem seems to lie with the definition of cheating, that's why she's not listening to you. If my fiance told me that touching is not cheating and that he intends on "touching" strippers, I would be upset too, and i like going to strip clubs. Stop for a moment and ask yourself would you be upset if your fiancee went to a male strip club to touch and "say goodbye to that part of life"? You bet your *ss you would be.

So once you agree on what's cheating then you can revisit the strip club conversation. I'm really surprised that you haven't taken her to one yet if it was such a part of your life. So take her to the one you want to go to, treat her to a lapdance, and if she's still uncomfortable you need to be ok with not going to a strip club for your bachelor party.

And no, the bachelor party is not the groom's day. The wedding day is the groom's day. The bride isn't marrying herself.

If a lap dance is pretty meaningless to you, you should have no problem forgoing one should it exceed her comfort level.

>>How can we discuss this productively? Its not that I feel the need to get a lap dance, but I dont want to be told what I cant do.<<

By taking her comfort level into consideration, and not feeling defensive--like she's "telling you what to do. If you're not ready to factor in her wishes, then you're not ready to get married.

>>...and be able say goodbye to that part of my life and move on with her.<<

Hon, you should have already said goodbye to that part of your life. Bachelor parties have the old fashioned notion that the guy has one last night to "sow his wild oats." If a guy is engaged, all his wild oats should have already been sown.

I suggest having a tamer bachelor party like going to a ballgame or sports bar for a drink or two.

Let me preface this by saying that I don't have a problem with my husband going to strip clubs (in reality, he has very little interest in them, and will generally try to avoid them.)

That said, the rule we came up with is the "Two Layers Of Clothing Rule." In other words, there must be two layers of clothing (say, boxers and jeans) separating you and the dancer. Grind away - just keep buttoned up. Aw, she's trying to mash your face into the cavern between her giant fake melons? Violation - there ain't two layers of fabric there.

Seriously, if you want to remove any false illusion she might have, tell her you will take her to a strip club for 10 minutes so she can see what it's really like. Ten minutes will show her that the patrons are either drunken frat guys, geeks, and old men, that the girls are both pathetic and apathetic, aren't particularly hot, and are kinda skanky. After she sees what it's REALLY all about, you can assure her that it's the dinosaur part of the male brain that wants to look at The Strange, but it's her that you want to come home to.